Thursday, October 19, 2006
I think I've begun to peak over the ledge of a new stage in mental or spiritual development.
I have long since had a distrust in my body as I found that often its desires and will not only did not always align with my own, but often conflicted. I began to think of the body as not really part of me because I don't feel like the entity I call "I" really had any say in the desires of the body.
Now I'm starting to feel similarly about the mind as well. I've become increasing aware of the rationalization powers of the mind and I've begun to become aware of disparities between its interpretations and reality. I also feel like I'm coming to terms with a few things in my past but I'm very suspicious now that these feelings aren't simply my mind's rationalizations and coping mechanisms to deal with the present. I am starting to feel like my mind is not really part of me but is simply an artificial substrate generated to resemble the real world and I am operating in this substrate rather than in the real world. It has artificial limitations and the translation from the real world to the mind world is increasingly noticeably flawed. As I base my actions on this artificial world and then realize those actions in the real world and then interpret the results through the skewed translation to the mind, then of course I feel a disconnect and fundamental misunderstanding of the world around me!
So, now the question arises how much the body really is in conflict with "I" or whether those conflicts were anomalous results generated by the flawed mind filter. I am tempted to believe still that the conflicts are real and that "I" am different from my body. It is becoming increasingly confusing to try to describe who "I" am because so many traits and descriptions that most people provide are of the body self or the mind self, neither of which I consider to be my true self.
So, if I am not the body and I am not the mind, then what am I? The only thing I can think that is left is consciousness itself... am I really just a being of pure consciousness and if so, what is consciousness? Does it even have an independent existence or is it simply a fleeting property of interactions between other, more tangible forces which are not really me?
This also raises the question of agency (where agency is defined as the power to exert power or influence over your environment) is even really a property of "I" or whether I am merely observing the agentive powers of one of the other selves.
Wouldn't that be a simple way to solve the problem of free will vs. determinism? Simply stated, you do have agency if you take a broad definition of self, but you don't if you take the most narrow definition of what really constitutes the self. That is to say, the true "I" may not have agentive powers at all, but may, in the process of existing, observe other parts of the self (e.g. body, mind) which do have agentive power in the world.
So, if this theory of self being merely consciousness is true, what are the implications for how I should live my life? And if, through this thought process, my life changes, have "I" exerted agentive power over my life or have I merely changed my angle of observation? (feel free to interpret that concept in any physical/mystical/quantum/whatever way you choose)