Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Tonight my mom asked me if I have a tattoo on my hand. She noted that my cousin told her that I did. Now, some of you may be thinking "awesome!" while others may be thinking "oh god, why did you do that?". Sorry, but I must disappoint both of you. What my 8 year old cousin thought was a tattoo was actually a stamp of the variety that you get when you go to various events such as nightclubs.
In this case, however, the stamp did not come from a night club. In my ongoing attempts to seed a social life for myself, I finally got around to going to one activity that is supposedly a bastion of weirdness. I went to a theatre showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show. I love the movie and was sure that the ritual associated with viewing it in a theatre that has a cult following would lead me to meet people and feel at home. It was not to be so.
First of all, I was led to believe that people would be dressed in all sorts of outrageous ways breaking all kinds of norms. So, deciding to test the waters without being too extreme, I went in a knee length skirt and a dark blue blouse. I arrived to discover that other than the cast members' costumes, the "weirdest" clothing anyone had on was some "goth" kids and even theirs wasn't any more extreme than baggy black jeans, wallet chains, and rock band black t-shirts. I did not get any negative comments or even noticeable glances. This would seem to hint at the famous tolerance (the acting troupe was even called "Come As You Are"), it came across more as apathy. I had expected a celebration of diversity rather than an apathy.
Now I can't really comment on the crowd too much since, as seems to be my custom, the only person I actually ended up saying a word to the entire time I was there was the guy I bought the ticket from. I did, however, notice that rather than finding a nest of freaks (note I'm using that term in a positive sense), a lot of the people just seemed like they were there just to be able to be sex-obsessed in public.
I had read that the whole ritual involves watching the movie on a big screen with a performance by live actors accompanying it with a set of callbacks and props used by the audience. I think I almost expected a sort of weird mass. I did enjoy the troupe's live performance and for the most part the actors fit their roles. The actor playing Frank-N-Furter didn't quite look right to me, but I can only imagine that it would be very difficult to fill that role. The actor playing Rocky was, instead of the movie's blonde-haired muscle man, a rather skinny guy with long brown dreadlocks. In this case, however, I actually enjoyed the disconnect and thought it was a neat different take on it. The callbacks, however, were, for the most part, rather inane. I had expected synchronized callbacks that would create a sort of group consciousness, but instead most of them were shouted out by only a few people and were improvised. When I had heard to expect offensive remarks and behaviours, I thought that they would be things that would provoke people's sensitivities in such a way as to make them expand their minds and reconsider irrational hangups. Instead, the "offensive" callbacks were limited to jokes about different forms of sex, the death of Bernie Mac, and actions of the characters.
So, while I did appreciate the reenactment put on by the actors and I am glad that I got to experience the ritual, it'd didn't come across as at all thought provoking or a place for me to build any kind of social circle. Oh well, back to the search. I think I take life too seriously....
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Here is another tidbit I jotted down in note form at work a couple of weeks ago...
After hearing about yet another in a series of sexual exploits of my coworkers, I got to wondering what it is that makes them so comfortable with sex and me completely paralyzed by even the thought of it and I came up with yet another theory.
Growing up in the mormon church, sex was taught about in a very negative way. I, like many mormon youth, read Spencer Kimball's Miracle of Forgiveness. A few of its sex-negative passages and lessons in church that taught similar things seemed to engrave themselves upon my then tender mind and have since pathologized further. One passage stated that a parent would rather that their child die than lose their chastity prior to marriage. Thus, I was forced to conclude that death is more desirable than sex prior to marriage.
The problem with that, however, is that in mormonism, premarital sex and its ilk are considered the worst possible sins short of denying true knowledge of god and murder of innocents. I never really bought the idea that a simple little ceremony can suddenly change a hugely grievous sin into something that is not only okay but suddenly encouraged. Thus, I was forced to conclude that sex after marriage is not really any different than sex prior to marriage and was thus just as sinful. Therefore, death is more desirable than sex in any form.
The only "sex" talk I ever received from my parents was one time when my dad gave me a little "dating" talk that basically condensed down to this: physical intimacy is a slippery slope towards sex. In church lessons, there was plenty of talk about all of the various parts of the opposite sex that you couldn't touch because of that slippery slope. On top of that were the stories about kids who "accidentally" ended up having sex because of physical intimacy and ended up killing themselves because of the shame. Then I had the example of the bishop giving lectures to my friend Jeremy about how evil tongue kissing was because it would lead to sex. Thus, I had to conclude that any physical intimacy was an inevitable treadmill pulling you toward sex. Since death is preferable to sex, I had to conclude that physical intimacy would be worse than slow suicide behaviours like smoking or risk-taking lifestyles.
Now, because of the way we are built, physical intimacy is very difficult to separate from emotional intimacy. Physical touch and proximity release oxytocin and other neurotransmitters and hormones that cause people to bond. Physical intimacy is also often used as a method of expressing emotional intimacy. Because they are so closely linked, that meant that emotional intimacy is also taboo too.
Now, the fact that I can lay all of this out as a theory means that if it is true, I am fully aware of it and can analyze it rationally. On a rational basis, I know that it is a silly belief and I have long since disavowed mormonism as a religion. I can only conclude then that it was etched into my subconscious during my developing years. So, how am I supposed to feel when my natural thoughts and desire for intimacy trigger reflexive death wishes?
I wrote an email yesterday to my manager telling her that I did not want to participate in the competition this week at work. I explained that segregating the teams by gender (guys vs. girls) made me uncomfortable and that the colours used on the board for our names (blue: guys, pink: girls) and trivia questions being asked supported and perpetuated gender stereotypes. In a meeting I had with her today she said that it was okay if I didn't want to participate in the competition and gave an example of someone on her previous team who hadn't wanted to participate in one because it was too distracting, but that she thought my email came across as hostile.
Historically in my life, any time I have tried to dissent from group actions/opinions or the direction of leaders, I've been required to fully justify my position and then vigorously defend it. So, in the meeting where she told me it was okay, it just stunned me. The fact that someone would actually respect my decision without question felt like a completely foreign experience to me. It never even crossed my mind while writing the message that it could come across as hostile. In fact, after I sent the message, the primary thought on my mind was fear that I had not sufficiently justified my position and that I would be required to further defend my position.
I wonder how many other behaviours I have like this created through dysfunctional family relationships and religious indoctrination of my childhood that continue to cause me problems unbeknownst to me now.
Monday, July 28, 2008
It's funny how what you think about prior to going to sleep can affect your dreams. Last night was a perfect example of that. For the record, I took 50mg of 5-HTP with my normal herb/vitamin stack and it is known to increase dream/nightmare activity and recall. So, I got to bed later than intended and was worried about whether I'd wake up in the morning when my alarm went off so that I'd get to work on time. I told myself that at that point there was nothing I could do to affect it and that worrying about it would only worsen the problem by keeping me up longer.
So, during the night I dreamed that I was running on foot to work in the dark and that I came across a barricade blocking my normal route. I hopped over it and started walking and I saw a dog-sized rat out of the corner of my eye. I continued a few more paces and saw more rats and decided to go back and take an alternate route.
I entered a large victorian style building bustling with confusion and I found several people from my work team in the crowd. I couldn't figure out how to get to my desk and the clock chimed 7AM which is when I am supposed to clock in. I kept searching as the minutes ticked by to find my desk or my manager so that I could explain why I was late. I never found either but was surrounded by the crowd of confusion.
Luckily, in real life, once I awoke, I made it to work on time as usual, just tired and with a headache.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
I feel utterly humiliated and don't dare show my face outside of my bedroom all because of an indulgence. In the world of my dreams the very same event would have occurred but would have been completely normal and would have a completely different result than this one will when I emerge.
Friday, May 09, 2008
My step-father and I were on our way to the library on wednesday and while we were sitting at the intersection, we saw a mother duck and her 5 tiny babies walking in the middle of the road. They tried to cross through traffic and the mother got a good knock under the car but managed to stand up and fly off. Two of the babies got squashed and the others just started panicking. My step-father got out of the car and scurried the three remaining babies over to side of the road. I don't know if the mother ever came back to take care of them or what ever happened to them. Either way it was a sad sight to watch.
Friday, April 18, 2008
This morning my step-father admitted to me that my mom has told him that she feels like she failed with me and the next two oldest siblings and that she is overindulging my two youngest sisters in an attempt to compensate.
I feel like evolution created us to fuck. It, however, built in a self-destruct mechanism so that when your usefulness for fucking is over, you get out of the way for the next round of fuckers. Now why post-menopausal women don't trigger this.... who knows, maybe it is some of the extra shit on the second X chromosome that men don't have. So, given that the way I was raised totally messed up any chances of me ever having sex, I feel like my mind has been trying to trip the self-destruct mechanism but that luckily I still have enough of the survival drive left to prevent it from acting, but that every day I have to deal with these opposing forces in a much more conscious way than I ought to have to.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Background: I've repeatedly threatened to give up on the idea of romantic relationships if my latest interest doesn't work out.
(20:09:27) Me: Matt thinks I shouldn't give up overall if this doesn't work out
(20:10:06) Kenneth: Of course you shouldn't, and you won't even if you claim you are
(20:10:18) Me: I would if I could
(20:10:26) Me: god damn hormones and shit won't let me no matter how I try
(20:10:45) Kenneth: Exactly human nature won't let you
(20:10:49) Me: which bites
(20:11:02) Me: human nature is made to make people suffer
(20:11:03) Kenneth: Haha
(20:11:33) Me: so we're like masochistic by default
(20:11:35) Kenneth: Its also made to give us pleasure
(20:11:36) Me: which is kind of fucked up
(20:11:48) Me: well it ain't givin' me pleasure
(20:11:50) Kenneth: Haha
(20:12:02) Me: so it needs to knock it the fuck off
(20:12:03) Kenneth: No so far it hasnt
(20:12:28) Kenneth: It wont
(20:12:51) Me: only one way I know to make it quit and that kind of has unpleasant side effects that I wouldn't want
(20:13:06) Kenneth: What
(20:13:11) Me: Suicide
(20:13:25) Me: but it has that nasty death side effect that goes with it, so it won't do
(20:13:37) Kenneth: I figured that was it
(20:13:49) Kenneth: Yeah, death be worse
(20:14:13) Me: hell, I'll bet that even if I chopped my dick and balls off and became a eunuch I'd still have the natural drives
(20:14:32) Kenneth: Probably to an extent
(20:14:49) Me: if for no other reason than the natural human drives for companionship and emotional intimacy and shit
(20:14:55) Me: so no matter what I'm fucked
(20:15:00) Kenneth: Not as strong though, but then you'd be a freak who has a hard time pissing
(20:16:31) Me: see, this is evidence that either there is no god or else he's a sadistic asshole
(20:16:51) Kenneth: Lol
(20:17:17) Me: 'cause a nice god wouldn't give people drives that they can't get rid of that will just make them suffer their whole lives
(20:17:54) Me: but evolution would because evolution could give a shit if you are happy or not as long as you pass on your genes
(20:17:57) Kenneth: Ah, never know what future holds
(20:18:17) Me: so by not passing on my genes I'm saying "Fuck you evolution!"
(20:18:52) Me: See, evolution gives me the pain so I kill evolution by not allowing it to continue through me!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
You know, I wish I knew where I went wrong.... I thought I did everything right.... I got good grades in high school, I went to college, got a degree. I had an apartment and have a car.
And yet....
I'm 4 months short of being 25, live in my mom's house, have a ton of debt, work in a job next to someone who doesn't even have a GED, perform absolutely mediocre at work despite my best efforts, and I've never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
I'm a chicken and someone should smack me or drop an anvil on my head or something.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
I have a piece of a conversation log to share to help in convincing anyone who still believe that I have sanity otherwise. ;) Due to the graphic and profane nature of the log, I've hidden it in the cut below. Viewing it implies your acceptance of some disclaimer I'm too lazy to make up. Oh, and names obscured to protect the guilty.
[Click here to show entry]
Thursday, January 31, 2008
So, today I had my interview for another position at the University of Phoenix. The interview went well enough and given the position, it doesn't really take much to be qualified for it.
As I left that interview, I got a phone call from one of the other places that I had submitted a resume to. I decided to wait to call them back until I got home and could read up on them again so that I would be able to sound informed if they wanted to interview me on the spot.
So, after I get home and read up on them, I try to call them back but get no answer. Then, 2.5 hours after my interview with UoP, I get a call saying I passed the interview and can I come in tomorrow to fill out new hire paperwork.
I then call back the other place again since it is a job that I would rather do. It would involve deeply researching a specific political issue and then basically coordinating lobbying efforts and media relations. The earliest they could get in an initial interview is Friday. If I pass that, I'd be expected to then do an in person interview.
So, because I can't really afford to pass on the crappy job on the hopes that this other one would work out better and because the other one pays less, I'm going to have to just accept the UoP one. I'm still going to do the interview Friday with the other people though and then if they tell me I pass then I'll tell them that I've taken a position for someone else, but could they keep me on file in case this one doesn't work out.
So what, you may ask, will I be doing. Well, I'll be trying to meet my quota of 650 outbound calls a day. No, that's not a typo.... six fucking hundred fucking fifty calls per day. Now given, not all of them will answer, some may be wrong numbers, etc., but I am expected to make that many calls each day. With each of them that actually answers and is the right person I will be expected to read them questions from a script and try to overcome any basic objections (e.g. I don't have time to talk right now or I'm not interested anymore). If they give the right answers to all of the questions, I transfer them to what is called a conference. My quota is to get 28 of those each day. Depending on who you talk to, I have to put in 6-9 months of doing that before I can consider transferring to another post in the company.
So is this good news? I don't really know. It's a job so it's money so it will provide some stability and so in that sense, it is good. On the other hand, it pays just over half of what the top paying job I've applied for would pay and is miserable work. It'll let me develop phone and customer service experience though. In theory, I could also pursue a masters degree for nearly free with this job, but I'm not sure if I will since none of the programs they offer excite me in the least bit. Also, by taking this job, I am automatically cutting off the possibility that I might come across something better.
Ah well, I'll just take it day by day and let it come dollar by dollar. It'll stabilize me and very slowly move me toward less debt. It'll be a ways yet before I have cut the debt back enough to feel free or move out or invest in any new projects, but at least I'll have halted the slide toward oblivion.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Okay, this is the last post to flush from my mental queue for the night.
I was at dinner with a family in my mum's church group last week and I had some interesting discussions with the father.
One small one left me depressed the rest of the night. We were discussing my situation and how directionless I feel. He was quick to blame this on my having had a "classic liberal education." I looked up liberal education and it is characterized by wikipedia as such: "Usually global and pluralistic in scope, it includes a general education curriculum which provides broad exposure to multiple disciplines and learning strategies in addition to in-depth study in at least one academic area." He feels that this type of education does not prepare people for the real world and makes people quite adept at finding the problems in things and why they cannot work rather than finding and exploiting opportunities. Furthermore, he said that he has seen hundreds of people in my type of situation of hopelessness, directionlessness, and passions repeatedly blunted into despair. I figured that if he has seen that many people in this type of situation then clearly he must know techniques to help me recover from it, so I asked him how those people usually get out. His answer: "they usually don't." Fuck.
We also had a conversation on mormonism which rather intrigued me. He straightforwardly admitted to me that he thinks that agnosticism is the most honest belief in religion and that those who claim to know various religious facts are stupid. He admitted that he doesn't know if much of the mormon mythology about Joseph Smith and such is true. He is, however, a fully practicing mormon and teaches all of these stories to his family and endorses them in church and doesn't feel the slightest bit of dissonance about it. How can this be you might ask and indeed I wondered myself. The way he approaches it is that he looks at the groups of people who are overrepresented in large corporations, government, finance, etc. To him, these groups include mormons, jews, arabs, and one other that I can't remember. He also examines systems and what results they produce. So, he sees that mormons are so overrepresented in these fields and he sees the happy families and such and then believes that regardless of whether all of the things taught in the system are true or not, they bring good results and therefore are worth following. Because he lives in the western United States, mormonism is a fairly dominant culture in some areas and so therefore to him, it makes the most logical sense that if one wants to be successful in these areas, they should follow mormonism. They shouldn't care if the teachings have any basis in reality or not, but simply accept that following them will generally lead to the results they want. He believes that his beautiful wife and his good children are a direct result of having bought into the mormon social structure and going on a mission and such. Had he been born into a jewish or muslim area, I think he would have followed those systems with equal vigour.
He is convinced that part of my situation of being kind of drifting is the fact that I separated myself from that treadmill system and did not replace it with something else. While I did concede that this idea may have some merit, I also explained that I require a basis in truth and that my moral system dictates that I must, if necessary, reduce efficiency or success in order to maintain truth. His belief was that the fact that the mormon system works to produce the results he wants makes the system "true" in the only way that really matters in the end, in a pragmatic rather than theoretical sense.
So, while I found the discussion fascinating as this was a point of view I'd never heard before, I simply can't justify it to myself. I'm curious to hear others' thoughts on it and how his point of view may relate to other philosophies since I don't suppose he came up with it on his own.
So, some of you may wonder why I have had the mini-epiphany described in my last post about marriage and why I have even bothered to reconsider whether it is possible for me. The answer is that I found out that I may need it.
As many of you know, one of my primary goals in life, if not the primary goal in my life, is to travel the world and live in different places including foreign countries to experience as many cultures and settings as possible.
That is one reason the idea of the foreign service officer job appeals to me. It would give me an automatic job in a capacity that I would enjoy in various places around the world and would provide training including language training. The downsides being that you have to tout the party line even where you don't agree with it and that you don't get to pick the locations yourself.
So I was looking into other options and by chance I came across some pages describing how to get citizenship in other countries. I discovered that in several countries in the European Union it is possible to get citizenship by living in the country for 5 years straight and learning the language and culture. Two of the countries that have this sort of requirement that interest me are Sweden and the Netherlands, though we'll take the latter for the sake of discussion. If I were to acquire dutch citizenship, I could live and work in any country in the EU without having to get special visas and work permits. It would require that I learn the language(s) and skills for jobs myself, but would give me freedom to choose my location, at least within the EU. It seems like the hardest part would be actually getting the residential visa and work permit to begin with and then all you have to do is last out the time and learn along the way.
So, that all sounds straightforward, but there is a catch. In order to take dutch citizenship, I would be required to renounce my US citizenship. While I might consider that for a brief moment, I don't think I could actually do it. There is definitely advantage to having citizenship in the most powerful country in the world and besides, it is my home country. It would be terribly bizarre to have to get visas or green cards or something to live/work in the US if I came back to visit or to live. So, I discovered that there is a list of exceptions to the renunciation requirement, but I could only theoretically meet one of them. If I were to marry a dutch citizen then after 3 years of being married to them (and meeting the other requirements), I could apply for dutch citizenship and be permitted to keep my US citizenship as well.
So, that would require I get married which brings in a whole host of questions, some of which I addressed in my last post. In addition to that, I'd need to make sure to end up with someone that liked to travel and move around as well. I'd also have to deal with the question of children.... which I have absolutely zero desire for at the moment and would require some convincing to ever change.
There is another catch as well. While the US does permit a US citizen to hold dual citizenship, if a person voluntarily obtains a second citizenship (as opposed to being granted it due to birth, etc.), they are automatically disqualified for security clearances due to foreign interest. This would effectively disqualify me from the foreign service officer job. My thoughts are that if I were to pursue the dual citizenship route then it'd be a minimum of 5 years from when I started and by that time I'd probably have some career already worked out and I'd already have a way to live and work in most of Europe so I may not need the FSO job.
So, I'm a little torn between which path would be ideal and I don't know that I can make either work, but at least either way would be interesting. And besides, wouldn't it be freakin' cool if I had an EU passport? I'd love to have some legitimate claim to call myself european.
Although Jeremy likes to blame himself for my complete lack of any sort of love life, I've come to the conclusion recently that in fact, Freud was more right. I now blame my mother.
I was talking to someone about my lack of romance and all of the reasons why I don't think I'd ever want to get married. The reasons actually boil down to a few key items like privacy, independence, control over my resources, and sex.
Now the sex thing I attribute more to church beliefs in how I was raised though some very awkward conversations about masturbation and condoms with my mother growing up and the shame implied in those couldn't have helped me much.
The others, however, I feel my mother was a large contributor in. She is very assertive and very often does not know that no means no. If I say no to her about something and she thinks it is in my best interest, she will still go behind my back to do it. Oftentimes this involves invading my room or my car or in other ways violating my privacy and property. This clearly leads to a lot of trust issues since I cannot trust her to respect my space at all. She also never maintains any kind of balance of control. She also feels compelled to express her opinion on literally everything and she presents her opinion as fact and then on many topics proceeds to judge the hell out of anyone who believes differently. She often holds family meetings or discussions under the pretense of them being democratic and then she proceeds to disregard anything anyone else says and implements her own plan. When we are put in charge of other tasks like cleaning the pool, she constantly interferes with it behind our backs to get it done the way she wants. Now in a parent-child relationship some of this is to be expected, though it should be less so with me as an adult offspring of hers, but it isn't. But disregarding even this is the fact that she has treated both husbands of hers in very similar ways.
So, I guess my fear is that if I were ever in a dating relationship with someone or married to someone, I'd have to deal with all of this again. I'd have to worry over the security of my possessions and my money. I'd have to worry about who I am and what my dreams are. I'd have to worry that my entire life would be micromanaged to the point that I am powerless. If all of this happened, then what the fuck would be the point of the relationship? I'd be insane to willingly enter into that.
So, I got to thinking, if I met someone that I could actually trust and who would actually accept me for who I am without judging me, maybe it might work. Then I might feel safe to let my guard down about my things and myself. My privacy would be a little less important because I wouldn't have to feel defensive about as much. It could then actually be a safe and relaxing place to be to escape from the world rather than being a burden of yet another thing I just have to work to maintain exhausting myself. Now, I have my doubts about whether I could actually find someone like that that I was actually attracted to and even if I did, I'd have the whole physical intimacy hurdle to get over, but Samantha assures me that my mental blocks on that would melt away if I got into the type of relationship just described.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Well, I discovered another of my gerbils dead tonight. Now I'm down to 3. Strangely, the two original gerbils, who are parents to the rest, are among the survivors. My sister has one of the original litter and I don't know what ever happened to the other two that passed from my brother to a friend to god knows where.
It's strange to watch as they die. My original plan, so full of hope, was to move to the northeast, to experience New York City, Boston, etc. I wanted to see a new england autumn. I wanted to see the historical sights. My plan was, however, only to stay up there for a few years until my gerbils had died off which would then free me to lead an adventurous life.
Now their numbers have dwindled in the past year from 8 to 3 and rather than excitedly taking in the northeast, I am now in the southwest mired in so much financial difficulty that I can't even do much to experience this area and what it has to offer. I fear that when the last one drops, I will only be able to bury my head in grief at life rather than soar into grand adventures.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Shit, I didn't get the UoP job. My mom got a lead on another job possibility while at a new years party. It pays less, it would be pretty boring, and it would do nothing for my short or long-term career ambitions, but at least it'd keep me afloat.... assuming I have any better luck getting that job than the others I've applied for.
Oh, yeah, and on new years, my mom called and said that she didn't think we'd like the party she was at. She's usually the type to try to talk us into something no matter what so the fact that she would even admit that we wouldn't like it meant we definitely wouldn't. So, my brother, little sister, and I stayed home watching TV. Eventually my brother fell asleep on the couch, my sister was looking at clothes on the computer, and nothing good was on TV so at 11:30PM I just said fuck it and went to sleep. I woke up at 12:03, saw the clock, and went back to sleep. My brother apparently woke up at 11:55 only to discover that we don't even get the channel with the ball drop, so he just went back to sleep too. Aren't our lives great?
Fuck 2008.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Well, tonight is new years and I've already overdrawn my checking account and today I fell back on writing a credit card access check in order to buy myself a month. The staff recruiter at UoP will be back from vacation on 2 January and so I hope to hear something about whether I'll get that job at that point.
So options for tonight are shit or shit. The city is hosting a new years eve party, but it is a family centered event meaning that the people there will either be older people or their kids as all of the people around my age will be off at more interesting and less kid-friendly parties. The singles group of my mom's church is doing a new years party at an ice skating rink which doesn't really appeal to me or my wallet. The only good option is to go to a nightclub, but all of them that I can find have at least a $20 cover which neither my brother nor I can afford.
So yeah, suck.