Tuesday, September 25, 2007
I've failed.
Or at least I can find no other valid conclusion.
I had so many grandiose ideas of what I was going to do to set the stage for the rest of my life. I was going to move away to a place I'd never been where I didn't know anybody and I was going to forge a life there and solidify my strength of character knowing that I could do something like that.
I didn't want to stay in Georgia because that would be too "easy." I already knew people there. I already knew the area there. I had resources there. If I took that path then I'd never know what I'm capable of doing really.
I explored options in various other states and even flew to Connecticut for one interview and to scope it out.
As time progressed, my finances got worse and I had to move to my mom's house. In doing so I had to give up a lot of control over my life and most who know me know that my sense of fulfilment and accomplishment and even my happiness to a large extent is directly tied to my feeling of having control over my life.
I thought hey, it's just for a short time and I'll get to live in and explore a new state. I can deal with this for now knowing that it is a leaping point to my grand adventure. The months dragged by and I saw some but not as much as I wanted.
I went on my big trip to Europe which was good but by definition not lasting. I come home to discover that the shit my job was causing was still going on and I couldn't live on that anymore so I took a strong stand and I quit it on principle.
A week later my mom announces that she's decided spur of the moment that we are going to move to Arizona. I spend a little time in vain trying to find a stopgap job in Texas. When it was clear that wasn't going to work out and that the longer I spent trying the less likely it would work out, I moved my search to Arizona.
I found a psychology job that would have been perfect and the people seemed happy with me.... until I called a few days later and found out someone else had been given the position. More recently I found a computer job that would have paid enough to liberate me from my debts in less than 2 years. The bastards led me along and made it sound promising and now haven't returned my calls for about 4 days and missed the date they were supposed to let me know something on. I'm running out of options here.
And on top of that, I'm going to be stuck in the middle of a mormon-infested desert with family and extended family in the area. I wanted a beautiful, adventure filled life where I could carve out my own niche and my own self and be fulfilled and I get this shit?
In a couple of months I will be out of money and I've been spending bare minimums on my bills and other life items. Now I find that I may have to crawl back to the BYU job just to get by day to day. Fucking sell-out.
So I have to give up on my dreams of adventure, I have to back down on my moral stand, and I'll still only barely get by if I'm lucky. What is the fucking point if this is all there is?
Alcohol and most drugs just numb so that isn't a solution. If I'd just be numb, I wouldn't really be living anyway so what's the fucking point?
Can anyone tell me how one lives?