Sunday, November 19, 2006
Gosh, it's annoying the toll stress can take on you leading to fatigue, lack of motivation, and despair. I feel like this is how it would go if it was a movie trying to make a point. Don't worry, I have no intention of acting this out or anything remotely similar to it, but I feel like this sort of hypothetical narrative explains better how I feel right now.
Family and friends would be gathered at the graduation ceremony. The graduate would have spent many long years to finish college and everyone would be proud of the great accomplishment it is. The graduate would feel completely empty inside about it and wonder about the worth of anything being celebrated that day. It would be a day that is supposed to be perfect and should give the graduate pride and fulfillment but all of the hubbub would only serve to amplify the disparity between how he should feel and how he does feel. At the climax of the ceremony when all attention is on him, he would take whatever document was given to him, look at it, drop in on the floor laughing a sad laugh at how fucking pointless everything is and how worthless this whole thing is and how equally worthless any alternative would have been and then he would look out and see the growing distress at everyone in the crowd watching him. He'd laugh at their distress more to hurt himself than to hurt them. He'd know it would hurt them too but nothing would stop the events unfolding. With a click and a bang he'd find out if there is an afterlife. There would be wailing and commotion and grief and love and distress and myriad other human emotions. Nobody would understand why it happened. Nobody would know what he felt. Nobody would really ever know his dreams, his secrets, his feelings, the significance of things in his life to him, etc. They would look at the events and wonder how at a moment that is supposed to be so joyous and sets him on the brink of starting off his life with greatness he could feel he needed to do such a thing. They'd see the things he had done and scraps of evidence of the things he wanted to do and see how much more he had than so many other people and wonder how such a passion for experiences could lead to this. Nobody would really ever understand, not even he himself, and he would be lost forever.