Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Some strange force has come over me today and at least one other time in the past couple of days. It's like a natural amphetamine or something, but I'm not taking any drugs. Its symptoms manifest in a way that I can best describe as "wired". Despite yawning and other signs of sleepiness, I feel almost indefatigable. When it hits, I feel like I cannot sit still. I fiddle with my fingers, move my legs, and hold my pen in my mouth. In addition, my awareness and focus shift quickly between things and I notice and focus on things I normally wouldn't like another student picking at his fingernails or the way the shoelace projects from a different student's shoes. I seem to be quite paranoid too noticing when people look at me or if they glance toward my paper to see what I'm writing (in this case, notes for this blog entry!). There is also a nervousness, a sense of urgency or excitement without direction or focus. It is like something is imminent and I don't know what but still feel that I must act quickly. When I walked toward a water fountain, a girl shifted from the one next to my destination into my path and before I was aware of what I was doing I quickly halted to avoid collision. When I was heading toward an elevator, I saw a large woman coming slowly in a perpendicular path and I darted in front of her to press the elevator button, flew back as she passed, and then darted behind her to enter the elevator. Another strange symptom is somatic. I have a higher awareness of the muscles in my arms and legs, probably due to the exercise I did on them yesterday. The strangest thing though is the affect of the blood flow on my eyes. In class, I reached out my arms to stretch them and getting a head feeling like standing up too fast, I became distinctly aware of and could feel the beating of my heart in my chest. Every time it beat, there would be a slight dimming in my vision which restored itself at the end of every pulse. After class, when I ran to get a piece of mail sent and still catch my bus, my heart beat quickly and when I paused from running, this dimming on the beat effect was noticible again.
I don't know what keeps causing this buzz like this. In some ways it is good because of the energy as if my body is trying to go as fast as my mind but in other ways it is undesirable because of the constant paranoia, nervousness, and urgency. It could be do to biological changes due to my new exercise program finally taking some effect. It could also be due to the additions to my herb/vitamin daily regimen. Amongst the additions are ginkgo biloba which allegedly has cognitive benefits and evening primrose oil, which allegedly has as one of its effects, the protection of myelin sheaths on nerves to facilitate quick and correct nervous data. Some of it may also be due to my readings about the 1960's in Acid Dreams which has considerable data on people being manipulated by other people and organizations. It really isn't possible to figure it out since unlike a good scientist I have applied numerous treatments all at once as a shotgun approach to hurtle me forward, thus destroying any chance to measure the efficacy of any individual treatment.