Thursday, April 21, 2005
They say that the more you learn, the more you realize how little you know. I've been feeling that with respect to language lately. The inadequacy of language for the expression and communication of ideas has been one of the motifs showing up in my life lately ranging from my Philosophy of Math class to my person experience to the book I'm reading, Stranger in a Strange Land. The deeper I delve into thoughts the more it occurs. It happened during an email conversation I had with Curt and it happened repeatedly in my therapy session today. I struggled with explaining concepts having to do with dissonance, anxiety, and an emotion having to do with clinging to permanence that I couldn't even find a close word for. Because words have so many wholly different meanings and connotations, it is hard to convey an idea even when it matches the word you are trying to use. Other times there are more complicated ideas that have words that represent something somewhat similar to what you mean but don't really encapsulate the whole of what you mean. I think it is good that I'm being able to transcend certain parts of language and think of ideas, concepts, and abstractions that I don't have any linguistic representation of, however, I worry that my communication will grow further impaired because of the lack of sufficient forms of representation. Maybe I need to learn how to paint...
On the other hand, I think my therapy is going well. It's not that it is accomplishing much in the traditional sense, but it does give me something that I want. It gives me the therapist as a disinterested observer. To avoid word choice confusion, I feel like it is necessary to clarify what I mean by disinterested since dis- in this case is not a negation prefix. It isn't that he isn't interested in what I have to say, because I know he is and he always expresses regrets that we are out of time and says how interesting all of my philosophical/theoretical expositions are, but that he doesn't have some power structure interest in the relationship and so there are no pretenses to uphold. I suppose that technically in the role of doctor-patient relationship, he has his role that he is supposedly to play so that he technically does have interest in it, but I feel like he has been free about it and what is important is that I don't believe he has vested interests. I have been able to do as I wish and dispense with the small talk and jump straight into my theoretical and philosophical ideas. I wish I could find friends like that to just skip the "lower" things and jump straight into deep waters, but I think that most people don't like to have constant heavy dosage of it without light refreshers like I do. I ran into someone from my philosophy class at the video rental store one time and he said he was just looking for something that wouldn't make him have to think since he'd had to do that at school. I couldn't understand the idea. I can understand not wanting to think about specific topics, but even when I choose something for relaxation purposes, it is meditative or an observation mission so that I continue with mental stimulation of some sort.
Going back to the therapy, it touches on one other idea I've had. Sometimes I do things or feel like I need to do things because I feel like I need to. These kinds of acts are not necessarily things I mean or desire to have represent me but through their instantiation it either allows me to purge the idea from my mind or its instantiation is required to complete the links of some system in my mind. Sometimes it is as simple as expounding an idea to another person, sometimes it is an act, sometimes it is a provocation. In most cases it is something that I mentally require for my evolution but wish that others would forget. They are things I do not want to be held responsible or accountable for because they are acted upon out of necessity. It isn't criminal, illegal, or otherwise bad actions that need to be treated as some sort of compulsion. They are simply steps that must be taken that I am bound to just as I am bound to my bowels. It's like I often require other people for these steps like elements in a chemical reaction, however I only want to present the final form to other people. When growing up as a child, you share your larval form with others like you and it is a bonding ritual to learn and take steps together. As you grow into maturity, however, the paths of people diverge and the steps taken are different. These steps, because they are not shared, do not create the same bonding and oftentimes cause conflict or anxiety in others. The way it relates to my therapy is that with the therapist I have a place to flush the ones that only need to be said. Even though the therapist plays a small role in the sessions, mainly acknowledging what I say and periodically offering his own experiences or choosing which tangents we will follow, it is useful to have him because I can explicate my ideas and theories and worldview. It seems that even without further thought, ideas and systems are substantially changed when shared with another person. They don't have to agree or disagree, and in fact it is better when they don't but simply acknowledge the sharing, but through the act it helps me to develop my ideas through whatever change happens to them in the sharing process. It's almost like the sharing of the ideas is a necessary enzyme for some of my mental development, thus making me to some degree literally dependent on other people to continue my progression. That's a lot to think about.