Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Last night I dreamed that Ozzfest had been yesterday. I had gone to see the first few bands and then had to leave to go to class and was planning to go back when class was over to see the rest. However, somehow I managed to not only completely forget to go back but also to forget that I'd even ever been there. The next day (the hypothetical today) I ran into Andrew who had been there the whole time and he was saying how great Tool (probably my favourite band) had been and at this point I remembered that the concert had been the previous day and that I'd been there for the first few bands but it took me some time to figure out why I didn't remember much of it especially the bigger bands. Then I realized that I had simply forgotten to go back and I was mad.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
If I were ever to move to the country rather than a city, I can tell you right now one of the major reasons I would do it. Out away from major city lights, the night sky is bloody amazing. In Athens at night I see maybe 5-10 stars on any given night. When I'm down here at my dad's, the night sky is fabulously littered with stars. Tonight was a clear night and you could even see the milky way cutting across the sky. I looked at all of the clusters of stars and saw a shooting star. Most people in modern city society really can't understand why the ancients found the night sky divine, but it really is. Imagine if you could see it in an even more remote location without even the relatively distant neighbour's lights on. If there was a nationwide power outage on a night when people were out, I wonder how many people would awaken spiritually by the sudden appearance of divine manifestation in the form of the pure night sky.
So, the day before thanksgiving came and my dad still hadn't called to invite me so I felt it was pretty safe to assume that he had either forgotten in the midst of business or that his plans had changed. I decided that at that point I had 3 options. I could go with Matt in Atlanta or Kenneth in Charlotte, I could figure something out myself, or I could call my dad myself. I eliminated the first option because I didn't want to impose, I didn't want a pity invite, and I wasn't really in the mood to drive just for that. I didn't want to call my dad myself because even though I went there for the past two years (being specifically invited both times), I didn't feel like that gave me a right to feel entitled to an unspoken invite. So, I decided to make my own thanksgiving. I went shopping to get the necessary supplies and made 2 pumpkin pies the night before. Then, thanksgiving morning, I woke up and prepared my turkey and put it in the oven (yes, I bought a whole 5.8lb turkey just for me) and then prepared the rest of the food. I had turkey, mashed potatoes (from real potatoes, not instant), gravy from a packet, canned corn, green beans, yams, and cranberry sauce, and stuffing from a box mix. I was rather proud of my plate when I sat down to eat and it looked like a real thanksgiving plate.
When my mom heard what I was doing, she was mad at me for not assuming the unspoken invite and then tried to convince me to fly to Minneapolis. I really didn't feel like dealing with the hassle of standby flight and the possibility of not getting back in time since I can't afford to miss a day of school.
Then, at about 2PM, my dad called and asked me what I was doing for thanksgiving. I replied "eating it". The conversation then led to my explaining that I made my own since I hadn't heard anything. At that point, he established the unofficial invite policy so now that it is given I am open to using that option in the future. He mentioned that he doesn't know how long my break is but that I was still welcome to come down, but I don't think he really thought I would.
So, I finished watching the movie I was watching, began packing, and by 4PM I was on the road. At 6PM I called his phone and asked what the plan for the night was. He wasn't sure what I was talking about so I specified that I meant at his house. He assumed I was inquiring in order to decide whether to come and was surprised to hear that I was already 2 hours down the road. I made good time and made it to Cochran about 45 minutes later (it's supposed to be a 4 hour drive). He then gave me directions to Eastman where he and his wife were working on redoing tiling at the old house they are trying to sell. If only they'd been at home! As I left Cochran, the town seemed to drop off pretty quickly so I sped up thinking I was back on open road and I didn't make it too far before flashing lights appeared and I stopped. Turns out the speed limit was still 35mph so my going 61mph was a wee bit over. He marked it down to 59mph (I guess >= 25 over is something worse) but gave me a ticket so that extra leg of the journey will be expensive both in citation fees and in whatever extra money my insurance company will happily demand from me.
So, today I spent some of the day playing with some of my dad's wife's kids and then I spent most of the day working on my Sanskrit project. My little half-sister Brianna was pretty much terrified of me at first and always shied away. However, thanks to my psych classes and my nature, by the end of the day I was on good terms with her and she was smiling and babbling away with me. Apparently that's good time and with some people she simply never warms up no matter how many days you give her. Being attentive and responsive but not overstimulating or pushing her when she's had too much is the key.
So, if I keep being able to make progress on the Sanskrit project, I'll probably be here most of the break. I may swing by Peachtree City on the way back for a day and/or a night if there is any demand for it.
Oh, and this is totally off-topic, but I've discovered something problematic with my finances. Most of the expenses that school puts on my debt are in the form of loans. Most of the credit card debt and its increase is not from school, but simply from daily living expenses. I simply don't make enough to cover all of the bills. My mom is trying to talk me into taking a trip around christmas/new years time to try to use more flight benefits before they run out, especially in case Continental does want proof again before next fall. She argues that it is worth going into more debt for since I won't get the opportunity again. Normally I would agree (e.g. Amsterdam), however this is where my problem comes in. At the current rate of debt increase, if I go on that trip, I won't be able to afford to move. As it is I'm worried about whether I will or not since this revelation about the source of the debt means that even after school is out, my debt will continue to increase until I get either a second job, more hours on the current job, or a new and higher paying job. If I want to move at the end of February or soon thereafter then I won't really be able to get a second job for that short of a period of time. If I do get a second job, it will require staying here quite a bit longer both because I'd want to put in reasonable time to not cause the employer to hate me and because with that extra time taken up I wouldn't get that last bit of time I had hoped to invest into really putting a last shove heavy experience time into Athens and so that would have to stretch out more too. So, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do since even if I were to trim back my expenses to a minimum, it would not slow down the debt growth substantially enough to make it worth the extra effort to maintain and the losses sustained to save the money.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Well, results are in. I passed the tests. Too bad taking one piece out of a heap of stress still leaves a heap.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Just for the record, I feel better now, but I'm leaving up that previous post both for historical reasons, because I do feel that way sometimes especially with as much pressure and uncertainty as I have going on right now, and also because it does say things that are hard to say otherwise.
Gosh, it's annoying the toll stress can take on you leading to fatigue, lack of motivation, and despair. I feel like this is how it would go if it was a movie trying to make a point. Don't worry, I have no intention of acting this out or anything remotely similar to it, but I feel like this sort of hypothetical narrative explains better how I feel right now.
Family and friends would be gathered at the graduation ceremony. The graduate would have spent many long years to finish college and everyone would be proud of the great accomplishment it is. The graduate would feel completely empty inside about it and wonder about the worth of anything being celebrated that day. It would be a day that is supposed to be perfect and should give the graduate pride and fulfillment but all of the hubbub would only serve to amplify the disparity between how he should feel and how he does feel. At the climax of the ceremony when all attention is on him, he would take whatever document was given to him, look at it, drop in on the floor laughing a sad laugh at how fucking pointless everything is and how worthless this whole thing is and how equally worthless any alternative would have been and then he would look out and see the growing distress at everyone in the crowd watching him. He'd laugh at their distress more to hurt himself than to hurt them. He'd know it would hurt them too but nothing would stop the events unfolding. With a click and a bang he'd find out if there is an afterlife. There would be wailing and commotion and grief and love and distress and myriad other human emotions. Nobody would understand why it happened. Nobody would know what he felt. Nobody would really ever know his dreams, his secrets, his feelings, the significance of things in his life to him, etc. They would look at the events and wonder how at a moment that is supposed to be so joyous and sets him on the brink of starting off his life with greatness he could feel he needed to do such a thing. They'd see the things he had done and scraps of evidence of the things he wanted to do and see how much more he had than so many other people and wonder how such a passion for experiences could lead to this. Nobody would really ever understand, not even he himself, and he would be lost forever.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Well, the die is now cast. While the rest of the semester will not be easy, I see no reason to believe I should fail any class. So whether I graduate or not depends almost wholly on the results of the tests which I literally just finished taking. I should get results by Tuesday morning. If I pass both tests, I'm good to go. If I don't, shit. Since the tests are now taken and turned in, nothing I do now, unless I go crazy and blow off all of my classes or die or something extreme, will affect whether I graduate or not. I'm not sure if I'm not more stressed about my powerlessness in the matter or whether I was more stressed right before the test...
Monday, November 13, 2006
While I try not to make posts which are not mostly of my authorship, this post will be such a one. In a previous post, I included an excerpt of a poem that is in the book I am reading. I came across the rest of the poem in the back of the book and given its relevance to my situation, I'd like to share the whole thing.
Stages
By Hermann Hesse, from The Glass Bead Game
As every flower fades and as all youth
Departs, so life at every stage,
So every virtue, so our grasp of truth,
Blooms in its day and may not last forever.
Since life may summon us at every age
Be ready, heart, for parting, new endeavor,
Be ready bravely and without remorse
To find new light that old ties cannot give.
In all beginnings dwells a magic force
For guarding us and helping us to live.
Serenely let us move to distant places
And let no sentiments of home detain us.
The Cosmic Spirit seeks not to restrain us
But lifts us stage by stage to wider spaces.
If we accept a home of our own making,
Familiar habit makes for indolence.
We must prepare for parting and leave-taking
Or else remain the slaves of permanence.
Even the hour of our death may send
Us speeding on to fresh and newer spaces,
And life may summon us to newer races.
So be it, heart: bid farewell without end.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Though I claim not to be a fatalist, I find very often that I find "inspirational" cues in my environment in the form of odd synchronicities and finding bits of advice strewn in books I read, lectures I attend, etc. I think that this is not a God or supernatural directing force, but instead, my subconscious and unfiltered mind making its thoughts and desires manifest through my actions and choice of exposure to stimuli. This analysis of motive by observing behaviour is certainly not without flaw and one must be aware of cognitive processes which cause one to inhibit feelings or act contrary to one's desires for social purposes. I don't know how exactly to describe which observations are insightful and which are potentially misleading, but I think often you can tell the difference. So, what made me even think about this you may ask. Well, I was reading along in the same book I've been reading for weeks and I was startled when I came across a passage where the character quotes from one of his poems and says:
Serenely let us move to distant placesAlso, I've been thinking more about the graduate school idea and have come to two realizations. One, if I were to do so in the near future or even after a year or two break, I wouldn't finish until I was close to 30. This stuns me because while I realize that 30 is not old, to me the 20's are the youthful period where you are supposed to get out and experience the world while you can and the idea of wasting all of that time in school is fairly abhorrent to me. So that leads to the second thought which came upon me today. Here are the stages I predict for my life for now:
And let no sentiments of home detain us.
The Cosmic Spirit seeks not to restrain us
But lifts us stage by stage to wider spaces.
- Once I finish school I will still be in Athens for a period that I will refer to as detox. It isn't that school itself is toxic, however. It's more analagous to exercise or metabolism. In the process of school and the benefits it provides, certain toxic byproducts accumulate and manifest in phenomena such as anxiety and stress. So, I will stay in Athens until I feel detoxed. That may happen fairly quickly and so I may leave when the lease expires or it may take longer. I would prefer not to move during the summer due to increased gas prices so if I take too long I may postpone the move until fall or winter.
- The next phase is the launch of my life. At that point I will almost assuredly move somewhere. I will concentrate on things like spending time with my animals while I have them and on the stationary explorations. I'll take the time to read books, watch movies, grow plants, and do my various other projects that take up space and materials. In addition I will, at a leisurely pace, take care of preparatory steps to facilitate the next step. For example, I may enroll in a 6-12 month part time course to get certified in teaching english as a second language. I'll also use this as a time to financially detox from the effects of school. Hopefully by the end of this period, school debts will be all but taken care of.
- The next step happens when all of the animals have died natural deaths. I will not get rid of them in any other way. In addition, projects being worked on will have to come to a natural conclusion. (e.g. if it is in the middle of the summer, I wait until winter when the plants die) Then, free of financial burdens and responsibility over other living creatures, I will put the stationary explorations on the backburner and begin the period of outward exploration. During this period I can do adventurous things like spending a summer in Alaska or working a cruise ship or backpacking or living in Europe.
- If the previous stage ends and I feel compelled to settle down into a place then I may consider graduate school at that point. Being tied down for some time would obviously not be a major issue at that point and as long as I had enough money to live comfortably enough I'd be okay. I'd also be fully detoxed of school and so it wouldn't bother me in that way. Now, I realized that I apparently have a feminine cultural value when it comes to my feelings on employment. To me a job is something that provides the money to live and is absolutely not the primary focus of my life. So the idea that I wasn't building my career would not bother me at all and I'd probably feel like I was progressing more personally in school than in a job which would likely feel stagnating by doing the same thing all the time. If however, I found a job that was stimulating enough, I could easily skip the further schooling as well. I only mention it here to say that if it happens then this stage is where it is most likely to happen. So, come retirement I'm probably screwed, but I refuse to slave away and waste the prime of my life.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
In case you, like I this morning, do not realize it, if you run quickly backwards 6-7 feet while turning your head back to look upwards at the shuttle attempting to go way over your head and then you jump and shift your upper body weight backwards by swinging your arm to hit the shuttle with the raquet, you should not expect to land on your feet. A little extra weight padding on your rump like I have is not to your disadvantage in this case. When I landed, the teacher and my coplayers asked me if I was okay and the first thing out of my mouth was "did it make it?" meaning did the shuttle that I just embarrassed the hell out of myself to hit make it over the net. It didn't. At least the only things wounded were my pride and a small bruise on my elbow.
Monday, November 06, 2006
I. I've noticed that a significant number of the people I know are ending up in rather stagnant lives. They seem to be perfectly satisfied to stay close to where they grew up, work dead end jobs, and their only other activity is hanging out with people. Pure contact and amusement often with intoxicants and little substance. While I don't think there is anything inherently wrong in this lifestyle as long as one is not leeching off of others to sustain it, I don't ever want to get stuck in that sort of life myself. I'm always reading, trying to learn and experience new things, and doing my various projects. Many of these stagnant people have not completed post-secondary education and many have not even started any and so I hope that my having a college education will help me somewhat. I wonder though, is it such a large portion of society that dead ends like this or are there just a lot of them in the circles I run in?
II. It's almost sick how easily influenced my moving decision is. I was fairly committed to either staying in Athens or leaving Georgia until I visited Jeremy and that caused me to reevaluate the possibility of moving to Atlanta instead. I got a message on my voicemail the other day from my mom and she said something along the lines of "since it looks like you'll be staying in Georgia for a while" and I experienced a minor panic. The main reason that I worry about moving to Atlanta is that my first post-college move will, I feel, set a precedent for many of the decisions in my life. While Atlanta would provide an easier transition and would provide benefits that any other location would not, I worry that I'll get stuck in Georgia and/or only taking small steps. Moving somewhere further away would set a more adventurous precedent and would give me more confidence to make bigger changes later. Also, I think I've finally started to reach that ~2 year point where you start to really feel comfortable in a place. Would it be best to spend a few months of rest and enjoy the town that I've come to love before I consider leaving or should I just cut ties as soon as the opportunity presents itself?
III. I've got some concerns about moving that I'm hoping that my readers can address as well since I know I have at least two who have moved a bit including at least one who has moved internationally. First, when I moved to Athens, before I could get an apartment, I had to give job/wage information. So, in order to get housing somewhere I have to have a job in that place. How do I get a job in a place that is far enough away that making several trips for interviews is not practical? This will be a relatively small but present issue even if I move to Atlanta and it will be a major issue if in a few years I'm able to fulfill my dream of living internationally. Second, I want to be able to move around a bit, including internationally, on my own. I don't want to find a job and stick with it and let them transfer me around. I want to be able to decide when and where I want to move without any limitations. Given this I'll need to find some line of work in which I can find employment just about anywhere, but I don't want to just work low-wage unskilled labour either. While I have some computer skills, I would prefer something less hard science and something "warmer" as a job if possible. Any suggestions?
IV. I've been thinking a lot about one of Curt's principles of escaping the mormon mindset: realize that you aren't special. I think I've been taking that to mean to not think that you are set apart from everyone else in some kind of positive way and it has been helpful even in that narrow interpretation. I'm realizing now that it has a wider meaning from that and the attempted application of the wider interpretation has been yielding, I feel, results. Quite simply, what was missing is that I'm not substantially worse than other people either. In talking to Kenneth, he asserted that other guys don't have more to offer than we do and that our lack of romantic success is more due to confidence and lack of effort. In my social psych class we've been talking about ideas like pluralistic ignorance. I've expended great amounts of mental effort trying to figure out where I "missed the bus" on various developmental issues or how others seem to have a greater level of competence at various social tasks. While it is true that people vary in social skill, I don't think that's where my deficit really lies in actuality. I think my mindset that I missed the bus is what has held me back. When I am able to even think a little bit that hey, I didn't miss the bus and I try to observe and interact with that perspective and realize that I don't really come across as uncultured or awkward when I freely interact, I can see a glimpse into that self-delusion. So, I think that related to the "realize you aren't special" rule, we can add, to use mormon terminology, "realize you aren't unworthy." Living in the mormon world where everyone puts up the perfection façade can make you feel like shit because you see all of your problems and failings but you don't see that in others because they are so skilled at hiding it. See enough of this and you end up with belief perseverance even after moving to an environment (e.g. UGA) where the evidence no longer supports the belief. It is only through repeated exposure to the evidence along with an open mind that these beliefs can be challenged. I think of myself as an open minded person, but we are all closed minded in some ways and it is naturally embarrassing when you reach the realization that your being closed minded about certain issues is exactly what has been holding you back from progress. At least I see it now!
V. This sentiment is likely to be very unpopular, however, I feel like I should be clear on my stance. As most of you know by now, Saddam Hussein has been sentenced to death by hanging pending appeal. While I readily concede that he's done many despicable things, I don't think he should be hanged. For one thing, I oppose capital punishment in general and for another, I still believe that the entire invasion of Iraq was not only unethical, but illegal as well. In addition to that, I think that Saddam did some good things as well. He promoted cultural pride, modernized the country, gave women additional rights, and ran a secular state not based on Islamic law. In addition, as we are now seeing, Iraq had a tumultuous past with many very sectarian groups. While we cannot support his methods of trying to keep the peace, we must admit the great struggle it would have been to govern such a country. I think Saddam's ascent parallels a lot of other leaders such as Castro. They did a lot of good things to help the people but at some point power corrupted. I hate it how Americans demonize Saddam and how they can't understand why some people in Iraq actually support Saddam. Though I do not condone many of his actions and in fact decry many of them, if he is led to the noose as the bloodthirsty seem to be pushing him toward, I will personally mourn that day.