Monday, April 18, 2005
I've been trying to think of things to post on the blog since it has been a few days. I've had a few thoughts here, a few dream scenes there, but I haven't chosen to post them. This week has been loaded with stress as I have several large projects due all at once that I had originally thought were going to be spread out a little more. The stress has reduced me to occasional clumsiness (losing grip, dropping things, knocking things over) and today led to a headache that distracted from nearly everything. It's one of those cases of where stress incapacitates you and while you have so much you need to do, you have trouble doing anything. In the meantime, my mind cannot rest on one topic alone, of course, and I've been thinking more about the people on facebook. I imagine if I had been a bigger part of their lives in high school or if I was now or if I had gone through the years since then with them instead of isolated. Sometimes I think it might be nice to go through time like that with someone instead of alone. I'm not sure how to verbalize what I think it would give you, but it would give you something you can't get any other way. I've also noticed the casual way the people around me and on facebook talk about things like relationships or sex or drinking. I think everyone, or at least most people, starts at a level of being uncomfortable with things until it sinks in. It's a process of learning to live life, kind of like learning to drive a car. At first you have to be concentrated on all of the particulars but you build automatisms and then can focus on other things in the process. I find that things that are so casual, accepted, normal, whatever for other people often are to me a great mystery or a big deal and so I cannot flow with them. I've had conversations about this with people before where I try to figure out when and where everyone else gained the comfort with these sorts of things that I somehow missed the bus on, but I haven't been able to pin it down. On one hand I would like to blame it on the church, but I really can't because even while at BYU I had this conversation with a number of roommates who didn't miss the bus on a lot of issues. Sometimes I like to tell myself that I'm just on a different bus travelling a different road and that cheers me up for a bit until I realize that I'm the only one on my bus. It gets lonely sometimes but I can't just get off the bus and go hop on someone else's bus... they've already left me behind. I can't just forsake what I've found on my bus either. It would be nice if someone else would hop on my bus or else I find someone else travelling the same road even just for a little while. Sometimes all we need is someone on our same wavelength to bounce things off of and just rap about life. I think that too many other bus drivers just read the map and their passengers willingly go along for the ride. Sometimes I think that to live means to be alone.