Sunday, July 30, 2006
Gosh I hate it how powerful negative expectations are in inhibiting behaviour. Probably two months ago I bought a classic movie and have been deterred from watching it ever since due to its length. Even when the time was available, I avoided watching it because it was so long. I know plenty well that there are a number of long movies which are good. I even enjoyed the several hour long silent film of Napoleon which I saw at BYU International Cinema (I don't know whether I saw the 330 minute UK cut or the 235 minute US cut, but I remember it was very, very long). So, tonight I finally watched the movie in my collection.
It was unbelievably amazing.
P.S. I know I've been rather prolific at posting lately. Sometime mid-next week I'll be leaving the country to go to Guatemala for a few days where I likely won't be able to post, so you'll all have time to catch up. Please do read them all though. When my mind spins this fast, the comments y'all leave help keep me on the ground.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Yay! I figured out why my blog put that huge space between the date and the text of entries in Firefox and I fixed it so now it looks right in the better browser.
I had a horrible dream last night. It wasn't horrible in the sense of a nightmare or fear; in fact, I was able to watch it unfold rather detachedly even though my character in the dream was very visibly upset. It was the content that was horrible.
In it, I was with some unidentified lady, my brother, and some of his friends. We were in a rather dreary place without any greenery. There were a number of small buildings that looked like upside down bowls with doors in them. Erik (my brother) lived in one of them. He and his friends were excitedly preparing for a DJing contest and were confident that they were going to win with their mix. I was very visibly upset and was trying to talk him out of participating in the competition. He tried to get me excited about his impending win and couldn't understand why I was so upset.
The other team then arrived and each team sat around a round table in the upside down bowl house. The other team was a number of the "wrong kind of people." One of them was my sister's boyfriend (luckily in real life she's married so I don't have to worry too much about this coming true) and he was the leader of the group and a real rotten bastard. My sister was sitting at the table with them and cheering their side on.
The competition started getting heated and I drew out my cell phone and attempted to dial 911 to warn about impending danger but I was shaking and couldn't dial the number right, so the lady snatched the phone out of my hand and called 911 for me. She didn't know what was going to happen but could tell that having protection and someone to break up a potential fight was a good idea.
The bad people started taunting my brother and threatening him and my sister was saying things like "you get him." I walked into the bowl house, saw the wooden table they were sitting around, and each of them had a wooden bowl shaped cup in front of them. I picked up my sister's cup and forcibly threw it to the ground and growled at her, "Don't you fucking do this!", and then I stormed out of the house. She had a perplexed look on her face as if she had no idea what I was talking about.
The scene then jumped forward to an image of the upside down bowl house with many areas of it gutted by fire and my brother having been killed by the bad people in a torturous manner. Since the part of the dream that the torture happened in was missing, the only torture I know of was breaking his fingers by bending them backwards. The policeman finally arrived about this moment after it was too late.
The rest of the dream was me thinking about what I was going to do about it. I dreamt about carrying a machete in one hand and a pistol in the other. I dreamt about building a fully plastic compressed air gun that would shoot darts filled with ricin that I could sneak into the courthouse. I dreamt about pulling up in a car next to them on the street and hitting them with a tranquilizer or stun gun and then taking them back to a hidden chamber under the basement of a house and mailing one body part at a time (e.g. piece of finger or toe) to the police while keeping the fucker alive. I was pissed.
Most of my occasional indulgences in paying regular theatre prices are due to a movie playing that I really wanted to see and didn't want to wait for it to arrive at dollar theatres and where I was not satisfied with seeing it from a cam rip downloaded from the internet. The last such movie was Batman Begins. Clerks II I wanted to see, but could have waited for it to reach the dollar theatre if I hadn't been in the mood for an indulgence.
Well, there is a movie out now that I really want to see (due to the director, writer of the novel, philosophical implications of the story, and the subject matter), but I can't find it playing anywhere near here. I've checked Athens and I've checked Peachtree City as well as a number of other nearby cities and nobody has it. When I asked a worker at the theatre here if she knew if and when it was coming, I don't think she had even heard of the movie. Grr!!
Wow, I feel dumb.
Yesterday I spent 14-15 hours coding (first work and then beginning the flashcards system for MedStudentWorld) and so I decided that today as soon as I was finished with work I was getting off of the computer. All of the few activities I know to do (parks, mall, movies, etc.) are not available at night with the exception of the movie theatre and I've already seen all of the movies at the cheap theatre that I care to see and I've already indulged in a movie at the regular theatre (Clerks II) which is a very rare indulgence considering the price to value ratio. So, I went to the bookstore. I like looking at the books and movies and often come home with a few when I go there. I didn't find any movies that particularly appealed to me and that were in an acceptable price range and while I found several books I was interested in, I've now accumulated enough unread books that I've put a moratorium on buying more books until I have a pressing reason to do so or have read more of the books sitting on my shelf. So I glanced through some books and just hung out there by myself for a while. After that I went to Kroger and on my way home at nearly midnight I noticed that there were very few cars out and I got to contemplating why that might be. Some nights like Sunday nights have few people out and so I wondered to myself what day it was. That's when I realized that I'd spent my friday night hanging out alone at a bookstore and felt pretty lame.
In other news, I discovered that one of my annoying new neighbours who comes to my door fairly often wanting to borrow the phone (I've let her just a few times), money (I've turned down), and other random items like rubbing alcohol has also been pestering many of the other neighbours and rumour has it (with some substantiating evidence) that she makes her living as a prostitute. That would I guess explain the strange look on the guy's face who was standing in her doorway earlier today. I also learned that this building is one of only three in the complex which is being used for section 8 housing. Great. Why don't they fucking subsidize my rent too? Now, you who know I don't have a social life may be wondering how I acquired all of this information. The answer is simple. My tomato plants overproduce and most of the tomatoes go bad before I have a chance to use them so I decided to reduce waste and went to the doors of the two neighbours I met during the fire adventure in January and offered them tomatoes. When I knocked on the door of the second, the first was about to check her mail and since they know each other they got to talking. I was drawn in by default. They were able to satiate their curiousity about why I used to have a hose running out my window and what it was hooked up to and I was able to pick up some apartment news/gossip and learn about mites on immunodeficient dogs. After I explained about the hose, the second neighbour said she is willing to water the plants and so I am considering taking her up on the offer and extending it to the animals during the Guatemala trip next week. If I hook up the hose then I will waste A/C which needs to be run if I leave the animals. The trip is short enough that I'd prefer not take the animals with me if I can help it, but long enough that I can't leave them uncared for. The conversation today and her making the offer is what put me at ease enough to consider allowing her in my apartment when I'm not home. The furniture reorganization and decoration to make the place presentable didn't hurt though.
Friday, July 28, 2006
FDR once said "only thing we have to fear is fear itself." He was referring to Great Depression economics (Reference), but we'll ignore that part and take it with its general cultural usage.
One method of treating fear and phobias is to expose a person to the object of their fear and when they see that in spite of the exposure, nothing bad happened, they can begin to decouple the fear and the object in their mind and eventually the fear or phobia is gone or reduced to manageable levels.
In contemplating how to overcome some of my fear-laden inhibitions, I've thought sometimes to myself that if I just exposed myself to whatever it is then I could treat myself that way. Then I realized why this plan has never really been actualized to conquer any of my fears.... I'm afraid of fear itself. I've had enough anxiety and paranoia before to know that there certainly is a physiological correlate to anxiety/fear. Fear causes sweating, increased heart rate, and raised blood pressure amongst other things.
I'm terribly jealous of life and afraid of death (don't worry, I won't try to conquer that one via exposure). Whenever I think about exposing myself to some of my other fears to conquer them, my thoughts fixate on the anxiety and fear that will be generated from this exposure. Approaching exposure of various items has confirmed to me that the anxiety and fear will be present. Each step closer brings me closer to the moment of truth. Either I will reach the peak and see that nothing too bad happened and I will begin recover or my heart rate and blood pressure will soar and every capillary in my body will simultaneously explode. Okay, okay, that's an exaggeration, but my mind still thinks of death as a real possibility.
So, I guess the real question is: is it worth risking (literal) death to (subjectively) truly live?
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
In my never ending question to optimize my apartment to allow me to be as productive and comfortable as possible, I've done some work on it lately. I rearranged some of the furniture items to give myself more room in the main room. I was finding that I was too often bumping into things or running out of walking room and that this was fairly constantly raising my stress levels. The new layout positions the wicker shelf such that the cot can hide behind it when seen from the doorway. That way the room looks less like a bedroom unless you actually come in. I also put a patterned sheet on one wall a large poster on the other wall. (Copy of the poster since the camera takes blurry pictures). The reorganization and decoration definitely give a different ambiance to the room which is a welcome change.
I've also adopted a view of my life as going in expansions and contractions. I honestly can't remember where I first got the idea from though I'm tempted to say Tim Leary. Basically, during periods of expansion, I rapidly take on new items, experiences, and ideas. During periods of contraction, I digest and integrate these new things into my existing world view and state of existence. During contraction, you have to scale back a little bit from the myriad of ventures you are engaged in to have the energy to solidify your base, but then you can reach out again. The general goal is that this way you continue to grow while not accumulating things in disjoint layers that would allow it to fall apart. Integration is key.
Right now I feel like for some reason I'm in a state of great expansion. Besides the things above, I've gotten to the point in the summer that I am starting to be able to get past the day to day tasks and maintenance and dive into storage boxes and such to activate and integrate those items. I've also bought new books which I expect to have help in other areas of my life. I even ordered a soy milk machine after I realized how much money I can save over time by making my own instead of buying it at the store. Not needing to go to the store every time I run out of milk or bread will be quite a boon! (the bread maker was purchased in the last expansion round) It'll also be nice because I'll have more control over the ingredients and can avoid preservatives and other processing. I've gotten or done all sorts of other little things that while not particularly notable on their own, act to reduce my general stress levels around the apartment in general.
I'm worried to see how far I will try to expand, however, because I need to be able to contract and digest all of this new influx before school gets back into session. Assuming I am able to finish school after this next semester, another great expansion may well take place. I already feel as if I'm on a rocket ship preparing to launch. I need to get everything packed down tight or else it is going to be a hell of a stress hangover trying to put everything into place in time.
Usually when I think about meeting God in an afterlife, my thoughts run along the lines of London After Midnight's song A Letter to God.
I had a dream the other night though which made me think otherwise. I didn't meet God in the dream, but I got what you might call a feeling memory of it. It's strange... I've had a few of those recently.
It's like your brain knows what experiences you've never had feel like. You can't relive the experience and you can't put it into words, but at some level you feel it just enough to be able to recognize it. In fact, one of the "memories" like that that I've had recently is of sex believe it or not. Somehow my brain knows what it feels like even though I've never done it. It knows enough that I know that no autoerotic method that I've used thus far accurately approaches the feeling. I can't describe what it feels like, but the moment I actually do it in real life, my brain will be like see, I told you so.
But back to the original topic. In my dream, I had a similar "memory" experience of meeting God. It wasn't the christian god, but more of a ultimate reality sort of God. It's a sort of feeling where the phrase "God is Love" makes perfect sense. In fact, you find that you can't hate or even feel ill will toward it at all. Despite my knowledge that opposites are necessary, there is still the undeniable yet not truly experienced idea that it is possible to be in a state of universal bliss. In this case, the "God" is completely impersonal and not a confined, sentient being, but is everything. The laws of nature, nature itself, etc., but it isn't coldly detached and abstracted like in science. It also isn't just a shallow meaningless happy state. There is a deep and pervasive warmth to it. It's bizarre. I don't know if I'll ever actually have a real experience for my brain to match with this "memory," but it's still interesting.
NOTE: Despite what any readers may assume, there were no drugs involved in the experiences described above and there will be no private notes to anyone indicating otherwise. I wonder, but do not know, how much closer, if any, psychedelics may bring one to these "memories".
Sunday, July 23, 2006
If all normal medical problems were made not an issue and basic needs were met, I wonder how long most people would survive if they were the only person left on earth.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
R.I.P. Syd Barrett
Shine On You Crazy Diamond
Sunday, July 09, 2006
So, in my efforts to spice up the summer and experience the area while I still can, I've been busy lately.
Last weekend, I woke up with no plans. An hour or so later I decided to go to Helen which is a Bavarian themed town in north Georgia. My first, and only planned activity was to go tubing on the Chattahoochee river. It's rather shallow in that area so it is a nice, peaceful drift for several hours down the river with occasional small rapids and occasionally spots so shallow that you get stuck and have to drag the tube a few feet to get back to an area where it will move again. After I got done there, I went in search of parking to walk around the downtown area. The area is so beautiful with all of the plants and the hills. At one point, I walked down a hill by a bridge and just laid on the grass and read a chapter of the Gita. The Bavarian theme of the town doesn't quite pull off feeling natural, but it's not bad. Walking around the town is like walking around an amusement park but with no pressure, lines, or rides. I stopped at a restaurant to have a German dinner and a beer (okay, okay, half a beer -- I haven't acquired enough taste for it to down a full one that big). One thing I noticed at many of the restaurants that I wish was more common was live performers. They were all just people with acoustic guitars playing covers of old classic rock and folk songs, but it added so much to the ambiance of the place. I made sure to donate a little cash to the performer at the restaurant that I ate at.
I don't know if it is just me, or if this is a general human thing, but I feel like there is some checklist of experiences that I need to have in my life at some point or another. Some are big things and some are seemingly insignificant, but each contributes to a more rounded and experienced person. So, one of those little, but nagging items on that list for me was to dye my hair. Most of my family members including my brother have done it at some point or another and several of my friends have as well. Being fiercely jealous of my hair, I've always avoided dying it due to the damage that dyes cause to hair. So, in order to check the item off of my list without risking irrecoverable damage, I opted to try one of the semi-permanent dyes that is supposed to last through 28 shampoos. I figured that this would be less damaging but would last longer than the powdered 1 day type "dyes" and so would be more real and let me experience the world with this slightly different tint. I didn't want anything majorly different, but have been curious for a long time to see what my hair would look like if it were darker. I ended up picking a colour called Clove . The result did make my hair darker though to be honest, I didn't take a good enough look beforehand to see just how much darker it made it. I guess I'll know in about a month. Unfortunately I don't have access to a camera that takes good enough pictures to make it worth showing off. If I come across one, I'll post a picture.
Yesterday, I decided to go do another item on my life checklist that I'd never done. I went to a shooting range. I specifically wanted to shoot a pistol since it's on my eventual checklist to own a pistol so I figured I might as well get a feel for them. Not knowing what I was doing, I specifically requested a beginner's pistol for someone who had never shot a pistol before. When I later told my brother what they gave me, he laughed and called it a peashooter. I'm not sure the exact name of the type, but it was a Ruger .22. I made a whole host of mistakes such as initially pulling the target pulley down by hand instead of using the electrical panel and I had to repeatedly get help with the gun for the first little while as first I couldn't figure out how to get the bullets into the clip and then I had trouble with the various ways it jammed up. I went through 150 rounds (minus a few for jams) and then decided to call it quits for the day. Next time I go (which I certainly will), I'm not sure if I will try a bigger pistol or if I will try something fun like the AK-47.
Today I had several ideas to try and threw them all out in favour of exploring. I decided to just pick a road in Athens and go down it. I found some pretty neighbourhoods and through a series of random turns I happened to come across a park, so of course I stopped. At first I was impressed because it is in a more hilly area of town, and then I was impressed because they had a nice sidewalk going around a small lake (I'd been hoping to find some easy place to go walking laps). The lake had geese and ducks in it and hanging over one end was a weeping willow tree. As I walked around the path, I came across a fascinating tree. I have no idea what kind of tree it is, but I liked it because the leaves were like ferns and it had a lot of wispy pink flowers on it. I'll try to identify it and post back if I find out what it is. So, already impressed with the park enough to go back another time, I kept walking. I found a paved path that went into the woods and so I followed it. I saw a sign about animals and figured it was some kind of nature trail. Well, to my great surprise, I found myself in a small zoo. I always joke about Athens having everything, but all the time I find that I'm exaggerating less than I thought. According to the brochure, all of the animals are native to Georgia and can't be released to the wild for whatever reason (injury, etc.) and so they have a home here. They had owls and eagles, deer and otters, even a bear and an alligator. It was fun.
And now, the last pending item on my list. I discovered a few days ago that my cactus had a baby. Okay, okay, it's probably just growing a branch, but I call it a baby. I went out to water the plants and found the little cactus had broken through the skin of the big cactus near the base and was growing. After getting back from the China trip, it was easy to tell that the cactus itself is growing too. It has probably put on around an inch, perhaps slightly more, of growth since I've had it now.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
I'm irritated at the 4th of July and the social masochism in me that it is making painfully apparent.