Friday, April 18, 2008
This morning my step-father admitted to me that my mom has told him that she feels like she failed with me and the next two oldest siblings and that she is overindulging my two youngest sisters in an attempt to compensate.
I feel like evolution created us to fuck. It, however, built in a self-destruct mechanism so that when your usefulness for fucking is over, you get out of the way for the next round of fuckers. Now why post-menopausal women don't trigger this.... who knows, maybe it is some of the extra shit on the second X chromosome that men don't have. So, given that the way I was raised totally messed up any chances of me ever having sex, I feel like my mind has been trying to trip the self-destruct mechanism but that luckily I still have enough of the survival drive left to prevent it from acting, but that every day I have to deal with these opposing forces in a much more conscious way than I ought to have to.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Background: I've repeatedly threatened to give up on the idea of romantic relationships if my latest interest doesn't work out.
(20:09:27) Me: Matt thinks I shouldn't give up overall if this doesn't work out
(20:10:06) Kenneth: Of course you shouldn't, and you won't even if you claim you are
(20:10:18) Me: I would if I could
(20:10:26) Me: god damn hormones and shit won't let me no matter how I try
(20:10:45) Kenneth: Exactly human nature won't let you
(20:10:49) Me: which bites
(20:11:02) Me: human nature is made to make people suffer
(20:11:03) Kenneth: Haha
(20:11:33) Me: so we're like masochistic by default
(20:11:35) Kenneth: Its also made to give us pleasure
(20:11:36) Me: which is kind of fucked up
(20:11:48) Me: well it ain't givin' me pleasure
(20:11:50) Kenneth: Haha
(20:12:02) Me: so it needs to knock it the fuck off
(20:12:03) Kenneth: No so far it hasnt
(20:12:28) Kenneth: It wont
(20:12:51) Me: only one way I know to make it quit and that kind of has unpleasant side effects that I wouldn't want
(20:13:06) Kenneth: What
(20:13:11) Me: Suicide
(20:13:25) Me: but it has that nasty death side effect that goes with it, so it won't do
(20:13:37) Kenneth: I figured that was it
(20:13:49) Kenneth: Yeah, death be worse
(20:14:13) Me: hell, I'll bet that even if I chopped my dick and balls off and became a eunuch I'd still have the natural drives
(20:14:32) Kenneth: Probably to an extent
(20:14:49) Me: if for no other reason than the natural human drives for companionship and emotional intimacy and shit
(20:14:55) Me: so no matter what I'm fucked
(20:15:00) Kenneth: Not as strong though, but then you'd be a freak who has a hard time pissing
(20:16:31) Me: see, this is evidence that either there is no god or else he's a sadistic asshole
(20:16:51) Kenneth: Lol
(20:17:17) Me: 'cause a nice god wouldn't give people drives that they can't get rid of that will just make them suffer their whole lives
(20:17:54) Me: but evolution would because evolution could give a shit if you are happy or not as long as you pass on your genes
(20:17:57) Kenneth: Ah, never know what future holds
(20:18:17) Me: so by not passing on my genes I'm saying "Fuck you evolution!"
(20:18:52) Me: See, evolution gives me the pain so I kill evolution by not allowing it to continue through me!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
You know, I wish I knew where I went wrong.... I thought I did everything right.... I got good grades in high school, I went to college, got a degree. I had an apartment and have a car.
And yet....
I'm 4 months short of being 25, live in my mom's house, have a ton of debt, work in a job next to someone who doesn't even have a GED, perform absolutely mediocre at work despite my best efforts, and I've never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
I'm a chicken and someone should smack me or drop an anvil on my head or something.