Monday, June 26, 2006
I think I just made a mistake that I'm going to have to be rudely superficial to get myself out of. Shit.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
While I have always tried to eat relatively healthy, I have always been plagued by the fact that most of the time I simply have no idea what food to prepare. This leads to one of two outcomes:
1. I buy frozen entrees like lasagna that will last me for a few days and probably are not the most healthy items
2. I pick a healthy meal I like and I make it repeatedly and have it every day, sometimes for weeks on end.
The whole picking recipes out of a recipe book and making them idea has never really worked for me either because I'm reluctant to buy all of the ingredients needed knowing that most of them will just sit in storage once I tire of that particular meal and don't know what else to use them in.
Also, despite the opinions of others at various times, I'm rather determined to lose a little weight.
So, I've decided to do the unthinkable. I'm actually going to try a diet. You know, one of those various diets with a name that come into vogue for a time? The only times I've tried dieting before, it was things I made up myself and mostly consisted of cutting out indulgence items, trying to eat healthy, and trying to limit portion size. That of course always degraded into one of the two problems above.
So, with the diet book, I'll have a variety of related meals so that I can know that my extra ingredients won't just go to waste and I'll have meal plans and lists of recipes to make so that I can't complain about variety. And as a side benefit, maybe, if I'm lucky, I might lose a few pounds while I'm at it.
I'm not going to start for a few days since I'm not one to throw out good food before it spoils and I have spoilable items which are not allowed on the diet.
If a person consciously engages in a compulsory behaviour or consciously and compulsively avoids a certain behaviour or a person has a compulsive preference for or against something..... and it is for some completely irrational reason which, while not innate, has come to be an identifying characteristic of the person.... should the person specifically stop the thing they are doing or specifically engage in the behaviour or opposite preference in order to break the irrational behaviour? Should this be done to get rid of the mind clutter or simply to check whether there actually is a rational root to the supposed irrational behaviour or preference? Or should the person simply accept it and continue to use it as a piece of identity so long as it does not interfere with the person's chosen life? What if "correcting" it would make future plans more seamlessly go with the flow?
And why am I so fucking paranoid that the slightest behaviour against my established set of rules self will permanently and indelibly stain me forever? Why am I so convinced that every action I make has infinite and eternal significance? Is my time really so short that I feel that I must infuse every action with some meaning and things can't be meaningless fun? Why is it that a single "flaw" in myself, even if not caused by me forever haunts me? Why is it that the idea of causing a "flaw" (according to my irrational set of rules) in myself by committing an act scares me to the extent that I engage in self-harming (social, mental, etc., not physical) behaviours in order to avoid this "flaw"? Why can't I just experience things as pure experience and take them on that ground alone without forcing all sorts of meaning upon them? Why am I so stubborn and scared to just let go of all of these ideas, fears, and worries that I've consciously and completely established as completely irrational?
Note: some readers may assume the preceding paragraph has to do with my obsessive fear of sex. While that certainly fits in the category of behaviours/preferences described, it is only one of quite a few specific behaviours/preferences that I had in mind while thinking this through.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
One nice thing about travelling places where you have to walk a lot... I lost about 5 lbs on the trip that were stubborn before.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
It's interesting to see how recovery from mormonism goes. You just keep on working on it and think you have it down to just a few issues left. They may be large issues, but at least you have a grasp on what they are.
Then one day you see something or some place that brings back up old feelings. Today, while in Utah for my grandparents' 50th anniversary celebration, I went to BYU campus for the first time since my relatively abrupt transfer out of the school two years ago.
As I walked across the campus, I had so many mixed feelings it was overwhelming. In a way I felt like I was back at school there while being simultaneously aware that my life is completely different from that now. I remembered that in order to maintain my integrity, I really had no choice but to leave and I've enjoyed my time at my new school, but I couldn't help but wonder if it was really necessary that I left it. I even went so far as to philosophize that perhaps God is real there as a cultural construct and that the mass belief in a common system somehow made it actually work as if it were literally and objectively true. It didn't make me want to return to the church or believing in or anything, but it made me wonder if I couldn't have just meshed into the culture and used the culture as a frame of reference to measure truth against rather than objective reality.
In the end, I realized that I did what I had to do and it really couldn't have happened any other way. Despite all of the problems that were there then and now, there were a lot of experiences from my time at BYU that I really enjoyed. Though still poor, I had much more of a social life there and I was able to participate in many more social activities. My feelings on the school will always be mixed I'm sure, but hopefully as my recovery progresses I won't find the feelings so overwhelming.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
While we were at the Forbidden City, one thing the guide told us is that during the Qing dynasty, the emperors were restricted to 2 hours of sexual activity a day in order to concentrate on running the kingdom and not becoming playboys like many of the Ming emperors. Both my mother and my sister's teacher that was with us found this a little bit odd. The impression that I got is that my mother considers sexuality to be a relatively normal part of life and does not feel all of the repression from the mormon church that still lingers with me.
So, last night I had a rather bizarre dream since this revelation was still on my mind. I dreamed that my parents confronted me and said that I am around the age that people start to get married at (hence sex) and that somehow they were aware of my reservations. Next, they asked if I thought I was going to be able to do it (sex) on my own and I told them no. I don't remember what exactly was said next but it was something along the lines of them planning to set up some situation to almost force me to do it to progress in that area of my life by doing it for the first time.
I don't see that dream ever coming true, but still... if in my subconscious mind, even my parents who were agents of sexual repression all throughout my life are not only giving permission, but encouraging me to do it, even trying to directly cause it to happen...
Sunday, June 11, 2006
One hour, full body massage from a semi-blind man for 80 RMB (that's $10 folks) = good.
During the massage, several thoughts ran through my mind. Here are some of the ones I felt were more important:
The body is made of fear to aid it in its survival. You must surrender to the light, which is knowledge. (that is to say, despite your inclinations to react or tense at feelings in the massage, trust the knowledge of the masseuse and relax)
Despite the relaxation of the body, the mind continues to whir. The mind never sleeps even when the body does. Therefore consciousness is a function of the body, not the mind. (as you lose consciousness when the body sleeps but the mind keeps working)
Are consciousness and fear then somehow intrinsically related? (ties together previous two)
When feeling sensations from the massage which are uncomfortable or a random itch, you must not ignore them. What you must do is remain aware of them but erase all impulse to act based on them and simply observe.
Attention. (Thanks Huxley (from Island))
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Note to self: Next time we see a bunch of beautiful roses and want a picture with them, if we wish to have a seated picture in front of them, first judge whether one can physically lower him/herself down to the level of the little ledge to sit on. Doing so prior to attempting to sit down will help you avoid a load of pain and cut up arms and a thorn stabbed back.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
This afternoon I realized that to my mind, all sexuality is a form of masochism. How strange.