Friday, November 11, 2005
I think I can see one of the reasons that people believe in Satan as an existing, proactive being. That is that there is obvious beauty and good in the world, but there is also plenty of negative and we, as people, tend to develop persecution complexes fairly easily.
Every morning when I go outside, the sky is beautiful and the trees form a myriad of colours as they change for the fall. I walk downtown where the buildings are old and the atmosphere is prime. Yesterday, while waiting downtown for the bus, I found a patch of grass by city all and I just lay down on it and felt the breeze stirring over my back and heard the flag flapping overhead and I could watch as each piece of grass twitched in the wind or when an insect would crawl on it.
If only life could always be that peaceful. Despite these experiences which should instill peace in my mind, I still walk around all of the time with stress and anxiety. My boss told me two days ago that the company is requiring that I lower my hours to 15-16 per week rather than the 20-25 I had been assuming since that is what I had done while at BYU. That cut will mean at minimum a 25% decrease in my monthly income, or about $250. I was barely able to make my bills from the checking account before and that was with putting as many on the credit card as I could. I don't know what I'll do now. I've looked on several sites and in the newspaper and there is no job available that has comparable pay and hours that I could get to replace this job. If there were then despite my company loyalty, I'd drop this job like a hot potato with all the crap they keep doing to me with regards to money (paychecks months late, almost made me have to drop school for a semester due to paying late, now limiting hours). Now, it seems that I'm not the only one low on money. The psychology department at the university had put all of the higher level courses to require permission of department because they couldn't afford to open more sections or hire more professors. I was able to get permission by being on a waiting list for some, but I don't know if it will be enough. If I can't get enough of the classes I need for next semester, my graduation planned for next December will be delayed, which means even more debt. Finding a second job would only provide a little extra income and would take a definite toll on my schoolwork and may be difficult to continue with my schedule changing in January.
Although others assure me it wouldn't be a problem, I really don't want to have to take a semester off of school to work. My current job would obviously not provide me full time hours, so I'd have to find another job and then I couldn't guarantee this job would be waiting for me when I got back in school. The other problem is that, as I've explained her before, I'm really sick and tired of school and even with only one or two semesters left, I would find it very hard to get myself to return if I took a semester off and actually reduced the debt rather than enlarging it.
I really need to just finish school, pay my debts off, and then have some sort of adventure for a while, working jobs enough just to get by and just enjoy life for once without all of the worries.