Wednesday, November 23, 2005
So, my dear readers may be wondering... did the good things happen yet? Well, not quite yet, but things are generally on the upswing I think.
After one experience on Sunday (Curt, you know what I'm talking about) and doing a deep clean of the apartment, I've been generally a lot less stressed out. I have been able to catch up on a lot of things like finally writing and sending a reply letter to Leonard (2 months behind), writing a reply email to Casimir (3 weeks behind), checking an online "dating" site and seeing that one girl I wrote to actually wrote back (3 weeks ago), as well as various items like going through a lot of my old todo or to-research lists and taking care of those items and getting rid of the lists.
It's funny the way I am about body modifications. In general I really dislike things that are not natural in the body. The earrings have turned out to be an exception as I've rather come to like them. On the other hand, yesterday I had to have another of the bad modifications. I went to my first dentist appointment in about two years and was informed that I did manage to get another cavity (I'd only had one before), so I had to suffer through having a filling put in (though there was physical pain, it was more the psychological pain that bothered me).
Tomorrow I'm off to the village (see last thanksgiving post about how the area around my dad's house feels like The Village) for thanksgiving. It's a long but not unpleasant drive (except when you get stuck behind someone). If I can find a way for my animals to have enough sustenance, I may choose to go through Peachtree City on my way back. Either way, don't expect another post before Friday-Sunday.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
I had really fucking better be due some good things soon because all this bad shit is starting to get me pretty upset. It seems like every day something new bad happens.
Monday, November 14, 2005
To those who have an obsessive need for closure on everything or for those merely curious, after $429.15 and a new distributor, my car is back in action! I tried to find out what a distributor is and all I could find is that it has something to do with timing of the spark plugs. Oh well, it works now.
Friday, November 11, 2005
Shit! It would just have to happen that right after I get my income cut drastically, I would have something happen that could potentially be expensive. I was on my way to the bus this morning to go to class and then I realized I had forgotten my ID card, so I had to turn around and walk away watching the bus leave me behind. When I got home, I got in the car, determined that I couldn't miss class again, and I started to back up. I'm paranoid about parking so I was going slow to make sure that I wouldn't hit the car parked opposite me. I went too slow and stalled the car. When I tried to crank it back up, no go. It cranks but it doesn't catch. A nice lady who had nothing better to do due to being locked out of her apartment until the leasing office would open 30 minutes later helped me push the car over a speed bump so that I could pull it into a parking spot without blocking the others parked around me. I just went out a few minutes ago to go shopping to buy more toilet paper which I ran out of today. Turns out that the car problems weren't just due to the cold weather this morning because the car still doesn't start. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I guess I'll just have to eat the costs of towing and hope it isn't too expensive to fix.
Today I realized that there are 3 levels of sex. When two people have sex, that is the middle level. When they are having sex, a small part of the man is inside of the woman. When he ejaculates, he ejects millions of sperm from their labyrinthian birthplace in the testes into the large, cave-like chamber of the vagina. In there, the sperm could look around and see that they are in a large area where they can flop around more than they have ever flopped before, but they can see that there are acids and dangers for them there. They realize that they could flop around in there until they die and that that would be a perfectly acceptable life for them. At least some of them see that there is a narrow passageway that they could flop into. They might think "why I should I, after going from my labyrinthian prison into this large open space where I can move, go willingly into a new tunnel to constrict me?," but some of them just say fuck it and decide to flop into the tunnel knowing full well that they will probably never come back to the big chamber and that there may or may not be something better for them in the tunnel. So, they flop around through the narrow tunnel not knowing if there is another side, but they just keep on flopping. At some point, they come across the egg. This is the small level of sex. Although these little sperms have been inside of a woman for a while now, it doesn't matter to them since it is just their world and their sphere of reference. When the sperm finds the egg, he begins to try to penetrate it, except unlike the middle level, when he penetrates it, he is almost completely engulfed by the female, all but his tail which is shed leaving him fully engulfed. When a sperm sees that one of his brothers has penetrated the egg and raised defenses against him getting in, he has only a few choices. Most of the sperm take the dumb way and just keep trying to bump up against that egg as if they can't just let go since they aren't going to get in. Some of the others will continue to flop on down the tunnel and if they get lucky then maybe there is another egg, but most likely they'll flop on looking until they die. When a man ejaculates into a woman, he knows that he is unloading millions of entities which are half of him each and that between the lot of them, he himself could be genetically put back together several times. Yet he knows that only one or a few of these copies will ever survive if he gets lucky. How many times then has each man knowingly killed versions of himself in a lifetime? And why does it not bother him to do it? Then, there is the highest level of sex, the level in which God fucks the world. We all flop around on Mother Earth using it as the only world we know. Is there an egg for us to find? If so, is it a physical object that only one or a few of us will get like with the lower level or is it something abstract that we can all find? Is there a God like the deists say, that he just had his equivalent of ejaculation to spray us all over the place and then he disappears not really caring that most of us will die without ever finding our egg. Between the lot of us though, we should be able to form God many times over. Maybe that is why we get into relationships, romantic or otherwise, to try to find the rest of the pieces to form God. Should we, like the sperm, give up some of our freedoms from the big world to willingly explore a channel which we may never come back from, but also in which may lie our only hopes of finding the egg? It appears so. Only we are smarter than the sperm because we try to find the rest of God to go with us down the channels.
I think I can see one of the reasons that people believe in Satan as an existing, proactive being. That is that there is obvious beauty and good in the world, but there is also plenty of negative and we, as people, tend to develop persecution complexes fairly easily.
Every morning when I go outside, the sky is beautiful and the trees form a myriad of colours as they change for the fall. I walk downtown where the buildings are old and the atmosphere is prime. Yesterday, while waiting downtown for the bus, I found a patch of grass by city all and I just lay down on it and felt the breeze stirring over my back and heard the flag flapping overhead and I could watch as each piece of grass twitched in the wind or when an insect would crawl on it.
If only life could always be that peaceful. Despite these experiences which should instill peace in my mind, I still walk around all of the time with stress and anxiety. My boss told me two days ago that the company is requiring that I lower my hours to 15-16 per week rather than the 20-25 I had been assuming since that is what I had done while at BYU. That cut will mean at minimum a 25% decrease in my monthly income, or about $250. I was barely able to make my bills from the checking account before and that was with putting as many on the credit card as I could. I don't know what I'll do now. I've looked on several sites and in the newspaper and there is no job available that has comparable pay and hours that I could get to replace this job. If there were then despite my company loyalty, I'd drop this job like a hot potato with all the crap they keep doing to me with regards to money (paychecks months late, almost made me have to drop school for a semester due to paying late, now limiting hours). Now, it seems that I'm not the only one low on money. The psychology department at the university had put all of the higher level courses to require permission of department because they couldn't afford to open more sections or hire more professors. I was able to get permission by being on a waiting list for some, but I don't know if it will be enough. If I can't get enough of the classes I need for next semester, my graduation planned for next December will be delayed, which means even more debt. Finding a second job would only provide a little extra income and would take a definite toll on my schoolwork and may be difficult to continue with my schedule changing in January.
Although others assure me it wouldn't be a problem, I really don't want to have to take a semester off of school to work. My current job would obviously not provide me full time hours, so I'd have to find another job and then I couldn't guarantee this job would be waiting for me when I got back in school. The other problem is that, as I've explained her before, I'm really sick and tired of school and even with only one or two semesters left, I would find it very hard to get myself to return if I took a semester off and actually reduced the debt rather than enlarging it.
I really need to just finish school, pay my debts off, and then have some sort of adventure for a while, working jobs enough just to get by and just enjoy life for once without all of the worries.
Monday, November 07, 2005
This is unbelievably depressing
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Bits of conversation for your amusement:
(14:45:59) Kenneth Ross: we conculded that everything was absurd anyway
(14:46:08) Me: exactly
(14:46:56) Me: I'm just waiting for the universe itself to realize that and give up its pretentious natural laws and fall apart in a beautiful, sparkling apocalypse
(14:47:13) Kenneth Ross: never happen
...
(14:48:13) Me: the people don't have to realize it. The universe does
(14:48:25) Me: I guess first we have to give the universe a consciousness
(14:48:34) Kenneth Ross: yeah
(14:48:40) Me: or accept Jung's universal subconsciousness
(14:49:32) Me: that solves it then.... all we have to do is put speakers all over the world connected to one microphone that we have and then we have to simultaneously dose everyone on the planet on a high dose of LSD and then explain to them the absurdity of everything
(14:53:32) Kenneth Ross: lol what a weird typo, on this announcement of a meeting comming up on the schools webpage, one of ours professors name is Chris and they accidently spelled it Christ.
(14:54:01) Me: you should feel special, the second coming is at your school and Armageddon is really going to happen in America not Israel
(14:57:06) Kenneth Ross: but first i get a shower cause i needs one
(14:57:40) Me: get naked, get in the shower, turn the water on, close your eyes, and when you open them you will find yourself on a rainy day in times square
(14:58:08) Kenneth Ross: hopefully still not naked
(14:58:14) Me: nope, still naked
(14:58:23) Me: and you will wonder how you got there
(14:58:25) Kenneth Ross: then invisible to those surronding
(14:58:31) Me: and as soon as you just about figure it out you will blink
(14:58:33) Kenneth Ross: or dreaming
(14:58:35) Me: and find yourself back in your shower
(14:58:54) Kenneth Ross: that would actually be kinda cool
I love the brief moments in time where it freezes or moves in slow motion. It has happened to me twice lately. The day before yesterday I was scooping ice cream and I saw a chunk fall from the spoon and I watched it fall in slow motion and I easily stepped out of its way because it was falling so slow (at least to my perception). Today as I picked up my cell phone I did so fast enough and with light a grip enough that it jumped out of my hand. Rather than flying across the room as it typically would sending me cursing and going after it to pick it up, it flew into the air and them seemingly just stopped and I plucked it out of the air. Now I realize that to the external observer, the ice cream fell at normal speed and the phone was continuing its arc and was still moving as usual and to them I just got lucky or had a quick reflex, but I know that it wouldn't have happened the way it did if it hadn't been for the perceptual differences. Normally I would have been hit with the ice cream and missed the phone. Wouldn't it be neat if you could train your mind and control your own perception well enough that you could perform these feats on a regular basis or at least at times when you chose to apply them rather than just as spontaneous experiences?
Friday, November 04, 2005
They say that the first step in recovery from something is to admit that you have a problem. Well, here it goes: I'm judgmental. I never really thought about it before but in my long conversation with Allison the other day, she accused me of it and I got to thinking about it. I really do tend to think that my worldview is the correct one and while I allow for some variations or alternatives, for the most part I don't. I read in one article that judgmental people look down on people that they don't feel are living up to their potential. Yep, I've been guilty of that one too. My recent thoughts on Matt, which I posted here, have stood in contrast to my typical behaviour. I also thought about when I'm romantically choosing girls to pursue. I've traditionally used the word picky, but all that really means is that I judged a lot of girls not worth my time. I also tended to do the same thing to a lot of other people that could have been friends. Like I've also mentioned recently here, now that I read more about them on sites like Facebook, I realize what I lost by writing them off. I do think that although the mormon church in words discourages judgmental behaviour, in action and socialization processes it does encourage it and so I think I got a lot of it from that. I can't say that that was the only or necessarily even the primary causal factor, but really it doesn't matter what caused it. The heart of the matter is that I currently am judgmental of people and I've been that way long enough that I've projected it onto everyone else and assumed that everyone else was judging me too. So, there, I have admitted to having a problem and have seen possible causes and the problems it causes now and has caused in the past. What is step 2?