A halo opposite the sun

2008-08-13T00:03:00.002-04:00

Tonight my mom asked me if I have a tattoo on my hand. She noted that my cousin told her that I did. Now, some of you may be thinking "awesome!" while others may be thinking "oh god, why did you do that?". Sorry, but I must disappoint both of you. What my 8 year old cousin thought was a tattoo was actually a stamp of the variety that you get when you go to various events such as nightclubs.

In this case, however, the stamp did not come from a night club. In my ongoing attempts to seed a social life for myself, I finally got around to going to one activity that is supposedly a bastion of weirdness. I went to a theatre showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show. I love the movie and was sure that the ritual associated with viewing it in a theatre that has a cult following would lead me to meet people and feel at home. It was not to be so.

First of all, I was led to believe that people would be dressed in all sorts of outrageous ways breaking all kinds of norms. So, deciding to test the waters without being too extreme, I went in a knee length skirt and a dark blue blouse. I arrived to discover that other than the cast members' costumes, the "weirdest" clothing anyone had on was some "goth" kids and even theirs wasn't any more extreme than baggy black jeans, wallet chains, and rock band black t-shirts. I did not get any negative comments or even noticeable glances. This would seem to hint at the famous tolerance (the acting troupe was even called "Come As You Are"), it came across more as apathy. I had expected a celebration of diversity rather than an apathy.

Now I can't really comment on the crowd too much since, as seems to be my custom, the only person I actually ended up saying a word to the entire time I was there was the guy I bought the ticket from. I did, however, notice that rather than finding a nest of freaks (note I'm using that term in a positive sense), a lot of the people just seemed like they were there just to be able to be sex-obsessed in public.

I had read that the whole ritual involves watching the movie on a big screen with a performance by live actors accompanying it with a set of callbacks and props used by the audience. I think I almost expected a sort of weird mass. I did enjoy the troupe's live performance and for the most part the actors fit their roles. The actor playing Frank-N-Furter didn't quite look right to me, but I can only imagine that it would be very difficult to fill that role. The actor playing Rocky was, instead of the movie's blonde-haired muscle man, a rather skinny guy with long brown dreadlocks. In this case, however, I actually enjoyed the disconnect and thought it was a neat different take on it. The callbacks, however, were, for the most part, rather inane. I had expected synchronized callbacks that would create a sort of group consciousness, but instead most of them were shouted out by only a few people and were improvised. When I had heard to expect offensive remarks and behaviours, I thought that they would be things that would provoke people's sensitivities in such a way as to make them expand their minds and reconsider irrational hangups. Instead, the "offensive" callbacks were limited to jokes about different forms of sex, the death of Bernie Mac, and actions of the characters.

So, while I did appreciate the reenactment put on by the actors and I am glad that I got to experience the ritual, it'd didn't come across as at all thought provoking or a place for me to build any kind of social circle. Oh well, back to the search. I think I take life too seriously....

2008-08-12T23:26:00.002-04:00

Here is another tidbit I jotted down in note form at work a couple of weeks ago...

After hearing about yet another in a series of sexual exploits of my coworkers, I got to wondering what it is that makes them so comfortable with sex and me completely paralyzed by even the thought of it and I came up with yet another theory.

Growing up in the mormon church, sex was taught about in a very negative way. I, like many mormon youth, read Spencer Kimball's Miracle of Forgiveness. A few of its sex-negative passages and lessons in church that taught similar things seemed to engrave themselves upon my then tender mind and have since pathologized further. One passage stated that a parent would rather that their child die than lose their chastity prior to marriage. Thus, I was forced to conclude that death is more desirable than sex prior to marriage.

The problem with that, however, is that in mormonism, premarital sex and its ilk are considered the worst possible sins short of denying true knowledge of god and murder of innocents. I never really bought the idea that a simple little ceremony can suddenly change a hugely grievous sin into something that is not only okay but suddenly encouraged. Thus, I was forced to conclude that sex after marriage is not really any different than sex prior to marriage and was thus just as sinful. Therefore, death is more desirable than sex in any form.

The only "sex" talk I ever received from my parents was one time when my dad gave me a little "dating" talk that basically condensed down to this: physical intimacy is a slippery slope towards sex. In church lessons, there was plenty of talk about all of the various parts of the opposite sex that you couldn't touch because of that slippery slope. On top of that were the stories about kids who "accidentally" ended up having sex because of physical intimacy and ended up killing themselves because of the shame. Then I had the example of the bishop giving lectures to my friend Jeremy about how evil tongue kissing was because it would lead to sex. Thus, I had to conclude that any physical intimacy was an inevitable treadmill pulling you toward sex. Since death is preferable to sex, I had to conclude that physical intimacy would be worse than slow suicide behaviours like smoking or risk-taking lifestyles.

Now, because of the way we are built, physical intimacy is very difficult to separate from emotional intimacy. Physical touch and proximity release oxytocin and other neurotransmitters and hormones that cause people to bond. Physical intimacy is also often used as a method of expressing emotional intimacy. Because they are so closely linked, that meant that emotional intimacy is also taboo too.

Now, the fact that I can lay all of this out as a theory means that if it is true, I am fully aware of it and can analyze it rationally. On a rational basis, I know that it is a silly belief and I have long since disavowed mormonism as a religion. I can only conclude then that it was etched into my subconscious during my developing years. So, how am I supposed to feel when my natural thoughts and desire for intimacy trigger reflexive death wishes?

2008-08-12T23:18:00.003-04:00

I wrote an email yesterday to my manager telling her that I did not want to participate in the competition this week at work. I explained that segregating the teams by gender (guys vs. girls) made me uncomfortable and that the colours used on the board for our names (blue: guys, pink: girls) and trivia questions being asked supported and perpetuated gender stereotypes. In a meeting I had with her today she said that it was okay if I didn't want to participate in the competition and gave an example of someone on her previous team who hadn't wanted to participate in one because it was too distracting, but that she thought my email came across as hostile.

Historically in my life, any time I have tried to dissent from group actions/opinions or the direction of leaders, I've been required to fully justify my position and then vigorously defend it. So, in the meeting where she told me it was okay, it just stunned me. The fact that someone would actually respect my decision without question felt like a completely foreign experience to me. It never even crossed my mind while writing the message that it could come across as hostile. In fact, after I sent the message, the primary thought on my mind was fear that I had not sufficiently justified my position and that I would be required to further defend my position.

I wonder how many other behaviours I have like this created through dysfunctional family relationships and religious indoctrination of my childhood that continue to cause me problems unbeknownst to me now.

2008-07-28T20:59:00.003-04:00

It's funny how what you think about prior to going to sleep can affect your dreams. Last night was a perfect example of that. For the record, I took 50mg of 5-HTP with my normal herb/vitamin stack and it is known to increase dream/nightmare activity and recall. So, I got to bed later than intended and was worried about whether I'd wake up in the morning when my alarm went off so that I'd get to work on time. I told myself that at that point there was nothing I could do to affect it and that worrying about it would only worsen the problem by keeping me up longer.

So, during the night I dreamed that I was running on foot to work in the dark and that I came across a barricade blocking my normal route. I hopped over it and started walking and I saw a dog-sized rat out of the corner of my eye. I continued a few more paces and saw more rats and decided to go back and take an alternate route.

I entered a large victorian style building bustling with confusion and I found several people from my work team in the crowd. I couldn't figure out how to get to my desk and the clock chimed 7AM which is when I am supposed to clock in. I kept searching as the minutes ticked by to find my desk or my manager so that I could explain why I was late. I never found either but was surrounded by the crowd of confusion.

Luckily, in real life, once I awoke, I made it to work on time as usual, just tired and with a headache.

2008-05-11T20:39:00.002-04:00

I feel utterly humiliated and don't dare show my face outside of my bedroom all because of an indulgence. In the world of my dreams the very same event would have occurred but would have been completely normal and would have a completely different result than this one will when I emerge.

2008-05-09T21:33:00.002-04:00

My step-father and I were on our way to the library on wednesday and while we were sitting at the intersection, we saw a mother duck and her 5 tiny babies walking in the middle of the road. They tried to cross through traffic and the mother got a good knock under the car but managed to stand up and fly off. Two of the babies got squashed and the others just started panicking. My step-father got out of the car and scurried the three remaining babies over to side of the road. I don't know if the mother ever came back to take care of them or what ever happened to them. Either way it was a sad sight to watch.

2008-04-18T21:46:00.001-04:00

This morning my step-father admitted to me that my mom has told him that she feels like she failed with me and the next two oldest siblings and that she is overindulging my two youngest sisters in an attempt to compensate.

2008-04-18T21:43:00.002-04:00

I feel like evolution created us to fuck. It, however, built in a self-destruct mechanism so that when your usefulness for fucking is over, you get out of the way for the next round of fuckers. Now why post-menopausal women don't trigger this.... who knows, maybe it is some of the extra shit on the second X chromosome that men don't have. So, given that the way I was raised totally messed up any chances of me ever having sex, I feel like my mind has been trying to trip the self-destruct mechanism but that luckily I still have enough of the survival drive left to prevent it from acting, but that every day I have to deal with these opposing forces in a much more conscious way than I ought to have to.

2008-04-15T23:20:00.001-04:00

Background: I've repeatedly threatened to give up on the idea of romantic relationships if my latest interest doesn't work out.

(20:09:27) Me: Matt thinks I shouldn't give up overall if this doesn't work out
(20:10:06) Kenneth: Of course you shouldn't, and you won't even if you claim you are
(20:10:18) Me: I would if I could
(20:10:26) Me: god damn hormones and shit won't let me no matter how I try
(20:10:45) Kenneth: Exactly human nature won't let you
(20:10:49) Me: which bites
(20:11:02) Me: human nature is made to make people suffer
(20:11:03) Kenneth: Haha
(20:11:33) Me: so we're like masochistic by default
(20:11:35) Kenneth: Its also made to give us pleasure
(20:11:36) Me: which is kind of fucked up
(20:11:48) Me: well it ain't givin' me pleasure
(20:11:50) Kenneth: Haha
(20:12:02) Me: so it needs to knock it the fuck off
(20:12:03) Kenneth: No so far it hasnt
(20:12:28) Kenneth: It wont
(20:12:51) Me: only one way I know to make it quit and that kind of has unpleasant side effects that I wouldn't want
(20:13:06) Kenneth: What
(20:13:11) Me: Suicide
(20:13:25) Me: but it has that nasty death side effect that goes with it, so it won't do
(20:13:37) Kenneth: I figured that was it
(20:13:49) Kenneth: Yeah, death be worse
(20:14:13) Me: hell, I'll bet that even if I chopped my dick and balls off and became a eunuch I'd still have the natural drives
(20:14:32) Kenneth: Probably to an extent
(20:14:49) Me: if for no other reason than the natural human drives for companionship and emotional intimacy and shit
(20:14:55) Me: so no matter what I'm fucked
(20:15:00) Kenneth: Not as strong though, but then you'd be a freak who has a hard time pissing
(20:16:31) Me: see, this is evidence that either there is no god or else he's a sadistic asshole
(20:16:51) Kenneth: Lol
(20:17:17) Me: 'cause a nice god wouldn't give people drives that they can't get rid of that will just make them suffer their whole lives
(20:17:54) Me: but evolution would because evolution could give a shit if you are happy or not as long as you pass on your genes
(20:17:57) Kenneth: Ah, never know what future holds
(20:18:17) Me: so by not passing on my genes I'm saying "Fuck you evolution!"
(20:18:52) Me: See, evolution gives me the pain so I kill evolution by not allowing it to continue through me!

2008-04-12T16:45:00.002-04:00

You know, I wish I knew where I went wrong.... I thought I did everything right.... I got good grades in high school, I went to college, got a degree. I had an apartment and have a car.

And yet....

I'm 4 months short of being 25, live in my mom's house, have a ton of debt, work in a job next to someone who doesn't even have a GED, perform absolutely mediocre at work despite my best efforts, and I've never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl.

2008-04-03T19:29:00.001-04:00

I'm a chicken and someone should smack me or drop an anvil on my head or something.

2008-02-14T21:43:00.004-05:00

I have a piece of a conversation log to share to help in convincing anyone who still believe that I have sanity otherwise. ;) Due to the graphic and profane nature of the log, I've hidden it in the cut below. Viewing it implies your acceptance of some disclaimer I'm too lazy to make up. Oh, and names obscured to protect the guilty.

[Click here to show entry]

2008-01-31T06:12:00.000-05:00

So, today I had my interview for another position at the University of Phoenix. The interview went well enough and given the position, it doesn't really take much to be qualified for it.

As I left that interview, I got a phone call from one of the other places that I had submitted a resume to. I decided to wait to call them back until I got home and could read up on them again so that I would be able to sound informed if they wanted to interview me on the spot.

So, after I get home and read up on them, I try to call them back but get no answer. Then, 2.5 hours after my interview with UoP, I get a call saying I passed the interview and can I come in tomorrow to fill out new hire paperwork.

I then call back the other place again since it is a job that I would rather do. It would involve deeply researching a specific political issue and then basically coordinating lobbying efforts and media relations. The earliest they could get in an initial interview is Friday. If I pass that, I'd be expected to then do an in person interview.

So, because I can't really afford to pass on the crappy job on the hopes that this other one would work out better and because the other one pays less, I'm going to have to just accept the UoP one. I'm still going to do the interview Friday with the other people though and then if they tell me I pass then I'll tell them that I've taken a position for someone else, but could they keep me on file in case this one doesn't work out.

So what, you may ask, will I be doing. Well, I'll be trying to meet my quota of 650 outbound calls a day. No, that's not a typo.... six fucking hundred fucking fifty calls per day. Now given, not all of them will answer, some may be wrong numbers, etc., but I am expected to make that many calls each day. With each of them that actually answers and is the right person I will be expected to read them questions from a script and try to overcome any basic objections (e.g. I don't have time to talk right now or I'm not interested anymore). If they give the right answers to all of the questions, I transfer them to what is called a conference. My quota is to get 28 of those each day. Depending on who you talk to, I have to put in 6-9 months of doing that before I can consider transferring to another post in the company.

So is this good news? I don't really know. It's a job so it's money so it will provide some stability and so in that sense, it is good. On the other hand, it pays just over half of what the top paying job I've applied for would pay and is miserable work. It'll let me develop phone and customer service experience though. In theory, I could also pursue a masters degree for nearly free with this job, but I'm not sure if I will since none of the programs they offer excite me in the least bit. Also, by taking this job, I am automatically cutting off the possibility that I might come across something better.

Ah well, I'll just take it day by day and let it come dollar by dollar. It'll stabilize me and very slowly move me toward less debt. It'll be a ways yet before I have cut the debt back enough to feel free or move out or invest in any new projects, but at least I'll have halted the slide toward oblivion.

2008-01-26T05:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, this is the last post to flush from my mental queue for the night.

I was at dinner with a family in my mum's church group last week and I had some interesting discussions with the father.

One small one left me depressed the rest of the night. We were discussing my situation and how directionless I feel. He was quick to blame this on my having had a "classic liberal education." I looked up liberal education and it is characterized by wikipedia as such: "Usually global and pluralistic in scope, it includes a general education curriculum which provides broad exposure to multiple disciplines and learning strategies in addition to in-depth study in at least one academic area." He feels that this type of education does not prepare people for the real world and makes people quite adept at finding the problems in things and why they cannot work rather than finding and exploiting opportunities. Furthermore, he said that he has seen hundreds of people in my type of situation of hopelessness, directionlessness, and passions repeatedly blunted into despair. I figured that if he has seen that many people in this type of situation then clearly he must know techniques to help me recover from it, so I asked him how those people usually get out. His answer: "they usually don't." Fuck.

We also had a conversation on mormonism which rather intrigued me. He straightforwardly admitted to me that he thinks that agnosticism is the most honest belief in religion and that those who claim to know various religious facts are stupid. He admitted that he doesn't know if much of the mormon mythology about Joseph Smith and such is true. He is, however, a fully practicing mormon and teaches all of these stories to his family and endorses them in church and doesn't feel the slightest bit of dissonance about it. How can this be you might ask and indeed I wondered myself. The way he approaches it is that he looks at the groups of people who are overrepresented in large corporations, government, finance, etc. To him, these groups include mormons, jews, arabs, and one other that I can't remember. He also examines systems and what results they produce. So, he sees that mormons are so overrepresented in these fields and he sees the happy families and such and then believes that regardless of whether all of the things taught in the system are true or not, they bring good results and therefore are worth following. Because he lives in the western United States, mormonism is a fairly dominant culture in some areas and so therefore to him, it makes the most logical sense that if one wants to be successful in these areas, they should follow mormonism. They shouldn't care if the teachings have any basis in reality or not, but simply accept that following them will generally lead to the results they want. He believes that his beautiful wife and his good children are a direct result of having bought into the mormon social structure and going on a mission and such. Had he been born into a jewish or muslim area, I think he would have followed those systems with equal vigour.

He is convinced that part of my situation of being kind of drifting is the fact that I separated myself from that treadmill system and did not replace it with something else. While I did concede that this idea may have some merit, I also explained that I require a basis in truth and that my moral system dictates that I must, if necessary, reduce efficiency or success in order to maintain truth. His belief was that the fact that the mormon system works to produce the results he wants makes the system "true" in the only way that really matters in the end, in a pragmatic rather than theoretical sense.

So, while I found the discussion fascinating as this was a point of view I'd never heard before, I simply can't justify it to myself. I'm curious to hear others' thoughts on it and how his point of view may relate to other philosophies since I don't suppose he came up with it on his own.

2008-01-26T04:49:00.000-05:00

So, some of you may wonder why I have had the mini-epiphany described in my last post about marriage and why I have even bothered to reconsider whether it is possible for me. The answer is that I found out that I may need it.

As many of you know, one of my primary goals in life, if not the primary goal in my life, is to travel the world and live in different places including foreign countries to experience as many cultures and settings as possible.

That is one reason the idea of the foreign service officer job appeals to me. It would give me an automatic job in a capacity that I would enjoy in various places around the world and would provide training including language training. The downsides being that you have to tout the party line even where you don't agree with it and that you don't get to pick the locations yourself.

So I was looking into other options and by chance I came across some pages describing how to get citizenship in other countries. I discovered that in several countries in the European Union it is possible to get citizenship by living in the country for 5 years straight and learning the language and culture. Two of the countries that have this sort of requirement that interest me are Sweden and the Netherlands, though we'll take the latter for the sake of discussion. If I were to acquire dutch citizenship, I could live and work in any country in the EU without having to get special visas and work permits. It would require that I learn the language(s) and skills for jobs myself, but would give me freedom to choose my location, at least within the EU. It seems like the hardest part would be actually getting the residential visa and work permit to begin with and then all you have to do is last out the time and learn along the way.

So, that all sounds straightforward, but there is a catch. In order to take dutch citizenship, I would be required to renounce my US citizenship. While I might consider that for a brief moment, I don't think I could actually do it. There is definitely advantage to having citizenship in the most powerful country in the world and besides, it is my home country. It would be terribly bizarre to have to get visas or green cards or something to live/work in the US if I came back to visit or to live. So, I discovered that there is a list of exceptions to the renunciation requirement, but I could only theoretically meet one of them. If I were to marry a dutch citizen then after 3 years of being married to them (and meeting the other requirements), I could apply for dutch citizenship and be permitted to keep my US citizenship as well.

So, that would require I get married which brings in a whole host of questions, some of which I addressed in my last post. In addition to that, I'd need to make sure to end up with someone that liked to travel and move around as well. I'd also have to deal with the question of children.... which I have absolutely zero desire for at the moment and would require some convincing to ever change.

There is another catch as well. While the US does permit a US citizen to hold dual citizenship, if a person voluntarily obtains a second citizenship (as opposed to being granted it due to birth, etc.), they are automatically disqualified for security clearances due to foreign interest. This would effectively disqualify me from the foreign service officer job. My thoughts are that if I were to pursue the dual citizenship route then it'd be a minimum of 5 years from when I started and by that time I'd probably have some career already worked out and I'd already have a way to live and work in most of Europe so I may not need the FSO job.

So, I'm a little torn between which path would be ideal and I don't know that I can make either work, but at least either way would be interesting. And besides, wouldn't it be freakin' cool if I had an EU passport? I'd love to have some legitimate claim to call myself european.

2008-01-26T04:26:00.000-05:00

Although Jeremy likes to blame himself for my complete lack of any sort of love life, I've come to the conclusion recently that in fact, Freud was more right. I now blame my mother.

I was talking to someone about my lack of romance and all of the reasons why I don't think I'd ever want to get married. The reasons actually boil down to a few key items like privacy, independence, control over my resources, and sex.

Now the sex thing I attribute more to church beliefs in how I was raised though some very awkward conversations about masturbation and condoms with my mother growing up and the shame implied in those couldn't have helped me much.

The others, however, I feel my mother was a large contributor in. She is very assertive and very often does not know that no means no. If I say no to her about something and she thinks it is in my best interest, she will still go behind my back to do it. Oftentimes this involves invading my room or my car or in other ways violating my privacy and property. This clearly leads to a lot of trust issues since I cannot trust her to respect my space at all. She also never maintains any kind of balance of control. She also feels compelled to express her opinion on literally everything and she presents her opinion as fact and then on many topics proceeds to judge the hell out of anyone who believes differently. She often holds family meetings or discussions under the pretense of them being democratic and then she proceeds to disregard anything anyone else says and implements her own plan. When we are put in charge of other tasks like cleaning the pool, she constantly interferes with it behind our backs to get it done the way she wants. Now in a parent-child relationship some of this is to be expected, though it should be less so with me as an adult offspring of hers, but it isn't. But disregarding even this is the fact that she has treated both husbands of hers in very similar ways.

So, I guess my fear is that if I were ever in a dating relationship with someone or married to someone, I'd have to deal with all of this again. I'd have to worry over the security of my possessions and my money. I'd have to worry about who I am and what my dreams are. I'd have to worry that my entire life would be micromanaged to the point that I am powerless. If all of this happened, then what the fuck would be the point of the relationship? I'd be insane to willingly enter into that.

So, I got to thinking, if I met someone that I could actually trust and who would actually accept me for who I am without judging me, maybe it might work. Then I might feel safe to let my guard down about my things and myself. My privacy would be a little less important because I wouldn't have to feel defensive about as much. It could then actually be a safe and relaxing place to be to escape from the world rather than being a burden of yet another thing I just have to work to maintain exhausting myself. Now, I have my doubts about whether I could actually find someone like that that I was actually attracted to and even if I did, I'd have the whole physical intimacy hurdle to get over, but Samantha assures me that my mental blocks on that would melt away if I got into the type of relationship just described.

2008-01-11T04:00:00.000-05:00

Well, I discovered another of my gerbils dead tonight. Now I'm down to 3. Strangely, the two original gerbils, who are parents to the rest, are among the survivors. My sister has one of the original litter and I don't know what ever happened to the other two that passed from my brother to a friend to god knows where.

It's strange to watch as they die. My original plan, so full of hope, was to move to the northeast, to experience New York City, Boston, etc. I wanted to see a new england autumn. I wanted to see the historical sights. My plan was, however, only to stay up there for a few years until my gerbils had died off which would then free me to lead an adventurous life.

Now their numbers have dwindled in the past year from 8 to 3 and rather than excitedly taking in the northeast, I am now in the southwest mired in so much financial difficulty that I can't even do much to experience this area and what it has to offer. I fear that when the last one drops, I will only be able to bury my head in grief at life rather than soar into grand adventures.

2008-01-02T10:58:00.000-05:00

Shit, I didn't get the UoP job. My mom got a lead on another job possibility while at a new years party. It pays less, it would be pretty boring, and it would do nothing for my short or long-term career ambitions, but at least it'd keep me afloat.... assuming I have any better luck getting that job than the others I've applied for.

Oh, yeah, and on new years, my mom called and said that she didn't think we'd like the party she was at. She's usually the type to try to talk us into something no matter what so the fact that she would even admit that we wouldn't like it meant we definitely wouldn't. So, my brother, little sister, and I stayed home watching TV. Eventually my brother fell asleep on the couch, my sister was looking at clothes on the computer, and nothing good was on TV so at 11:30PM I just said fuck it and went to sleep. I woke up at 12:03, saw the clock, and went back to sleep. My brother apparently woke up at 11:55 only to discover that we don't even get the channel with the ball drop, so he just went back to sleep too. Aren't our lives great?

Fuck 2008.

2007-12-31T21:15:00.000-05:00

Well, tonight is new years and I've already overdrawn my checking account and today I fell back on writing a credit card access check in order to buy myself a month. The staff recruiter at UoP will be back from vacation on 2 January and so I hope to hear something about whether I'll get that job at that point.

So options for tonight are shit or shit. The city is hosting a new years eve party, but it is a family centered event meaning that the people there will either be older people or their kids as all of the people around my age will be off at more interesting and less kid-friendly parties. The singles group of my mom's church is doing a new years party at an ice skating rink which doesn't really appeal to me or my wallet. The only good option is to go to a nightclub, but all of them that I can find have at least a $20 cover which neither my brother nor I can afford.

So yeah, suck.

2007-12-22T16:38:00.000-05:00

Well, some news broke today that may be part of a long-term solution to my debt problem, but it won't help in the short term, which is the critical part. My sister went to an audition yesterday in Phoenix and today she was 1 of the 15 called back (out of 400). Because she was called back, she is going to enroll in acting school for 3 years going to classes every weekend. It costs $12,000. She'd better hope she turns out to be good at it so that she can pay that back relatively soon!!

But the way it works is that every weekend she will go to acting classes and do auditions for various agents. Once one of the agents decides to sign her, she will begin doing real auditions for commercials, magazines, etc. They said it could take 3-4 months before she scores an agent. Once she starts getting gigs, she'll take in on average $15-20k per commercial over time. The agent will snap up 15-20% of that in commission and the taxman will eat up another bundle, but it is still good money especially if she can land them often enough.

Her plan is to put the first $15k toward repaying my mom, the next $15k in the bank, and then to start helping out family members with our various debts. That would help my brother out of living paycheck to paycheck, help my mom get out of debt, and help me reduce my debts faster which would have a whole host of benefits for me.

In the meantime I still have to come up with some way to save myself in the short term. I interviewed with the University of Phoenix on Thursday and I thought the interview actually went remarkably well. I had to have them return to one question that I couldn't answer at first and I fumbled a little bit on my short-term career objectives, but overall I felt that I was confident and that I projected that. At the end of the interview, I had several questions prepared that I felt expressed my interest in the position/company and that I had thought about issues that I would deal with in the position. They were supposed to send me an email within 24 hours stating whether or not I'd been selected to proceed to the next stage of the process. So far I have not received any such email and the 24 hours is long expired so I don't know whether to interpret that as a sign that I've not been selected or whether to interpret it as them being busy with the christmas season. Either way, I'm supposed to hear a final decision within 1-2 weeks so worst case scenario is that they leave me in limbo until I receive a denial letter. I do hope that it will somehow work out though because I believe that it really is a position that I could do and do well, but which would still be challenging enough and offer me experience in various areas that I need to gain it in for my longer term objectives. Besides that, it would pay enough for me to begin my ascent from the slavery of debt. If I receive a job offer from them then I would feel confident asking relatives for a short term loan to bring me out of my financial crisis. I do not, however, feel comfortable asking for the loan without a standing job offer.

2007-12-20T14:54:00.001-05:00

Remember how I said I'd have $50.21 in my bank account at the end of December? Yeah, well, scratch that. I got a call from Citicard collections today. It turns out that I did have a December payment on my Goodyear card rather than having the initial payment due in January as I had believed. I guess having things take longer to get forwarded in the mail from the TX house caused a timing issue. So, another $119 in the hole now. I have a job interview at 3PM today though. If it goes well then with the exception of having to seek a month loan from family or from credit card access checks, I'll be saved. If not.... well, let's not go there.

2007-12-15T01:26:00.000-05:00

Well, my financial situation is officially dire. At the end of December I will have $50.21 left in my bank account and before the first week of January is over I will have bills that will exceed that.

I've been trying to do this substitute teacher thing which kicks in a little cash but it is often hard to get work with it and even when I do, I simply hate doing it.

I've called around to the temp services in the area and all of them are really slow due to the holidays and don't expect to get much work, if any, prior to the new year.

I'm looking into options for night jobs that still leave room for a day job once I find one but there obviously aren't many good options as far as pay scale is concerned.

I'm still looking into full-time employment options, but nothing very promising has popped up yet and I fear that regular hiring will be in a lull due to the holidays as well. I'm meeting with an employment advisor at my mom's church on Tuesday, but I don't hold too high of hopes for it.

Trying to sell blood (without passing out) or pawn my belongings wouldn't bring in enough income to buy me more than a week or two's time. If I were to write a credit card access check on one of my cards and deposit it in my bank account I could buy myself about a month, but at the cost of several fees and very high interest rates.

If I crash and burn financially in January, it would devastate my credit which would seriously complicate my finances for a long time if not indefinitely. It would also pretty much destroy any hopes I have of applying to the foreign service in the future.

So, other than lowering my standards and just working hard to find work, anyone got tips?

2007-11-29T02:08:00.000-05:00

Well, I had my first day of substitute teaching today on an assignment that lasts until 7 December. I arrived feeling nervous and when I was shown to the classroom my anticipation only grew as I found the lesson plans incredibly vague and completely useless. I was supposed to have a TA for period 1, but she never showed up. Eventually, the girl that helps in period 4 came in and gave me some more information so that I could try to conduct class. Those who know me will know I'm not particularly assertive and do not like positions of authority.... being subjected to them or being in them. And thus began the slow (well, okay, relatively quick) descent into madness. The classes became progressively worse as the day wore on with students talking loudly, picking on each other, making a cell phone call in class, trying to pick fights, etc. My last class of the day had 5 students in it and during most of the class period, the class room was empty except for me as the students one by one just got up and left the classroom without permission. Occasionally they wandered back in, but not for long. At this point I was so frustrated and powerless feeling that I almost didn't care what they did anymore. The entire drive home I tried to come up with one reason why I should go back there tomorrow and when I reached home not having found one, I called up the substitute teaching place and told them that I changed my mind about the rest of the assignment and that I don't want to go back there and I was out of it.

As far as my future in substitute teaching, well, I don't know. I am considering trying on an elementary grade level, but I still don't know that I could manage the kids properly so I don't really know. I just know I was traumatized and don't want to be put in that situation again. I'm simply not the right kind of person for that sort of job.

My mother took my step-father and me to meet some of the neighbours and out of chance coincidence, a relative of one of them happened to be stopping by their house for the first time in two years and he happens to be high up in the administration of the University of Phoenix (yes, that online one). Well, my mom is convinced that this is an answer from God and that this guy will be able to hook us up with good jobs. Of the departments needing help that he listed, the only one I think I may be qualified for is the IT department, but it sounded like that would be phone tech support which I positively loathe.

In other news, I was looking again at the Department of State webpage about Foreign Service Officers. At first glance it sounds like my dream job since it has the stability and benefits of a government job and would allow me to live and work in various places around the world in a professional job. However, I was looking more and their policy about dissent is that as a representative of the US Government you are expected to publicly uphold US policy.... which for me would be difficult especially with our current administration. The other problem is that as I looked at their online questionnaire about career paths, many of them seem to be a sort of cultural imperialism as you try to persuade other countries' leaders of the wisdom of US policy and you try to make them hospitable to US business interests. This would be very uncomfortable for me as I tend to think we ought to push for diplomatic relations with other countries rather than try to push our policies on them. I think if the US wasn't such a major power in the world and it was on a more level playing field then I may feel more comfortable with this competition of policies. I think my ideal job would actually be to be a foreign service officer serving in a peaceful diplomatic function for another country, but that isn't really possible. I've gotten the phone number of someone who can address my concerns about the US FSO program and I will call him at his office on Friday to see what I can find out.

In the mean time, I'm still fucked.

2007-11-26T18:04:00.001-05:00

Well, my internet access is still intermittent at best so this post is actually text that was composed a few days ago. Consider that when I refer to days.

Last night my aunt asked my mother if she watches R-rated movies and my mother replied that yes, she watches some. Today my aunt brought up in conversation that they'd based their family lesson on us this morning. She then expounded on her very black-and-white view that my mother has made covenants of obedience to God and therefore she should obey everything the mormon prophet says. Since the mormon prophet says no R-rated movies, my mother is therefore doing wrong according to her. She then explains that we shouldn't let Satan into our house in any way. Is she fucking implying that we have some maniacal, spiritual red demon running around our house because my mom watches an occasional R-rated movie. Give me a break, seriously. She then tried to brush off the conversation by saying that the lesson was a private family thing so I glibly replied "yeah, because you are only supposed to talk bad about people _behind_ their backs, right?" My mother then explained her belief that if she knows why a movie is rated R and judges the content of the movie to be justifiable then she'll watch one. My aunt was in a near panic at her children being exposed to this subversive thought. My step-father and I then ranted about it after leaving there because ratings are so arbitrary, the world is full of ambiguities, and some content that deserves to be seen legitimately should be rated such that it is intended for mature audiences. Seeing the dichotomy between even my own mormon family and my aunt's very mormon family shows me just how much I am divorced in my thought processes from that system. People often criticize mormonism and other conservative religious systems of black and white thinking when there are so many shades of grey. To me, the problem with even that statement is that shades of grey still implies a continuum between black and white or right and wrong. To me, many things cannot be placed on that continuum. There are many things that are neither right or wrong -- they are simply different choices or opinions. They can only be called right or wrong in very specific contexts in which they _may_ be right or wrong in the pursuit of some specific goal, but they are _not_ universally right or wrong. While I'm still uncertain what moral principles may be universal and which are contextual/subjective, I can state with a certainty that people unnecessarily clutter that debate table with discussions on the most ridiculous of things.

2007-11-15T06:06:00.001-05:00

Today my mother called me with a strange announcement. She told me she'd gone and gotten 4 tattoos today. I wondered if this move to Arizona had somehow been the cause or the result of some midlife crisis as I waited for her to end the pretentious waiting period intended to shock prior to explaining more details. She preceded the explanation with her well-known lecture about how much she hates tattoos. During this part, I theorized that perhaps she'd had some sort of tattoos put on to indicate some medical condition. Bah, why should I think that there would be some justifiable reason which would meet her impossible standards? It turns out that she got permanent eyeliner done. As I tried to imagine how she resolved the cognitive dissonance that I surmised must have been inflicted upon her, I realized that there was none. My mom seems to have no problem with the stretching or even outright breaking of rules, laws, principles, or feelings of others in any case which contradicts her personal purpose at the moment. To me, the mormon religion, which she belongs to, is a very black and white system. While I do not agree with black and white systems, I tend to not understand how people can claim to believe in one of these systems and then not act in a black and white fashion. When I was mormon in my youth, I clearly knew the rules and whenever I broke them I knew I was doing "wrong" and I felt guilty. People always talked about people sinning due to weakness but that was a concept I never understood. To me, every "sin" I committed was a willful act and not something I did because of any lack of control. For me, this caused great strain because as time passed and my personal system of morality developed and matured, I realized that I did not agree with mormon beliefs and so the logical step to solve my dissonance was to disavow the mormon faith in favour of my own experientialy developed system. So, I simply can't understand how someone can claim to believe in a rule set, break the rules without feeling it wrong, and then continue to believe in that system. Yet my mother continues to believe and to break rules at her own discretion while simultaneously condemning anyone else who does so at their own discretion except in cases where their goals align with hers. After she told me what the tattoos were, she quickly repeated her dislike of tattoos and said that her doing this does not give me permission to go out and get a tattoo myself. I wondered what delusions filled her head that she would think that I still would need her permission or even her acceptance to do such a thing. I also wondered what sort of complexes she may have instilled in my head by her persistent ideas that she has the right or duty to continue to attempt to control the lives of my siblings and me.

2007-11-15T04:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I arrived safely in Arizona. I left at midnight of Sunday night and then drove until 5AM before going to sleep. The road I drove had dozens of deer along it both alive and dead as well as several rabbits and a raccoon. Luckily I passed them all without harm to myself or to them. After sleeping uncomfortably until 8AM, I continued my journey.

When I awoke, I found myself in a very different Texas than I'd begun in. Gone were the hills and trees and surrounding me were flatlands and plateaus. As I continued, the plateaus turned to simpler hills sprouting out of the flat earth all around. Near El Paso, TX I suddenly found the flow of traffic diverted by cones away from the interstate and into a border control station. I wondered if perhaps my plotted route was taking me into Mexico and I scolded myself for not having noticed this sooner and begun to wonder where in my car my passport was located. Each car stopped and some were spoken to for a few seconds, but for the most part, the cars, including mine, were simply waved through after a very cursory glance. I soon realized that I was not in Mexico and wondered what the station was looking for. I soon passed into New Mexico which I found to be much more pleasant to look at than I had expected. The mountains in the distance were shades of several colours, mostly related to the blues and reds but with some yellow tossed in as well.

My travels through New Mexico were not to be uneventful however. In the middle of the state I happened to glance over at my passenger seat where my cactus was sitting in addition to other luggage and my snack items. Unlike all of the previous times I had looked throughout the trip, this time the cactus pot was swarming with ants and they were slowly spreading to other areas of the seat. I stopped at the first gas station I came to and discovered that they didn't carry bug spray. The two next closest locations were 4 miles back or 40 miles forward. So, I blew some time and went back only to discover that they only carry it during the summer. I continue forward and when I reach the third station many miles forward, to my dismay they do not carry it either. I decide that I must do something and I unload some of the items from the seat. Among the items I discard are an extra bag of cactus soil which I theorized may have held the original colony, the rest of my box of cookies which is now swarming with ants, and any empty food/drink containers I can find. I also took the cactus out and brushed as many ants off of the pot asI could find as well as clearing them from some of the areas like the gear shifter that were closer to my driver seat. This did not get rid of all of them but significantly reduced their numbers.

As I neared the New Mexico-Arizona border, I suddenly noticed that my gas light was on and I'd been so concerned with my ants that I had no idea how long it had been on for and I was in the middle of nowhere. I suddenly kept a close eye on the mile markers so that I'd be able to identify an approximate position if I were to run out of gas and have to call for help. I passed several exits which stated "No Services" before coming to one that indicated it had gas stations. As I pull out the exit I see a sign that indicates the direction of the gas as forwards.... 4 miles. Concerned, but persistent I continue and eventually come across a gas station which appears as if if has been abandoned for years. Wondering what the fates have tossed me, I continue on and discover an open gas station at the other end of the town. I was able to put 14.87 gallons into my 15 gallon tank and to my great fortune they also carried bug spray which I happily purchased in addition to a burrito to eat since the loss of my cookies had removed all food from my car and while starving the ants was perfectly suitable, I am not so masochistic as to make myself suffer only to ensure the suffering of the ant colony.

I found Tucson to be an interesting city as I passed through it. I saw several areas of buildings that looked almost middle eastern with trees stuffed in between them and I wondered if I wasn't having a vision of Babylon and her renowned gardens. Perhaps I looked up at coincidental moments or perhaps it really is a beautiful city. I guess I will have to return some time to find out. As I neared Phoenix, I grew wearisome, but decided I simply couldn't stop to nap with only an hour or so to go, so I stopped at a rest area for some water, a snack, and to stretch. This invigorated me enough to complete my journey arriving somewhere between 6 and 7PM Arizona time.

My time since has been spent unpacking boxes in my room, the living room, and dense mass that is the garage. I've made significant progress carving trails through the garage. Perhaps like Jim Morrison took the souls of Indians wrecked on the roadside, I may have absorbed some of the ants I sacrificed. The only internet I've got right now is wireless from a neighbour; this means that only my laptop has internet access as the desktop is not located in a room close enough to pick up the signal. I've experimented with making my router into a repeater but have thus far been unsuccessful so I will be stuck typing with my keyboard with the messed up space bar on the laptop for now. I wonder still how I've had the patience to type this entry with all of the spacing corrections I've had to make. My very silent readers, be they out there, must have asked nicely.

2007-11-07T19:42:00.000-05:00

Today Ed tried once again to get me to get an EE. He told me that if I'd accepted their full-time job offer before when they first offered it then today I'd be making between $46-50k.

I thought to myself I'd kill myself before I'd sign that thing again. Afterall, the act of signing that document is equivalent to me of selling my soul and giving up everything I stand for and is in reality a suicide that one may possibly be able to be reborn from later though forever stained with the shame and self-hatred that it would engender.

I thought a few minutes ago, however, that there is a catch to it. Traditionally saying that you would die before giving into something signifies that you are strong and dedicated to your principles. However, if you use it as a threat to try to convince someone of something then you are implicitly assuming that your life has some value to them. If they don't value your life then they don't give a fuck if you do die. You'd die from your stubbornness thinking you were some great martyr and then all the world would mock your pretentious belief that you somehow mattered.

We always matter to ourselves and for some reason we like to project that belief onto others. This tendency must have evolved as a survival mechanism since if people really realized that they don't really matter to most of the people they encounter, many more would die. In this case, perhaps ignorance really is bliss.

I seem to be infatuated with the idea that because I want to experience a lot that somehow my brain will be uniquely perceptive of noticing when opportunities are open to do things. Afterall, if you are considering buying a particular kind or color of car, suddenly you will start noticing that type/color all over the place. So why can I go on facebook and find so many of my ex-classmates from high school involved in all sorts of things and I am stuck living with my mom with no real direction in life and a continuous stream of rejections from jobs with no paths presenting themselves as a way out?

Is my life destined to this shit?

2007-11-03T13:47:00.000-04:00

I think the biggest problem caused by my being raised in a culture that considers itself outside of the rest of the world and then my abandoning it is that I don't truly belong anywhere at all. Alienation is the inevitable state. I live alone in a world that doesn't know it and their attempts at inclusion and love are like knives in my back.

2007-11-02T23:58:00.000-04:00

Well, as of today my wings have officially been clipped. I no longer have any significant flight benefits. The only flying advantage I have over any normal person now is that if I purchase a buddy pass from my mother, I will still fly at my old priority level rather than standard buddy pass levels. So, no more cheap/free flights and no more being able to fly standby on other airlines. :(

As far as halloween, I suppose I should share what I did that day as well. In the morning, my mother and I drove to Austin to drop off another load of boxes to ship to Phoenix. After that, we left for our adventure. First we stopped in Stonewall, TX for lunch at a small, family-owned diner and then we proceeded to the LBJ ranch. Prior to our bus tour, we spent some time at the Sauer-Beckman living history farm on the premises. We then took the bus tour of the ranch. We had hoped to have time to go back to see more of the farm, but time did not permit it.

We then proceeded to the Exotic Resort Zoo where we rode this rig through the park. On the tour, we were escorted around by a whole host of exotic animals eager to get whatever feed we may toss to them. The camel used his big lips to eat straight from our hands while the various deer needed it thrown to them. The ostriches ate straight from the bucket and I was glad they did as they darted their heads with hard beaks down very fast to grab the food. Other animals were partially handfed. The bison would open his mouth and stick his tongue out and you'd throw the feed in. I got so close one time that the bison licked my hand. Its tongue was raspy like a giant cat tongue and stuck out of the mouth probably a foot and a half.

Our drive home took us through beautiful hill country including the city of Marble Falls which I quite liked because a lot of it was set on hills overlooking the river.

That night I was obliged to take my little sister and her friend trick-or-treating. The neighbourhood they picked was the most "normal" neighbourhood I've probably ever been to. It was filled with young couples in nice, middle-class homes with a few small children. Some of the houses even had white picket fences. Nearly all of the houses were decorated for halloween and most of the people were out in costume in front of their houses. It was the sort of place that if you lived there and didn't participate in community functions you'd probably be looked down upon. While there I got to wondering how these people get that life. I simply can't imagine being only a few years older than me, being married, in a decent home, with small kids and living that prescribed life. Life is far too complicated and opportunities too few to give me that kind of life so I don't know how they do it. Maybe they were born into solid middle class families and have simply maintained it. I don't know that there really is all that much in the way of class mobility in this country.

2007-10-26T12:53:00.000-04:00

My mother has, outwardly at least, a very collectivist approach to how the household should be run. In her eyes, our lives are all a team enterprise and we should work to further the work of the team. We should consecrate our possessions to that end and we should not complain when asked to help with group enterprises. In reality of course, she often pursues her own personal goals and then demands the support of the "team" in furthering those goals while neglecting the desires and goals of the rest of us. In the time I've been here, I've repeatedly had my computer, my car, as well as other minor possessions taken out of my control to be used by others. My mother often makes policy decisions which specifically create the need to use my resources simply because it makes things easier for her. She then demands the use because she "needs" them while had she planned differently she would have still been able to accomplish her goals without my things; after all, this household ran fine without me. Another example is that whenever my family goes on trips, my mother always packs more than is necessary and declares some of the stuff to be group items. Anyone who has any room in their bag is then expected to carry it. Most of the time I attempt to take as little as possible and pack efficiently so that I will have a lighter load, however, no matter how much I lighten my burden, there is always group items to fill the space. On the most recent trip we were on, my mother overstuffed my bag with group items to the point that the bag actually broke open. A similar ploy is at work with regards to my car in the move. I've been labouring diligently to reduce the amount of things I have so that I don't have to stuff my car again so that I will be more comfortable during the move and cause less damage, but of course now my mother is making all sorts of requests for me to haul family items in my car. I don't think she realizes, despite my repeatedly telling her, how demoralizing this attitude is. Why should I bother trying to be efficient and trying to lighten my load if she will simply fill the gap I create? If I'm going to have to carry that much anyway, why shouldn't I just pack more of my own things to add luxury to myself so that there is no room to carry group items? Why should I try hard and use my own resources to have a nice car/computer/phone and keep them operating well if my family members will forcibly make more use of them than I can while they contribute nothing. Of course, you may suggest that I simply "be a man" or "stand up for [myself]", but the problem is that I am dependent upon my family right now and so any attempt to prevent them from invading my space and my property goes in vain since they believe I "owe" them.

Now, you may think from my strong thoughts on personal property, privacy, and boundaries from this and other posts, that there must be some serious conflict between these thoughts and my stated political belief of Socialism. I, however, do not perceive there to be a conflict. My view of government is definitely based on the idea of the Social contract. The ideal government to me is one that operates as a framework to aid people in the pursuit of happiness. In any social contract, the idea is that the people give up some rights in order to establish order and to take advantage of social institutions. My belief, however, is that the choices it takes away are, for the most part, not ones that anyone should desire to have. Take healthcare for an example. Few people would argue against the need for health insurance. Health insurance, like any insurance, basically distributes the costs of expensive medical treatments across the subscription base in order to make them affordable to any subscriber. The private healthcare system that we have today offers the choice of many different insurance providers and many different options of coverage plans. This is a choice which entangles rather than empowers. A socialized, single-payer healthcare system that provides universal healthcare is the only solution. When you get injured or are sick, your only concerns should be who to go to for the best care so that you can get back to your own life, to be productive, and to seek to fulfill your own goals. This is my idea of Socialism: the government should operate as a nearly invisible framework that provides a safe and stable foundation for people to pursue their own individual interests whatever those may be. I used to have libertarian leanings, but through many life experiences, I've realized that when it comes to things like healthcare, these are services I will have to have anyway so why should I waste my time and effort in a libertarian society to procure all of these services when my time and effort could instead go to my own personal pursuits? As long as the government agencies were required to operate transparently, with civilian watchdogs to keep them running efficiently, and with proper structure in place to avoid the corporatist state we have today, I don't think government programs are the bogeyman that critics make them out to be.

2007-10-08T20:31:00.000-04:00

I was at my little sister's volleyball game last week and as I was watching her I thought about when I was young and got to participate in all sorts of varied activities and how now as an adult I do not. It made me wonder how many people have children with the primary goal that they be able to vicariously relive their own childhood.

Also, I've noticed something irritating lately. Prior to my parents' divorce many years ago, it got to the point that my siblings and I all avoided my dad because every time we saw him we'd get in trouble for something or other. Now, I'm starting to feel that I'm intentionally avoiding my mom because every time I see her she is assigning me some chore around the house or criticizing something. She was in my room using my computer yesterday and simply felt compelled to announce that she doesn't like my music. She couldn't understand another day why I was unwilling to let people use my desktop computer. I made clear that I was already letting people use my laptop more than I wished and that my desktop computer is my last item I have which I still have complete control over. She just stated that I haven't learned to share. My (unstated) response: she hasn't learned boundaries. Due to my avoidance, I often find myself secluded up in my room and a lot of times I get the feeling of being psychically imprisoned in it. Today as I was looking at my closet which now holds most of the belongings I have here, I almost got the feeling that I would continue to be compressed and then get stuck with all of my things in my closet prior to imploding.

2007-09-25T15:26:00.000-04:00

I've failed.

Or at least I can find no other valid conclusion.

I had so many grandiose ideas of what I was going to do to set the stage for the rest of my life. I was going to move away to a place I'd never been where I didn't know anybody and I was going to forge a life there and solidify my strength of character knowing that I could do something like that.

I didn't want to stay in Georgia because that would be too "easy." I already knew people there. I already knew the area there. I had resources there. If I took that path then I'd never know what I'm capable of doing really.

I explored options in various other states and even flew to Connecticut for one interview and to scope it out.

As time progressed, my finances got worse and I had to move to my mom's house. In doing so I had to give up a lot of control over my life and most who know me know that my sense of fulfilment and accomplishment and even my happiness to a large extent is directly tied to my feeling of having control over my life.

I thought hey, it's just for a short time and I'll get to live in and explore a new state. I can deal with this for now knowing that it is a leaping point to my grand adventure. The months dragged by and I saw some but not as much as I wanted.

I went on my big trip to Europe which was good but by definition not lasting. I come home to discover that the shit my job was causing was still going on and I couldn't live on that anymore so I took a strong stand and I quit it on principle.

A week later my mom announces that she's decided spur of the moment that we are going to move to Arizona. I spend a little time in vain trying to find a stopgap job in Texas. When it was clear that wasn't going to work out and that the longer I spent trying the less likely it would work out, I moved my search to Arizona.

I found a psychology job that would have been perfect and the people seemed happy with me.... until I called a few days later and found out someone else had been given the position. More recently I found a computer job that would have paid enough to liberate me from my debts in less than 2 years. The bastards led me along and made it sound promising and now haven't returned my calls for about 4 days and missed the date they were supposed to let me know something on. I'm running out of options here.

And on top of that, I'm going to be stuck in the middle of a mormon-infested desert with family and extended family in the area. I wanted a beautiful, adventure filled life where I could carve out my own niche and my own self and be fulfilled and I get this shit?

In a couple of months I will be out of money and I've been spending bare minimums on my bills and other life items. Now I find that I may have to crawl back to the BYU job just to get by day to day. Fucking sell-out.

So I have to give up on my dreams of adventure, I have to back down on my moral stand, and I'll still only barely get by if I'm lucky. What is the fucking point if this is all there is?

Alcohol and most drugs just numb so that isn't a solution. If I'd just be numb, I wouldn't really be living anyway so what's the fucking point?

Can anyone tell me how one lives?

2007-09-20T22:20:00.000-04:00

So I was talking to (or being lectured by, depending on how you perceive it) my aunt and grandma today about job stuff. We were talking about the level of conformity required. Of course they don't think it is a big deal and gave examples of how we have to conform all over the place in life. I made the point that while I do sell out enough to wear the white shirt and tie to a job interview, it still bothers me that I do even that. My aunt made a big deal out of how if I hadn't cut my nails it might have made the employer think I was a transvestite and it would scare them. Ah, the irony. But really, why the fuck should something like that bother people anyway? Fucky scared pricks. It really seems like it is more difficult to hate people than to just accept people. Society is full of masochists and sadists I guess.

So, after this discussion I had one of those moments where suddenly you understand what a song is about. The song in this instance is "Height of Callousness" by Spineshank. I had never really understood what the song was talking about and thought it was bizarre that the band would be saying "fuck integrity". Well, I finally get it. Basically the narrator is someone who was destroyed by society pressuring him to conform. The judgemental society slowly forced him to destroy himself and confuse him until they seemed right. They destroyed his sense of self and his integrity and society's message itself is "Fuck Integrity". Society is trying to destroy you and make you a zombie no matter how much you struggle to maintain your own integrity.

I really relate to this song because I feel like society is trying to do the same thing to me with this job search. If I am to give in and forsake my integrity and fully sell out to them, I think I would become callous and feel destroyed just like the narrator does and I don't want that. How then can one maintain integrity and still survive in this world?

2007-09-07T17:52:00.000-04:00

My mom told me today that she doesn't think I'll be able to find a psychology related job because I have too many issues and need counseling myself. Bitch.

2007-08-29T02:53:00.000-04:00

So tonight I was thinking about a couple of things, but mainly revolving around Bill Hicks's assertion that "we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves."

This quote, while piquing my interest, had never made total sense to me. While in the shower tonight I had a realization of some of the things it could mean. Have you ever imagined what it would like to be a king or stockbroker or a beggar on the streets of Chennai? Have you ever wished you could be someone else temporarily or permanently but you didn't hate who you are enough to wish to destroy it in order to become that other thing or something resembling it?

Well, suppose that that is all that life really is. The universe is just experimenting with different roles to experience them and all our lives really are are just one of those roles. Of course, each role must be kept ignorant of its true nature of the universe experiencing itself because if it knew, it would jeopardize the authenticity of the universe's experience in that role.

Now, suppose that you or I becomes aware of our true nature as being one with the universe and that our lives are merely dreams or mental fantasies of the universe. Now, I must assume that in order for the universe to experience my role and indeed it must be every moment I am existing, it must have some attention focused on its experience of me. So, if I am really both the observer and the observed then what keeps me from shifting my consciousness to one of the other roles to experience them? As it is all a creation of the "mind," even a creation of a new role would not be out of place. This would not even require any change in the existence or behaviour of my current role... the experiencer is the same so I, in a sense, would still be controlling and remembering everything that I as Michael do. Yet I could also experience Rachel at the same time as a wholly separate in the world and 100% female entity. I could empathize with other people because I could transcend my role and have full knowledge of their experience since I am them as the experiencer.

Now I guess the real question is why nobody seems to do that. Is the true realization of oneness of the role and the experiencer perhaps something that causes the destruction of the role inherently? Is this "merging" realization what is called enlightenment? You would after all suddenly know and be everything.... you wouldn't need to desire to experience another role because you've probably already experienced anything you may wish to dozens of times. Is the passage of time and the development of knowledge and technology in the world just a way to reiterate the same roles in different surroundings to refine knowledge? Or is the fact that we are stuck in the flow of time just an attribute of playing a role and the universe already knows all time?

Or, is all of this theory just an old rehash of the idea that this world is shitty and painful and so we must fantasize about a better world outside of our own or in the afterlife just to deal with it?

2007-08-27T18:42:00.000-04:00

R.I.P. Minimes and James Fleugel

Minimes: One of my gerbils from the third litter. He has been living in pain for quite a few months due to a large open wound on his stomach that I believe developed out of an infection of the scent gland. It caused him to lose a lot of weight and limp as he hopped. When I returned from my recent trip to Arizona, I discovered that he had finally passed on. I'm glad that he is out of his pain, but he will be missed. He is survived by his father Meriones, his mother Jird, his brother Munchkin, and his sister Śubh.

James Fleugel: A great friend of my mother. After being single until his forties, he finally married and had a child. Then, with the baby still very young, he was diagnosed with cancer that was believed to be treatable. Unfortunately, it spread very quickly and was too much for his body and he passed on August 26, 2007. He is survived by his wife and young child.

2007-08-26T23:28:00.000-04:00

You know that feeling you get when you go back and watch a cartoon or movie you liked when you were a child that held a magical appeal to you then and you watch it now and it's just not that great and you can transparently see all the little lessons it tries to teach the child viewers, etc. and it just sort of ruins the innocent view you had of your childhood?

Well, I had one of those types of experiences last night. There was this little tongue twister type saying that my dad used on my siblings and me when we were children. We always thought that he made it up and while so small, it was one of those things that I think of when I think of my dad. I thought of it as a unique contribution of his to my life and our family legacy.

Well, I discovered last night that not only did he not make it up, but there are several slightly different versions in circulation. Apparently it is a camp song and is used at a variety of different types of camp. I guess it makes sense given my dad's very heavily involvement in the scouting program as I grew up, but it was still a bummer to know that it didn't originate with him.

Due to the sounds used, I don't know exactly how one would spell it, but this is an approximate spelling of how I remember learning it from him:
itten bitten little kitten oaten doaten little boaten eskidly oaten doaten bodo skadeaten dotten wadda kachoo

Here is a sample of some of the other versions I have found on the web:
www.woodbadge.org/FTP/WBSONGBK.doc
Whadat-n-Chew
(Leader says line,
then everyone repeats)
whadat-n-chew
bodo skideeten aten
whadat-n-chew
its skittle-li oaten doten
bodo skideeten aten
whadat-n-chew
oaten doten little boaten
its skittle-li oaten doten
bodo skideeten aten
whadat-n-chew
itten ditten little kitten
oaten doten little boaten
its skittle-li oaten doten
bodo skideeten aten
whadat-n-chew
eatel leetel little beetle
itten ditten little kitten
oaten doten little boaten
its skittle-li oaten doten
bodo skideeten aten
whadat-n-chew
urdel lurdle little turtle
eatel leetel little beetle
itten ditten little kitten
oaten doten little boaten
its skittle-li oaten doten
bodo skideeten aten
whadat-n-chew
oodle loodle little poodle
urdel lurdle little turtle
eatel leetel little beetle
itten ditten little kitten
oaten doten little boaten
its skittle-li oaten doten
bodo skideeten aten
whadat-n-chew

http://www.girlscoutslolc.org/Programs/games_songs.htm
Whattatin Chew!
Bodo Skedetenat Whattatin Chew!
It's Skiddlin' Oatin' Dotin' Bodo Skedetenat Whattatin Chew!
Ishy Dishy Little Fishy, It's Skiddlin' Oatin' Dotin' Bodo Skedetenat Whattatin Chew!
Itten Ditten Little Kitten, Ishy Dishy Little Fishy, It's Skiddlin' Oatin'>Dotin' Bodo Skedetenat Whattatin Chew!
Oaten Doaten Little Boaten, Itten Ditten Little Kitten, Ishy Dishy Little Fishy, It's Skiddlin' Oatin' Dotin' Bodo Skedetenat Whattatin Chew!
WHATTATIN CHEW!!!

http://www.campronaldmcdonald.org/goodtimes/Camp/CampTraditions_songbook.htm
Wah Dot in Choo
(Repeat Song)

Wah dot in choo
Bo Dote ska deetin dottin wah dot in choo
Its skiddlee oaten doaten bo dote ska deetin dottin wah dot in choo
Itten ditten little kitten, oaten doaten little boaten
Its skiddle oaten doaten bo dote ska deetin dottin wah dot in choo

http://www.scarletandgray.info/osu/songs/cheers.html
(leader) Wa Da Chew
(everyone) Wa da chew
(leader) Bodo skadeetin datin, wa da chew
(everyone) Bodo skadeetin datin, wa da chew
(leader) Ish biddly oaten doaten bodo skadeetin datin wa do chew
(everyone) Ish biddly oaten doaten bodo skadeetin datin wa do chew
(everyone) Go Bucks!

http://listserv.tcu.edu/cgi-bin/wa.exe?A2=ind9511&L=scouts-l&T=0&P=106487
Itten, ditten little kitten
Oaten, doaten, little boaten
Iss-kiddle-e-oaten-doaten
Bo-do-skee-daten-daten
Wah-dot-n-choo!

2007-08-26T04:08:00.000-04:00

While preparing for bed tonight, I came up with a most interesting idea. Imagine a culture where children are named as they normally are, but they are not given middle names. Then, at the age of 16 or 18 something similar, the person is expected to pick a new adult name to go by that they feel best describes who they feel they are. They then adopt this new name as their first name and their old name becomes their middle name. Since this would be expected in this culture and the old name isn't actually lost, most people shouldn't have a problem with the change. I think it would be a most fascinating symbolic rite of passage.

2007-08-24T19:35:00.000-04:00

Damn.

On Tuesday I went to a job interview where I had to fill out some paperwork, take a driving test, take a typing test (93wpm!), and have an interview. I thought I did well enough in the interview and I was scheduled for a second interview at a site I could possibly work at later in the day. I went to that one and they laughed at me for wearing a tie which was a good thing since I hate ties. It is a very informal work atmosphere and I could show up in shorts to it. At the end, the lady seemed quite pleased with me and told me she was going to tell admin that she wanted me.

Well, not having heard anything several days later, I called them today to ask how long it takes to hear something and they told me that my second interview had gone really well, but that there were some internal candidates who applied for the position instead and since they get precedence, one of them got the position instead of me. Fucker.

So, the HR lady is going to talk to the person who interviewed me the first time and see if there are any other locations she would recommend me for and then call me back Monday about that... which means I'd have to fly the fuck back out to Phoenix again for more interviews.

Last weekend I submitted about 15 resumes to various other companies and have only gotten called back by one of them.... Children and Family Services. I haven't called them back yet because we didn't have very good experiences with them when I was growing up, but I may have to. Shit.

Hopefully in a few months I'll be looking back on all of this and laughing, but I wouldn't bet on it.

I've also decided that this phase of my life is still going to be annoying. I'll still have to live with my mom at first and then even when I am financially stable enough to move out, I'll still be in the same city as her and my aunt/uncle/cousins. That means my policy of letting very few people know where I live that I applied in Athens will not be very possible here. Even if I don't tell any friends, I'll still have family showing up at my door. And if I go out in public I will still have to worry about running into people that know my family. And people are a god damn rumour mill so I'm still going to feel stymied by the narrow conceptions of right/wrong and of who I am by my family and therefore the god damn mormon church even once I move back on my own.

2007-08-23T18:10:00.000-04:00

Why is it that every year on my birthday I just get really depressed? It's supposed to be a happy day, right? I get to be (though I don't like it) the center of attention and people all call me and leave me nice little messages. I'm not really old enough to be too seriously dreading the idea that each birthday brings me closer to old age and death. Nevertheless I hate my birthday.

2007-08-21T03:31:00.000-04:00

Well, today, after going to 3 different DMV's (the first was closed and the second had a problem with their computers), I got an Arizona driver's license. Feels kind of weird since the only kind I've ever had was for Georgia.

Tomorrow morning I go for my first real job interview in Arizona. I'm hoping that others call to schedule interviews while I'm in town. Better still if this first one just works out.

In some ways it will be nicer being back with my family when they move here than with my relatives. They are so churchy.... family prayers like 3 times a day, prayers at meals, scripture readings, family home evenings, keeping sunday churchy, etc..... very little of which I can avoid. Damn fine people for sure, but god, I could never be that religious.

2007-08-16T13:36:00.000-04:00

I had a couple of bizarre dreams last night, however, I can unfortunately only recall one of them. Anyway, here it is:

As a spur of the moment sort of thing, I got on a plane to a small city in england with the intention of going to a job fair there. The seats faced each other in pairs like on a train with a table between each side. Unexpectedly, I got seated across from Andrew and Emily and next to Nick. Nick stuck out his finger at me and I bit it... apparently in this dream world I would often snap a bite at fingers extended toward me but this was the first time I'd actually managed to successfully bite nick which sent him howling in pain. Later in the flight, Nick slipped under the table that was between the seats and started moving in weird contortions. The flight attendant came by and told him that the invisible seat cover is not meant to go under the table and its malfunctioning was what was causing the spasms.

When we got to England, all of the sudden all of the seats were facing forward like a normal airplane and the table was gone. Andrew, Emily, and Nick were nowhere to be found. Most people got up and got off, but a lot of baggage was still left. I got up kind of in a daze and after checking the seat pocket in front of me for all my things and finding my braces case along with dozens of other items that didn't belong to me, I got up to get off. I wondered if all of the baggage strewn about the plane and in the overhead compartments was just as abandoned as the various items in my seatback pocket that I left. Then I realized the plane was still moving. I staggered to the front of the airplane (once I figured out which way the front was -- it was confusing) and found a square room with hand rails and a large window. Apparently the airplane was driving around to different jetway doors around the airport and so at the next one it pulled up to I got off.

When I got into the airport I saw a job listings board and I thought what the hell, might as well look. They were all just sales/retail positions in the little shops in the airport so I moved on. I heard security announcements to lock down the airport and for some reason I assumed they were about me. I saw a curving ramp that went to the parking deck and I went there where I was able to more easily slip out of the airport. I saw the trams and I saw a sign for the taxis. I headed toward the information desk by the taxis to figure out what I was doing since I had nothing planned. I saw advertisements for the job fair on the backs of the benches.

Then I woke up.

2007-08-14T00:01:00.000-04:00

This post ought to be a scathing indictment of our nation's lack of universal healthcare, but rather than rant I'll just advise you watch Sicko and encourage your representatives in congress to vote in favour of it instead and just relate my little story here instead.

My mother asked me to water the plants today with the sprinkler so I set it up and as I was going to go in the house, I slipped on the now wet sidewalk and landed my knee straight on a ceramic dish that was there to feet the cat. I then fell over on the sidewalk and couldn't get back up. I couldn't reach the door to knock for attention, but my sister had heard the dish break and came to the door. After helping me up and in the house, we saw that I had slice my knee open. It was a nice clean cut but it was deep enough to need stitches. At this point I was in shock and had bad nausea and lightheadedness. Reclining on the couch didn't help much, but laying on the floor did. My mother briefly dressed the wound and then went to the phone book to figure out where to take me. Luckily the hospital wasn't very busy and so they were able to get to me quickly. After sanitizing it, they put in six stitches and covered it with gauze. I remarked that it is a good thing my friend Jeremy didn't see it or else he might have wanted some stitches as a fashion statement since they looked like a sort of gothic barbed wire sticking out of my leg. One bizarre thing is that the shots to put the lidocaine in actually hurt more than anything else and they didn't really hurt much. I don't know if the cut didn't hurt much because of the shock/endorphins or because there just isn't much nerve tissue in the area. I think they measured it at 4.5cm long, but I don't know how deep. They billed me the minimum $209 fee while I was there and will send a bill to me for the rest. I also have to get a tetanus shot at the health department within the next 72 hours for $10 (it would have been $94 to get that part at the hospital).

I sure hope I can find a good job in Phoenix soon... now I have this hospital bill, my cell phone is still broken, my car doesn't start and still needs the struts and tires done before it goes to Arizona, and I have no income.

2007-08-09T21:47:00.000-04:00

I was in Phoenix, AZ for the past couple of days for a job fair and last night I had a most fascinating dream which I'd like to relate.

In the dream, I wrote a book. In the book, my friends Andrew and Emily were leasing land from a large old church. They had a small, stone house on the grounds built into a hill almost like a small, man-made cave with supporting beams shaped like stonehenge. Due to it being the church's property, they were limited on the amount of landscaping they could do, in particular making sure to leave alone some almost glowing coloured trees that were scattered scarcely about the grounds. They had a pet lamb and I told them that I would rather have a pet goat with little horns... that that would be more fun. A "retarded" man moves in as their roommate. The rest of the book is a twisted and complex tale based not on evil, but on Levin's perceptions of the world (Levin being the "retarded" man). He is actually positively brilliant, but his entire world is filtered through his physical retardation so his thoughts and actions are based on a reality that to others appears very skewed and so his actions appear to them to be handicapped, as must their actions to him. Though his bizarre world makes perfect sense to him and Andrew's (relatively) normal world makes sense to him, neither could comprehend each other's. The end of the book questions whether Levin's view of the world is really any less real than Andrew's or whether everyone's reality is filtered through their physical makeup and both are valid.

As the dream continues, in a class, I created a tree. I don't know how, but somehow I literally sculpted a living tree from some material rather than growing it from seed. In this school, the typical procedure after a tree was sculpted was to place a paper on it labeling the type of tree and then show it on the school news. As I was mounting the paper, another student instructed me to instead write my name, her name, and the teacher's name in black marker on a bare spot of the tree instead, emphasizing that it ought to be simple and efficiently done. I was bitter -- it was my tree and I didn't want them receiving any credit for its creation. After writing the teacher's name and my classmate's name on my tree, the black marker ran out. I found a yellow marker and instead of simply writing my name, I wrote a several line cryptic dedication beginning with "For Skael, Rachel, and Focus" which all referred to me though presumably others that saw it would be confused.

In another class, someone asked who the last name on the tree was since they couldn't read the yellow text. The teacher simply said that it was me and at the same time I felt admired and hated - in fact, I wanted to feel both. It would be more interesting that way. In reality, probably nobody really cared much one way or the other, but were simply curious what the text said. We were to start reading at page 62 of my book. I suddenly found myself laying in the dark. I tried to understand if the teacher's methods were bizarre or if I was simply fully engrossed in a scene in the book to find myself in such a pose and setting.

After a few moments of such contemplation, I suddenly realized that I wasn't actually dreaming anymore, but that I had awoken and was laying in the bed at my aunt's house where I was sleeping.

The fact that my thought patterns continued on the lines of the dream even several minutes after I'd awakened positively fascinated me. I pondered whether it meant that the book has some relation to my life or whether my brain had just concocted a magnificent story and waking up in a strange place complemented its creative impulse.

Also note, I have no idea where several of the names came from. I'd never heard the name Levin or Skael before. I also have no idea why I referred to myself as both Skael and Focus in addition to Rachel either. I also don't know whether the goat vs. lamb on church grounds has anything to do with the typical religious symbolism imposed on those two animals or whether it has to do with the fact that I really would like a pet goat.

2007-08-06T18:27:00.001-04:00

Notes from the trenches...

I recently got back home from a trip to Georgia to move my things into a storage unit. Petty feuds are bullshit. I wish I was rich enough to arrange better housing and transportation on these trips.

While gone, I found out that Petey, my ancient hamster, had finally died. He was a damn good hamster but he was very old and it has been showing more and more since I moved to Texas.

When I went over to check on the other animals, it still smelled like death so I thought my sisters left Petey in his cage dead, but as it turns out, Trinegro, my black female gerbil, died too the night before I arrived and she had not been discovered yet. This leaves me with 5 gerbils in 3 cages left.

I went to a job search place today and remembered how much I fucking hate job searching. It's all about sales and deception. You have to flatter your previous employer who you obviously left for some reason that made them suck. You have to flatter your potential employer telling them how much you want to work for the company when all you want is a fucking paycheck. You have to tell them how qualified you are and how much you can help the company when you don't really know shit. And even if you do all of this soul-selling, the devil just laughs in your face as he tells you with his shit-eating grin to politely fuck off.

So often I try to deceive myself and tell myself that somehow I'm in a higher social class than I am. I try to tell myself that I'm smart and college-educated and that somehow that translates into the inevitability of a wife, 2.5 kids, and a white picket fence. Not that I want any of that shit, but you get the idea. Instead I find out that my college degree is pretty much worthless... a person with a high school education can get 99% of the jobs that I can. I'm buried in debt, my family is buried in debt, nearly all of my friends are working dead-end jobs and only some of them have completed college. Face it, I'm lower class. I should be grateful... look how many people are even worse off than I am.... no wonder we have so many alcoholics and junkies. The rest must be better people than I am to survive it.

The more I see this whole real world thing the more I realize it is all bullshit. It's all a big circle jerk wrapped up in social conventions to hide the crudeness of it all. Jerk the right person the right way and you'll get helped out. Have a little dignity and too bad for you. It's glaringly obvious why the non-privileged so desperately cling to a belief in heaven.

On the other hand, I see people who manage to walk the path without the major personal conflicts that I find without selling out their souls. They find jobs that provide sufficiently for them and give them a little to spare. I can't even get a job in retail...

Too bad there isn't some way to reboot life... but hey, it's the same world so even if you could, the flaws are systematic so you're still fucked.

Too bad there isn't some way to foment revolution and fix it all... but hey, look how well all of the other utopian revolutions have turned out...

I think I'm starting to understand why de Sade wrote The Misfortunes of Virtue.

The American dream is propaganda.

Fuck.

2007-07-29T16:02:00.000-04:00

I hate applying for jobs. You apply for jobs that should simply require that you show up on time and do your work and they confront you with application and interview questions that feel more invasive than a psychotherapist and then they want to drug test you and credit test you and do a background check on you. Why can't it just be as simple as hey, I'm willing and able to work and my references can testify to that and you need workers so let's make a deal?

On another note, I have to go to Georgia to move my things out of my mom's house and into a storage unit to facilitate getting the house sold. Being between jobs, this is the best time for me to go to not have to worry about being able to get time off of a job later and get there when I won't have flight benefits. The main advantage is that when I do go to actually move, it will be very easy to identify how much stuff I have and where it is. The main disadvantage is that now I will have to add a sizable extra monthly bill for the storage unit... when I don't have a job... shit.

And for the record, the current leading locations for my possible move when I can afford to move and have found a real job are (in no particular order):

Anchorage, AK
Hartford or New Haven, CT
Portland, OR

I am, however, still very open to other possibilities and any pros/cons anyone has on the listed locations.

2007-07-24T03:05:00.000-04:00

Okay, the rest of the pictures are up. There may be a few more later on as there was a second camera in use by a friend of the family who went on the trip with us. I don't know when or if I'll get a copy of those pictures though.

I'm a bit disappointed with the Morocco pictures, but I guess that's what happens when I give more control of the camera to the rest of my family. A lot of the things I would have taken pictures of got ignored in these picturesets, but that's life.

France with Family
Barcelona
Sevilla
Road to Marrakech
Marrakech
Ourika Valley

2007-07-23T20:12:00.000-04:00

More Pictures Up:

Netherlands and Belgium
France without family
Louvre
Versailles and Trianons 1/2
Versailles and Trianons 2/2

2007-07-22T16:42:00.000-04:00

Pictures for Sweden and Denmark are up. I'll add captions to the pictures later.

Sweden 1/2
Sweden 2/2

Denmark 1/2
Denmark 2/2

2007-07-20T13:45:00.000-04:00

Stockholm, Sweden (Day 2-3)

Day 2:
While on the airplane, I set my watch to the timezone of Sweden and at about 11PM Sweden time I took a melatonin pill to begin the process of adjusting my circadian rhythms.

My flight landed at 7:35AM at the Arlanda airport and I felt a rush of euphoria at my first site of the swedish land. Afterall, despite all of my world travels, this would be the first time I took a large international trip completely by myself. Finding the Arlanda Express train and ticket machines for the train ticket to get into Stockholm itself proved easy. Upon arrival at Stockholm C, the business tasks began. Through several trips to the information desk I was able to get my eurail pass validated and locate the queue machine to get a number for the ticket window. After what later proved to be quite a standard length wait of an hour, I was able to make my train reservation to Copenhagen.

Now that my transition was set up, I began to establish myself in Stockholm. I went to the tourist information center where I found information on the city and hostel locations. After walking to my first choice of a hostel and finding it was full, I took their advice and checked at City Lodge hostel which had room available. I was able to store my luggage prior to checkin and they had free internet access which proved to be very beneficial. They did have an unexpected policy of no shoes past the main office, but this proved to be more of a curiousity than a nuisance.

Now fully established in the city, I proceeded to the bus stop for the Hop-on Hop-off tour and rode its entire route. This tour included many historic buildings as well as the gamla stan (old city), the wealthy residential area Östermalm, and the recreational island Djurgården. After a brief respite at the hostel to grab my umbrella in case of rain, I proceeded back to the origin bus stop. I then rode through about half of the route again, but disembarked at galma stan. I spent the next while just wandering through the old streets and alleys just enjoying the atmosphere.

I then walked from there to the Stockholm city hall, which, due to work on the building, I could not enter. I was, however, able to enter the courtyard and look out over the water through the park behind the building. Stockholm has numerous parks and at any given one you could find people relaxing or picnicking. Even while walking through the streets surrounded by large buildings like the Åhléns department store and the Sergels Torg square, the city had a very relaxed feel to it.

Day 3:
I awoke early to have breakfast at the hostel. The breakfast consisted of meat and cheese sandwich, hard boiled egg, muesli with yogurt, and coffee. This was the breakfast served at all of the hostels I stayed at in Sweden, Denmark, and the Netherlands. I began to wonder if this was typical germanic breakfast or just typical hostel breakfast... a question I never did resolve.

Due to my bus ticket being valid for only the previous day, I took the chance to walk to djurgården island to go to the Vasa museum. On the way, I was able to spend a few minutes by the harbor and I was able to walk down the parade street, Strandvägen where each building was built with a different look. Just prior to entering the Vasa museum, I admired the façade of the Nordic museum, which time did not allow me to enter.

The Vasa museum itself is utterly fascinating. The Vasa itself was a very showy galleon completed in 1628. The ship was covered in elaborate sculpture which was brightly painted as a show of power of the swedish king. Even the cannonport doors, when opened would show brightly painted lion faces to intimidate the enemy. Ship construction in Sweden at that time was not based on mathematical principles, but on replicating proportions that were known to have worked on other ships. A ship with two cannon decks, however, had not been built there before and so the proportions did not work right. On its maiden voyage, it sat in the bay with its cannonports open and only a few of its sails raised. A slight gust of wind came through and caught the sails and after rocking back and forth a few times, water began to pour into the open cannonports, leading to the sinking of the ship. Because it was a major publicity event, there were many spectators which aided in saving all but about 30 people from onboard the ship. It was a major financial disaster, but in the end it was ruled an accident. In 1956, the ship was located and in 1961 it was raised. Because the water in the bay is not salty enough for the Shipworm to survive and eat the wood of the ship, it was remarkably well preserved and after careful restoration, it now rests in the museum where I saw it.

After looking around the museum for a bit and taking the tour, the tour guide suggested that I watch the video about the history of the Vasa. As I walked with her to find out information on when the next showing of the video was and in what language it would be, I talked to her a bit. If I had lived in Sweden, I think I would have asked her out on a date. For those who know me, this is not something I would typically do... ever. Whether I was less inhibited being away from home or whether I felt comfortable with the idea only because it couldn't actually happen, I don't know. I have often considered that I might be willing to marry if it would provide me with a tangible benefit such as the ability to immigrate to Europe. Without some benefit like that, I honestly don't see what should motivate me to want to marry.

After I finished at the Vasa museum, I dashed around a bit to snap some pictures that I had missed on the bus tour including the outside of the biological museum and the inside of the Klarakerk. I then grabbed my bags at the hostel, bought a baguette at a Pressbyrån, and made my way to the train.

On the train to Malmö, Sweden, I was able to see some of the Swedish countryside which is by and large open fields and farmland. I met a lady on the train who is from southern Sweden but now lives in Zürich, Switzerland. Amongst the other places she has lived are Germany, New Jersey, and Dallas, Texas. I then transferred to another train to take me to Copenhagen. The most notable event of this passage was the crossing of the Øresundsbron, the longest bridge in Europe.

2007-07-20T13:37:00.001-04:00

Due to the fact that the trip report may turn out to be far too long for one post, I'm going to split it into several. That'll give you all the chance to begin reading on it before I manage to complete the entire thing. Because I don't know how the majority of you read this site, I don't know what order you'll see the posts in, so I'm going to try to divide the posts by country. It'll obviously make more sense if read in order, but this method of division should make it work if you don't.

And just to avoid confusion, the days will be offset by 1 from the summary I posted before. My notebook had Day 1 being the first day I was in Sweden. In an effort to accurately categorize how much time the trip took including travel to and from Europe, Day 1 was just waking up, going to the airport, and getting on the flight to Stockholm. Nothing really worthy of note there. Day 2 in this report is what I called Day 1 in the summary.

2007-07-17T21:42:00.000-04:00

What's that they say about the "best laid plans of mice and men"?

Well, life certainly is evidence of that.

The new bid for continental came out and it looks bad for my mom so she pretty much has to transfer to the Houston airport in order to get a position she is physically able to work to continue her employment with Continental. This is of course risky since it will involve relying on flying standby to get to work.

My mom's husband's job isn't working out very well as he simply isn't getting enough business. The commitment to this job, however, has been the major factor requiring my family to continue living in Texas. It is very likely that he will have to find different work in a few weeks. This means that my mother's plan to move to the land they purchased near San Antonio in 5 years as a retirement house may no longer happen. Now, they may stay in this house for stability or they may move in as little as 3-12 months to either Arizona or back to Georgia.

I arrived home from my trip to find that the expected paycheck was not there. Come to find out, my boss claims he never even received the hours. On an overdrawn checking account with impending and late payments on loans and credit cards, they once again created a financial crisis for me which could have been averted if I had been paid on time. Earlier this summer when they were 3 months behind I threatened to quit if they didn't do something about it ASAP. Well, this is the last straw. I have been without health insurance for nearly a year and due to my limited hours, I could make more money a month and get better benefits if I went and got a full-time job at something as menial as fucking wal-mart and besides, I'd get reliable payments and direct deposit. Funny when wal-mart would meet my needs better than doing professional work, but it is true. So, as a result of this last-straw crisis and the continued realization of how shitty my job is, I put in what I'll call a conditional 2 weeks notice. I gave them 3 conditions: direct deposit, to be on payroll or receive a raise so that I can handle the late payments better, and a guaranteed minimum of 30 hours/week year round (no more of this seasonal and varying hours bullshit). They have 2 weeks in which to put together an offer which meets at least those 3 minimum requirements. If they cannot, I terminate employment immediately on the 2 week mark. My boss doesn't seem to have really realized that I'm serious as he keeps requesting major changes in projects rather than trying to wrap things up to a working state and preparing it for the next person if they can't meet my requirements (which I seriously doubt they will). Oh well, he'll be worse off for it I guess.

So, where is my family going to end up? I don't know. If they move, will I go with them to wherever they go or will I find myself somewhere more permanent? I don't know. Who will I work for in 2-3 weeks from now? I don't know. Will I be able to pay my bills? I sure as hell hope so, but really, I don't know.

2007-07-15T12:13:00.000-04:00

For those who noticed my frequent status updates about location and care to know more, I'll post here a quick summary of my trip. Note that this summary only includes major things I saw, not things I saw in passing. For those interested in more detail, I plan to write that up over the next week or so and can send it out upon request.

Day 1:
Travel to Arlanda airport in Stockholm, Sweden via Newark, New Jersey

Day 2:
Take the Hop on-hop off bus tour of Stockholm
Gamla stan
City hall

Day 3:
Vasa museum
Klarakerk
Train to København, Denmark via Malmö, Sweden

Day 4:
Red, Yellow, and Green lines of Hop on-hop off bus in København.
City Hall tower tour
Møget

Day 5:
Church of Our Lady
Gefion fountain
St. Alban's church
Kastellet
Christiansborg reception rooms
Ruins of Absalon's castle
Christiania

Day 6:
Train to Haarlem, Netherlands via Hamburg, Germany, Osnabrück, Germany, and Amsterdam, Netherlands

Day 7:
Go back into Amsterdam
Rijksmuseum
Relaxing stroll around the town with no intent to see anything in particular since I'd been to A'dam last year

Day 8:
Train to Paris via Rosendaal, Netherlands and Brussels, Belgium

Day 9:
Eiffel Tower
Louvre
Arc de Triomphe
Notre Dame

Day 10:
Versailles
Trianons

Day 11:
Meet up with my family who arrive at Paris airport
Spend a lot of time trying to figure things out as my family arrived with absolutely nothing planned...
Eiffel Tower

Day 12:
Arc de Triomphe
Opera House
Notre Dame
Outside of Louvre
Overnight bus to Barcelona, Spain

Day 13:
Once again, waste a lot of time due to family not having planned...
Plaça Espanya

Day 14:
Plaça Espanya
Poble Espanyol
Sagrada Familia
Beach (which, being a spur of the moment thing rather than a planned thing, I was unable to participate in due to being dressed completely wrong for a beach)
Columbus statue

Day 15:
Fly to Sevilla
Need I say planning again...
Walk the town at night

Day 16:
Outside of bullfighting arena
Outside of Sevilla Cathedral
Walk of the town
Bus to Algeciras, Spain
Ferry to Tanger, Morocco
Hotel in the medina

Day 17:
Train to Marrakech, Morocco via Sidi Kacem

Day 18:
View a Riad more expensive than the one we stayed in
Majorelle gardens
Pavillon de Menara
Outside of Koutoubia Mosque (non-muslims not permitted to enter)
Handicraft center
Hold monkeys at Djemma El Fna
Ride camels at the Palmeraie
El Bahia palace
Herboriste shop
Djemma El Fna in the evening

Day 19:
Ourika Valley
* Atlas Mountains
* Algane oil co-op
Fly to Madrid, Spain

Day 20:
Fly to Austin, TX via Newark, NJ

2007-07-15T11:59:00.000-04:00

So I'm finally back from my trip. In the next post, I'll copy the summary I pasted to facebook. This post is more of a rant...

So, before even moving to my mom's house in Texas, I repeatedly expressed my biggest concern with the idea and was also repeatedly assured it wouldn't be a problem. That issue is the issue of the sanctity of my private space and property.

Before I left on my trip, I asked several times whether I needed to make my room presentable or whether it would be used while I was gone. My sister was coming into town and I didn't know if they'd need the room. I was told no, the room would not be used.

So, when our flight arrives in Austin, I find out that instead of my mom's husband coming to pick us up, we are driving ourselves home.... in my car which my mother took to the airport without asking me. To add insult to injury, she didn't even follow my rules about the car... she left it unlocked with the keys inside like she does with her car. It may have been in the employee parking lot, but locking the doors is still a big thing to me. When we got in, I complained about all the trash that she left in my car. Her response was that I shouldn't be complaining because every time she uses my car she has to take trash out of it that I leave. Once again I feel violated because I don't want her to touch anything in my car... she may well throw out papers and such that she thinks are trash that aren't. So then, halfway home she asks me to drive and she sits in the passenger seat where she proceeds to put her feet on my dashboard. I told her no and she told me that's what she always does. I replied firmly, "not in my car you don't"

Then, I arrive home and go up to my room. I knew that they had needed to use my room because while I was gone the wireless internet had had problems. Okay, fine, that's excusable, but... they didn't even put things back in place after they were done with the internet. They also moved large amounts of my things in the room and left enough of their things in the room that I made a sizeable heap in the hallway once I had carried all of their stuff out. Not to mention the dozens of candy wrappers strewn about the floor... or the fact that they had opened and consumed nearly a full pack of my gum. The presence of 3 empty toilet paper rolls in the trash can of the bathroom indicates fairly heavy traffic in my room as well (I always save the empty rolls for the gerbils, not trash them). They even edited and changed my god damn channel list on the satellite. It's easier to switch to another list than to edit one so what the fuck?

Oh yeah, and on another topic, I sent in the hours for May to my boss over a month ago and when I got home there was no check waiting for me here. My mom made me overdraw my bank account and miss a student loan payment while I was on the trip and I have another credit card payment due in three days.... which I obviously can't pay without that check. Now, either my family managed to lose my check around here, in which case I'm irritated at them, or else work still hasn't sent the bloody thing... and if that is the case then I'll be god damned if I don't put in my 2 weeks notice tomorrow!

2007-06-25T04:56:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm starting the trip in Stockholm, Sweden. I intend to be here (I arrived this morning) until tomorrow when I will go to Copenhagen, Denmark. At some point I want to hit Amsterdam and Paris after that and then I will meet my mom in Spain. Further details as I know them. Now, time to go see what I can of Stockholm in the short time I have here...

2007-06-23T17:29:00.000-04:00

Just for the record, I'm hopefully leaving for an international trip in the next couple of days. I don't know exactly where I'll be going yet, but it's Europe. I will have just under a week to do my own thing before I'll meet up with my mom and sisters in Spain to see some of her old mission tromping grounds. More info as it comes available. :)

2007-06-12T06:52:00.000-04:00

Effective now, my blog is accessible at http://www.anthelion.org in addition to its current http://anthelion.blogspot.com. The former actually forwards to the latter, but may be easier to remember.

With this change, I also have the email accounts michael@anthelion.org and rachel@anthelion.org set up for the blog.

Note: I do not own and am not affiliated with anthelion.com, anthelion.net, etc. I only have anthelion.org

2007-06-11T14:35:00.000-04:00

A lot of times when I have dreams I can identify something from that day or other recent events that inspired the dream. Other times I have no idea where it came from. The latter is the case with last night.

I dreamt that Kenneth came over to my house to hangout and while he was there I decided to kill him. However, rather than physical means, I went to a machine and pressed a red button and it killed him and then stored his remains in a zip file on a computer. For about two weeks, the police and his family searched for him to no avail (obviously) and I remained quiet. There was obviously little chance that they would just catch me since there weren't even any physical remains to be had... they were all just in a file in the computer. I began to wonder whether they would still track me down and find some bullshit way to convict me circumstantially since my house was the last place anyone knew him to be. Then I started going a little bit crazy and wondered what would happen if I just deleted his remains file on the computer.... would it just disappear or was the file really a sort of place holder and deleting it would release his remains back into the real world? Or... had he even really existed? I mean, really, you can't digitize somebody's dead body into a file which can be recognized as someone's remains, right? So, at the end of the couple of weeks or so, I turned myself in. The police, however, released me because a confession is not enough and I had no reasonable evidence to show them. Even those who did believe I had killed him couldn't accept the file as evidence and so I was released without harsh words. And then I woke up.

2007-05-27T08:15:00.000-04:00

Oh, right, it helps a lot if I explain later in a post why I would start it with a weird sentence. The night before Kenneth's graduation, instead of getting drunk or partying like tradition holds we should have, Kenneth, Matt, and I were making up sentences based as entirely on band names as we could. That was the only one I came up with the whole night...

2007-05-27T04:52:00.000-04:00

"Alice in Chains stroked her velvet revolver while the slow children at play used sex pistols on the marcy playground."

So, on 7 May, after being back from Utah for less than 24 hours I was on another flight, this time to Asheville, North Carolina. I arrived without incident and proceeded to Kenneth's dorm where we drank some but we were clever enough to drink slowly so that we stayed sober while Kenneth got drunk and amused us..... okay, okay, the staying sober part wasn't intentional, but somehow it happened.

The following night, Kenneth and I hopped in his car and hit the road for Knoxville, TN. The drive was a bit windy but quite pretty overall. When we arrived in Knoxville, I must admit I was a bit impressed. Somehow my brain had confused Knoxville with Fort Knox... which is in fucking Kentucky, not Tennessee... so what I had expected was some super-security, suit-people kind of town. Instead, we found a slightly run down, but old town with some personality. I was actually a bit entranced and wished that we had gotten there earlier so we could see around a bit, but given the time, it was necessary to find parking for our concert. Afterall, that was the entire reason I flew to North Carolina. We walked up to the venue, which I fucking adored. It was a two-story bar that holds 500-600 people and it has a gated courtyard outside. In the courtyard are trees, a disco ball against one of the buildings, an old fashioned phone booth, and tables to sit at. The whole place, both inside and out, reminded me of nothing less than the romantic notions of New Orleans that I have in my head. It was one of those romantic dirty kinds of feel rather than a grungy dirty feel. The first two bands were Stolen Babies and In This Moment. I'd never heard of either before, but enjoyed both performances. Stolen Babies even had an accordion. How cool is that? The band we went there to see, Within Temptation was next. With one exception, their performance was wonderful. The one exception was that in a song that on the CD has a guest vocalist, they used a recording of him rather than having someone else sub in the part. We felt honoured to be present at a show on their first american tour and grateful that we wouldn't have to scrape up the money to attend one of their shows in europe, as amazing as that would be. Following them was Lacuna Coil. One thing they definitely had going for them was a strong, very aggressive stage presence right from the start. The tour was meant to highlight some of the women in metal (the lead singers of all 4 bands are female), so it got on our nerves a bit when the male singer in Lacuna Coil acted a bit like he was trying to hog the show. One thing they did a lot in their show was to build up a lot of energy with their songs and then just jam a bit instrumentally to let everyone bask in the energy a bit. Kenneth found these segments boring, but I found them neat and wished that I knew how to experience what many people in the front of the crowd were experiencing.

Another event on the trip was that we took a 22-mile stretch of the Blue Ridge Parkway up to Mt. Mitchell, the highest point in the eastern US. At the beginning of the drive to the parkway itself, we had to leave the paved road and go up a very windy gravel road. While a bit unnerving at the turns, it was kind of exciting. Looking at our mile marker, we began to wonder if we'd taken a wrong turn, but this windy road was interesting enough that we decided to continue regardless of where it spit us out. To our good luck, it was, afterall, the correct road and dumped us back on pavement and the blue ridge parkway. I was glad Kenneth was driving because I rather enjoyed the scenery and probably would have given us both a spectacular death by accidentally driving off of the edge of a mountain just to get a good look if I'd been driving. When we reached the top of the mountain, we were buried in clouds, but it was neat to see how fast they move as they wrapped around the building. On the way back, we stopped at several overlooks. At one of them I convinced Kenneth that it was worth our time to hike up a 0.7 mile trail that I found. I was primarily interested in it because we got to walk through some plants that to me looked like they had tiny bananas growing all over them. Kenneth couldn't see how they looked like bananas and only conceded they looked like anything else when I reduced it from bananas to green beans. They were kind of like this. We got to a split to a lower overlook and a higher one and, not being one content to settle, I insisted upon the higher one. When we got to the top it was well worth it and we were both damning ourselves for not owning cameras and not thinking to buy even a disposable one. We got a nice 360 degree panoramic view of mountains and valleys. On the way back down, we visited the lower overlook too... the higher one was indeed far superior.

The last major event in North Carolina was Kenneth's graduation from UNC-A. We worried that it might rain, but were lucky to avoid that. The commencement speakers were good, definitely better than the political bore that spoke at mine, but I did tend to wonder how their speeches were at all related to graduates rather than just talking about themselves. After graduation, we helped Kenneth move his things out and had dinner with his family.

I then road back to Georgia with Matt through the rain. While there I got to finally see Andrew's house, which despite being relatively small, is plenty big enough for the two of them and I no longer feel any need to rag on their choice. ;) I also got to see Jeremy again and meet his girlfriend. I would have gotten to see Greg and Miranda again, but they decided they were too good for me and left to go back towards Florida a few hours before I got to Georgia. ;) (you know I love you guys)

Now that sleeping pill I took an hour ago is killing me off as you can see from the increasing amounts of time crammed into tinier paragraphs so I'm going to bed since I gotta be up in 3.5 hours...

2007-05-22T02:35:00.000-04:00

Imagine a good LSD trip. If you haven't had one like I haven't then just imagine what you think it would be like. Now, peel it off of the inside of your eyelids and project it onto a stage. I don't just mean the backdrop of a stage. I mean take a white stage... floor, backdrop, everything and project the acid trip images onto the whole damn thing. Slow moving clouds, starry fields with planets floating back and forth, fast changing images of shapes and forms and diagrams and patterns and kaleidoscopes and unicellular organisms, etc. Now take a band and put them on this trippy stage we've created. Have them play some intense music and just for kicks, throw in some lasers. The band didn't have much stage presence themselves because they wanted to appear more as shadow forms against this amazing visual backdrop rather than taking the center of attention themselves. That's the show I saw tonight. That's Tool. They were my favourite band before and I'll be damned if they haven't cemented that place for a while. I drove to San Antonio to see them and god I wish Corpus Christi wasn't so far away from here or I'd more than likely try to see them again. I'm still trying to talk myself out of considering flying to Atlanta again in a couple of weeks to catch their show again there. It's impossible to describe what an experience that show is.

For those that haven't been to a Tool concert and are unable to experience the wonder themselves, I've googled around to find some images from other shows they've done that are similar to what I saw to give you a taste of it.

Images:
Many Images
One background
Several Images
4 pictures (have to skip 11 pictures after the first one to find the rest... worth the scroll)
Lasers

Videos:
Audio isn't that great on most of these and you may want to skip through a bit to get a feel for them rather than watching the entirety of every video.

Shows full stage projections
Jambi - shows several backgrounds
Wings for Marie Pt. II - main song to use lasers
Rosetta Stoned - blurry, but good visuals especially beginning at 1:05 and fast changing beginning at 1:23
The Pot - probably best quality of visuals out of the vids in this list [Edit 22May: link was wrong]
Stinkfist - visualizations primarily from music video for the song

P.S. If, by any chance anyone reading this has both done acid and gone to a Tool concert, I'd love to know whether my comparing the two is anywhere near accurate since I've never done acid myself. Comments by anyone who has done acid and takes the time to look at the pictures and/or videos would be informative as the second best.

2007-04-30T13:33:00.000-04:00

Last night my brother in law's brother (is there a term for that?) who is originally from Oregon told me that I am the only true nonconformist he has ever met and contrasted me to all of the people who claim to be nonconformists but really just conform to an alternate group. I thought that was quite a cool compliment.

2007-04-12T12:13:00.000-04:00

R.I.P. Slate

Wow, two R.I.P. posts in a row. Aren't we jolly lately?

This time, the journeyer was a little closer to me. It was my gerbil Slate, the most playful of the whole bunch. He was they grey male from the second litter. I found him lying on the floor of his house, rigor mortis not even set in yet, but the breath from his body and the light in his eyes both gone. There were no signs of injury to implicate the cat or the other gerbils. He will be missed.

2007-04-11T23:35:00.000-04:00

R.I.P. Kurt Vonnegut

2007-04-11T20:43:00.000-04:00

Well, arguments with my mother over this living situation are growing more frequent and I'm starting to wonder how much longer it can last. The problem is, however, that I had a very narrow (i.e. a few weeks long) window in which I could have done a real move. That window is long past and I can't afford to move now even if I did have a job waiting for me, especially now that work has cut my hours down to 20 hours/week. Problem is that only some of the problems I'm having here have to do with living with family. A number of them would be problems no matter who I lived with. I'm used to and much prefer living by myself where these things are not a problem. My mom claimed that by moving here I'd have fewer worries and so would be able to concentrate more on the whole moving on with my life thing. Dear god! I have so many more things to worry about here than I did there, it's fucking ridiculous. I should have just stayed in Athens.

Taxes are due in 4 days, I'm going to owe about $1600, and my February work check has still not arrived. Without it I can't even pay my fucking taxes. Did they send it to the Athens address and it get lost in the forwarding? Did it get here and someone who picked up the mail lost it around the house? Is it still en route? Who knows! If it doesn't come in time then this will be the third time this job has caused me a major financial problem. Unfortunately, my flight benefits will run out in either May or August and I'd like to use them while I can so finding a second job or replacement job is not an option since finding one that would offer the flexibility on time that I need that the current one offers is, well, completely impossible. I've considered temp agencies, but the two temp jobs I've had before only paid $7/hour and were the most mind-numbing and boring work I've ever done. 'Course with the reduced hours I can't really afford to travel anyway!

AAAAHHHHHH!!!!

2007-04-02T15:27:00.001-04:00

Ack, I forgot one thing in my last post. Erik and I also attended a small portion of the Forty Acres Fest held at the University of Texas in Austin. While we apparently arrived too late for the booths and activities, we got a chance to walk around the campus a little bit and to see several of the musical acts that night. I discovered that the campus is really beautiful there and that it warrants additional visits to see it some more. Whenever I wanted to go to downtown Athens at night, parking at the university was the cheapest (i.e. free) choice and was close to where things went on, so perhaps I can work out a similar arrangement here to see a little bit more of the happenings in Austin. That night, Little Richard played, though we didn't stay for his entire performance because Erik got bored during it. Had I been alone I probably would have stuck around to hear the rest despite it not being quite my style of music. It was funny to see the way he behaved though. He came on stage with crutches and announced at one point that he is almost 75, yet still made numerous statements about how pretty he was. He also stopped at one point for about 10 minutes to complain about the piano and ask if they had another and refused to continue until they fixed something about it which send the crew into a flurry of action trying to get the problem fixed so that he would be willing to continue. Erik and I wondered if he was senile, intoxicated, or just spoiled.

2007-04-02T14:32:00.000-04:00

I'm happy to announce that I'm still surviving my period of exile to Texas.

My brother, Erik has been in town for the past couple of weeks so that has taken up a significant amount of my time since he spends nearly all of the day (and much of the night and early morning...) playing Final Fantasy XI on his computer in my room. It is fun to spend time with him in the world of Vana'diel, but I don't think I would have the time or the patience to play it myself.

I've also continued to discover that Texas isn't as ugly as I had imagined it would be. It may well just be that I ended up in a better area of it or it may be that I actually was just deceived by stereotypes. My mom continues to think it is ugly simply because it isn't Georgia. To me, the most interesting thing about Texas has been its blend of east and west. I'll see stores or plants or architecture that I would expect to see in the eastern states intermingled with other items I'd expect to see in the western states.

One thing that I found in Texas that I like is the overpasses. They are gigantic. In addition, they often split and merge while up high in the air. They also tend to make nice looking columns to hold them up rather than just concrete slabs. Driving through and seeing these massive structures always makes me feel like I am in a movie or some futuristic landscape. I've discovered that while I don't always agree with the american mantra that bigger is better, I do find myself impressed when architectural structures are formidable in size.

Another Texas sight you can't miss even if you try in the spring is the abundance of bluebonnets growing along the roads. Sometimes you wonder if there are more bluebonnets than grass in some patches.

As one of the few activities that we've managed to pull Erik away from his game to do, we went to the Cameron Park Zoo in Waco on saturday. We were a bit rushed due to getting out late, but had an enjoyable time. On our way out, we passed the squirrel monkey area again and all of the monkeys had been taken inside. When a squirrel ran across the tarp above us, Erik excitedly blurted out "a monkey!", apparently thinking that one of the monkeys had gotten out.

While driving back through Waco (which we were calling wacko for fun), my head did a double take as I almost thought I figured out why they were so wacko. I saw a building that said Waco ISD Administration Building. It took me a second to remember that ISD stands for Independent School District. Afterall, the word "administration" has two very different meanings when used with "ISD" or with "LSD".

2007-03-15T14:32:00.000-04:00

I had a couple of very bizarre dreams last night. In the dreams, I make reference to two specific companies. I have no idea why those in particular and I was tempted to leave them out of this report since they seem so out of place, but that's how they happened in the dream, so I'll include them.

1. In the first one, my mother and I went to New York City to visit a relative of hers. We got there at night so some of the main entrances in the building were closed off so my mother went ahead to get us in while I waited. I went up to Kenneth's apartment to wait since apparently he lived in the building as well. After a few minutes she called and gave me vague directions how to get to their apartment. Apparently the building was designed in such a way that to get to our relative's apartment, there was no door, but somehow you had to drop in from above. I saw a square hole in Kenneth's wall and thought perhaps it wasn't coincidental and I squeezed under the bed and crawled until half of my body was into the hole, where I discovered it was just a small chamber with some trash inside. Squeezing back out was more difficult than squeezing in had been. I then left his apartment to try looking for where else the entrance might be. I took the elevator to the top floor, which was actually the roof, to see if I could start at the top and move down. Up there were a bunch of people just perambulating around like zombies, but they were actually homeless people. I tried to walk through unnoticed, but one particular lady kept bothering me and trying to bargain a price to buy the nice blankets and bedding that I was carrying around, but I kept refusing to sell since I needed them to sleep on when I found the relative's apartment. I kept exploring and discovered that in the center of the roof was a ramp that went down to the next floor down and then back up again, almost like a parking garage. Eventually I took the elevator back down to another floor. I was a bit scared and frustrated at this point so I called Kenneth's phone to get directions back to his apartment which I had managed to forget the location of as well, but he was off at a club somewhere and wasn't going to be back for a while. He seemed to be oblivious to my panicked state. I then looked over and saw a green form, not quite physical, almost like an ethereal jello. As I approached it to see what it was, it began to unfold into some kind of beast standing on two legs. At that point I either fainted or was knocked out. When I woke up, I was in some sort of dirty industrial works. I had apparently been tortured by having my body submerged in a series of hot foods from Wendy's. The workers matter-of-factly told me that I had been given the harshest treatment they had seen given there. I was then transferred to another area of their facility which in contrast to the torture area, was clean and well lit and was more of a spa and salon. In this place the workers were very kind and took care of me to heal me from all of my wounds. I saw other people I knew around and they said that this whole facility wasn't about torture, but about a sort of purification by fire. During the healing procedure, they feminized my body, but the dream faded out before I saw to what extent.

2. My dad and I were in a giant shipyard with docks and small ships as far as the eye could see. My dad was talking about businesses and how Wachovia had behaved so strategically spending so little money that they were able to put competitors out of business or reduced them in size because the competitors spent so much that they couldn't profit at the low prices competition forced them to sell at. As evidence he pointed out the ships of each of the companies. Most were small to mid-size ships, but the Wachovia ship was a titanic beast. For some reason, it was resting in the middle on something so that it wasn't fully in the water and one end was sticking up in the air. My dad was convinced that it would fit in a particular water channel. We then began a strange exercise and it is difficult to know whether to interpret it as a physical action or a mental exercise. He began to describe hypothetically the movement and placing of the ship into the location he proposed and I asked questions about the destruction of smaller ships and docks that it would take to get it there. However, during all of this hypothetical talk, we actually went over to the ship, he grabbed the front of it, and started pulling it through the motions as easily as if it were a child's wagon. In the process, it ran over smaller docks and ships as my questions rolled forth, but he dismissed them as insignificant because of their relative size. He kept talking about the width of the water channels as if they were train track sizes and I had no idea what he was talking about or how he could estimate the widths so quickly. At one point we ran across a circus parade complete with small elephants. We had to stop the parade to get them out of our way to move the ship. We then approached an old wooden bridge and my dad said that the ship should fit through it and started pulling it through. The bridge was wide enough and tall enough for the first little bit of the ship, but not for the rest. I was worried that it was going to break fragile pieces of the ship off, but he said no, the ship would just break the top of the bridge off instead. During this discussion, the circus parade arrived again and started to cross the bridge. My dad, a bit irritated, ran back to tell the person in charge of the parade to stay out of our way while I ran forward to stop the lead elephant. Apparently to stop them, you grab the tip of their trunk and tell them to stop and they do. I then put my head on the shoulder of the elephant and hugged it (I told you it was a small elephant) to keep it from trying to go forward further.

2007-03-13T16:23:00.000-04:00

Am I still alive you all may be wondering. I guess the answer is now self-evidently yes unless I've died, not realized it, and yet still found a way to tap into the internet from beyond the grave. You can guess which is more likely.

Only two major things have happened since my last post...

I. Connecticut visit
I flew to Hartford under the pretext of interviewing for a job with Enterprise Rent-a-Car. I rented a car from Enterprise (hey, might as well see what the job does if I'm applying for it, no?) and stayed cheap in a Motel 6. I explored around a bit in the car and was surprised at just how rural it gets not far out of the city. Most of the town really are fairly small. The city, however, was a bit different. While it did not give off quite the same big city vibe as something like New York or Atlanta, it definitely had a city personality that Athens doesn't have. To me, Athens is a vast improvement over Peachtree City but I discovered that in reality Athens and Peachtree City have much more in common than Athens does to any "real" city. As I drove through various areas of the city, I discovered that I really don't know anything about how to evaluate which areas are safe and which areas are not and which areas are desirable and which are not. I also definitely got a feel for the whole industrial north vs. agricultural south thing. Those titles aren't exactly the best to use since they aren't very accurate, but somehow I mean to say that there is a distinctly different feel to the north than there is to the south. I don't know if it is the weather or the architecture or what it is though, but I tended to feel that the cold-north,warm-south stereotype (in more ways than weather) was validated despite the people being plenty nice. I really can't describe the difference. Perhaps there isn't really one but just the south feels more comfortable to me since it is home. I also got dinner with someone that I had met on an airplane years ago that lives up there and checked out the state employment office.

Conclusion: I'm not quite as entranced with the idea of CT as much anymore, but I'm still leaving it in the possibilities.

II. Texas move
After several assorted trips of various sizes to Peachtree City throughout the month, on 28 February, the last day of my lease, I left Athens. I spent that morning doing last minute packing (including the animals which couldn't go in the night before) and pre-move errands. I left at about 11:15AM EST and traveled through Atlanta to Alabama to Mississippi to Lousiana to Texas and arrived at 2:00AM CST/3:00AM EST. The drive was long, but I found it interesting how different the scenery was in each state. Alabama was far hillier and prettier than I had expected. Mississippi had stronger/deeper colours, but was overall scruffier, both man-made (e.g. litter) and natural (dirt/rock formations, trees). Louisiana was marshy and flat and very sparsely populated. By the time I got to Texas, it was dark, but you can guess what it would have looked like. ;)
Other events from the drive... the vibration of the car kept draining the animal's water bottles so they weren't too happy with it. The bridge over the Mississippi river sneaks up on you and is huge. The bridge that the train goes on over the river looks cooler than the one that the cars go on. When I was driving through Shreveport I almost felt like I was in Las Vegas because of the amount of casinos/advertising for casinos.
I discovered that if I were ever to move to one of the southern states that I drove through I would have at least one major issue..... the radio sucks. I couldn't find any really good stations once I got out of range of the Atlanta stations. If I managed to find an okay one and then took a phone call, then by the time I got off the phone and turned the radio back on I was in new stations and literally every single time I turned the radio back on, the new station on the frequency that my old station was on was always a country station. For one part of the drive I listened to a show where the host was talking about black history month and interviewed Michael Eric Dyson.
So, since my arrival in Texas, I've been working on settling in. The city here (Georgetown) is smaller even than Peachtree City and it definitely shows. I've managed to locate the wal-mart, grocery store (HEB), and a good walking path which I believe is associated with San Gabriel park (which I have yet to visit). I drove through the historical downtown area which is relatively small like the one in Athens, but it was interesting to see the distinctly Texan architecture.
This past friday, we (my mother, her husband, my sister, and I) took a driving trip down to Austin to see what we could find to do there. We checked out a place called Spider House Café which I found to be interesting due to its very thematized look, however, I would tend to get bored there pretty quickly if I went alone and I'm very much not the type of person that will just invite myself to someone else's table to meet people. We drove through some of the areas that are supposed to be the big places for things to go on at night and found them all basically deserted. It is possible that we simply weren't there late enough for the night life to begin, but overall we didn't find a whole lot to explain why people like Austin so much.
As far as whether the reasons I moved to Texas have actually played out.... overall no. I don't find myself in possession of any more time than I had in Athens since I still have to work and sleep. In fact, I may have less time since I'm now obligated to spend more time with family and to pitch in on projects to earn my keep. I don't have any fewer worries and in fact have more. Since the room I'm in has storage things in it as well, there have been numerous times that the room has been invaded when I wasn't in it to get things out and people tend to invite themselves in to talk and whatnot. I think I have them trained to knock for the most part, but that doesn't prevent their entry once I answer so I am basically forced to keep both myself and the room publicly presentable at all times, which was certainly not the case at my apartment. Due to the number of cars here, my car is very often blocked in and so leaving is more difficult unless I feel like shuffling another car around in order to get mine out. I have barely even begun the refridgerator battle and my mom doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to just contribute groceries that I buy for my use to the collective use. I guess she doesn't understand that the grocery items I would be buying would tend to be more expensive and better tasting than the cheapskate stuff that she buys and so it would be eaten up quickly since most meals here are "fend for yourself." I'm supposed to be saving money on groceries and simply supplementing what I need that they don't buy, but I would end up being a supplier to the family and would not end up saving any money on groceries at all and would potentially lose more on it. As far as having more resources.... the dirt is terrible and my mother put me in charge of the garden and then completely planned it out herself in pots so it leaves little option for me to grow my own things or do any sort of planning on it. There is a trampoline here which will be good though and it is fun to be able to go out on the roof from the window.

Conclusion: Texas isn't as bad as I thought it was and will have a few perks, but other than saving money, life will be no easier or more restful here than it was in Athens and I will be subject to other limitations and irritations.

2007-02-12T23:22:00.000-05:00

I try not to post non-original content here, but I can't help myself this time. I saw the movie Dark Star today and thought the ending was hilarious.

Video: Part 1 + Part 2
Text: Here

2007-02-04T14:36:00.000-05:00

Okay, I finally got around to typing up a little report of graduation and christmas. Since I have neither the time nor the desire to retype it all for this audience, I'm going to just copy-paste from the email I wrote it in. It was written to a friend who does not know really much of anything about my other friends and family, so if anyone needs clarification on any of the less specific references, just comment away.

Graduation was a terribly busy and messy time. Despite all of the
stress with finals, I took some time to straighten up my apartment a
bit since my mother and her friend would be staying with me. They
arrived the day of my last final, Sanskrit, and by the time they
arrived I still had a few more hours before the exam, but I felt that
those hours of studying would do me little good as I felt that
realistically I had stuffed into my head as much knowledge as would
fit given the time constraints, so I decided to show them around the
town a bit. They dropped me off on campus about 30 minutes before the
final so that I would have time to cram a bit in hopes that just a
little more would stick just long enough to get it onto the paper. I
ended up leaving probably 60% of the test blank, but conversations
with others and past experience with the professor's finals indicated
that this was about average.

The next day was graduation itself. My mother's friend had a doctor's
appointment in Peachtree City to make, but had wanted to at least see
me and the town a bit despite not being able to attend the ceremony,
but she dropped us off anyway so that we wouldn't have to deal with
parking. They tried to convince me to don the robe before even walking
in noting that everyone else had theirs on, but I had no intention of
doing so and did not. I walked in and tried to assess the situation
which turned out to be two otherwise unorganized lines, one for B.S.
and one for B.A. I could find no one in charge, so I began walking
down and scanning the line for people I knew, including one girl who
had lamented in class weeks earlier that my last name was so disparate
from her own, stating that she wanted to at least sit near someone she
knew. I allowed her to catch me up a little more on what was going on,
and upon hearing that it was not alphabetical afterall, I put the robe
on and hopped in line with her and another friend she had found. I had
to run back out and locate my mother so that she could hold the book
(Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk) I had brought in not knowing whether the
wait would be long. She ended up beginning the book herself and
finished reading it later that night.

One interesting anecdote is something that happened with my parents.
My mother found a seat and saved a seat for my father. My father,
meanwhile, had chosen his own seat completely on the other side of the
stage completely unaware that my mother had saved him a seat
elsewhere. I think that he would have preferred it that way even if he
had known.

The graduation ceremony itself was okay. The student chosen to speak
gave an interesting enough speech, but the main speaker I didn't care
so much for. That he was a politician shone through clearly as his
speech referenced often work he was doing in politics that had nothing
to do with us. In the middle of his speech, the girl I was sitting
with asked me if he was campaigning.

After the ceremony, we called my dad to meet up with him and took the
obligatory pictures. We had some trouble with the camera, but
hopefully at least some of them will have turned out. When I get a
chance, I'll try to enclose a printed copy of one or two of those in
addition to some China pictures which I've finally had time to start
to sort through. We then made our way to the parking lot whence began
the second parental anecdote. My mother had been informed prior to
even leaving the apartment that there was not enough room in my dad's
car for her to get a ride home from him. Background on that: my dad
completed flight training some months ago and has been working at a
flight school in Alabama and going home to Georgia on the weekends. He
is hoping to get a flying job soon and so has begun bringing all but
the basic living essentials back to Georgia and during this trip, the
trunk and backseat were packed with boxes. So, my mom started trying
to rearrange his things despite there clearly being no room. She tried
to argue that she could squeeze in somewhere if she made room which
was clearly impossible as both my father and I tried to tell her. In
addition, my father is rather law abiding when it comes to things like
seat belts and speed limits. My father only had a few hours which he
could stay for before he had to drive back to Eastman (4 hours away)
to do more work on the tiles of a house that he and his wife are
trying to sell. Given my limited time with my father who I don't see
too often, this growing delay was bothering me and I tried to make
that known, but to little effect. I gave her the apartment key,
directions to the bus stop, and information about what route to take
and where to get off. None of us had change, so I tried to tell her
where an ATM was, but she just harrumphed and said she would beg for
change, which I suppose she must have done.

I took him on a shortened version of the tour that I gave to my mother
and her friend the day prior and then we went to lunch. Upon hearing
that he had never tried Indian food, I tried to convince him to do so,
but not in the mood for a risk, we opted for a chinese restaurant that
I like as well. We then went back to the apartment which he saw
briefly after which he had to leave. I then took my mother to a park
that I like here which also contains a small zoo of sorts and we had a
nice time, especially watching the bear and otters. The following day
I had to drive her to the airport and being so close to Peachtree
City, I spent the rest of the weekend there, but nothing particularly
eventful happened there.

So, fast-forward a few days. My mother's talk of convincing me to go
to Pennsylvania resumed and now that school was out of the way and
christmas was nearly upon us, I could no longer put off the
consideration and I agreed to go. The night before I was to leave, we
looked at the flight loads and none of them looked kindly at all. I
would have to get up at 3AM to get to the airport in time to try for
the "best" flight and even it looked bad. We considered other airlines
such as Delta which would have cost about $50 each way for a standby
ticket. Upon hearing this, I did some calculations and noted that it
would barely cost more than that to simply drive it instead of fly and
then I wouldn't have to wake up early or worry about flight loads on
the way up or back.

Despite having ridden that drive many times years ago, my sense of
distance was severely impaired. Had I been fully cognizant that the
projected 636mi/10h 17m distance/time actually is really long, I may
not have agreed so willingly to drive it. To compound my problems,
right after I loaded everything into the car, I managed to lock my
keys in the car. After a runaround trying to get an apartment key that
worked from the office to retrieve my spare car key from the
apartment, I discovered that the spare key is only the key to start
the car, not to open the doors (my uncle, who owned the car before,
had had lock problems and had only replaced some of them so it takes a
different key to open the door than to start the car). So, I used the
phone at the leasing office (mine was in the car) to phone my
insurance company to have them send someone to open the car. After
waiting some time in the leasing office, a police officer came in on
other business. When he finished that, the office workers explained my
situation and he was able to get it open with only a little damage to
the rubber padding on the door, so I canceled the man from the
insurance company who hadn't arrived yet anyway.

The drive up until about Charlotte, NC wasn't particularly bad, but I
hit rush hour traffic on the north side of Charlotte and it was dark
by the time I got through it. My little sister and I talked on the
phone on and off the rest of the way through the huge expanse of
Virginia and the short hops of West Virginia, Maryland, and the bit of
Pennsylvania I had to go through.

Our stay in Pennsylvania was nice for the most part. My grandfather
was nicer and a little bit less restrictive than he had been in
previous years which was a welcome change and my grandmother was nice
as always. My aunt, uncle, and cousins came up christmas day which
actually turned out to be rather awkward. It had been many, many years
since we had seen them and both they and we had changed significantly.
The only one I had any sort of real conversation with at all was my
uncle and even that was brief. I don't think there was even a single
word of dialogue between my cousin and I despite our having been
decent enough friends as kids on visits up there. They arrived just in
time for the meal which was followed by presents time followed by an
obligatory group photo after which they left.

I brought my little sisters back with me on the drive back to Georgia
and we got out a bit earlier so more of the drive was in the light. I
had previously felt that Virginia was long and boring, but upon seeing
it in the light, I amended my feeling to be that it is simply long,
but not boring. I still hold, however, the opinion that South Carolina
is both long and boring. After spending a night at my apartment so
that I could care for the animals and refresh their supplies, we went
to Peachtree City where I dropped them off with friends who they would
be staying with.

The only event of that stay that was supposed to be eventful was the
traditional new years party. The "party" turned out to be anything but
a party. When I arrived at the house, I walked in to find dead silence
and each person playing a separate video game. The only changes from
this routine all night was that eventually it broke down to 2-3 groups
of people congregated around each video game watching one person play
each, a 5 minute break from the games to watch the ball drop at
midnight on TV, and a short interlude to watch the neighbours set off
a few small fireworks.

Since then, my time has been spent working and trying to get things in
order. I've gone through most everything in my apartment including the
few stacks of papers I had lying around. I packed up several boxes of
things to take to Peachtree City for long-term storage and delivered
those a couple weekends ago. Now I'm slowly packing things and going
through the few remaining items in addition to trying to use up
expendable items so that I won't have to pack them.

2007-01-29T09:52:00.000-05:00

So, the more I learn about this whole real job thing, the more it feels like selling out. Starting wages are low and for the most part, duties kinda suck. In addition, I understand that I am expected to show up to interviews in a suit, so last night I tried to figure out what the difference is between a business suit and a church suit, given that the latter is the only type I've ever owned. I then looked at prices and was astonished by how much the damn things cost. I hate suits and I really hate ties and the idea of spending hundreds of dollars on something I hate makes me sick. I even thought I should get a rope and tie it into a noose and then cut off most of the extra and wear it down like a tie, but symbols like that can only be gotten away with if you are a rock star and certainly won't land me any jobs. The more I read about the corporate world and jobs and interviews, the more it sounds like it is just some stupid game of judging and favours. I haven't even scored the first interview yet and I am already wondering how much individuality and even humanity I'll have to give up to even make a meager existence in that world. Are these feelings normal for someone going from a college lifestyle to the real world or are they some indication that I need to reconsider the whole thing??

2007-01-18T16:08:00.000-05:00

Well, I just talked to those job people again... apparently there are already two people in queue to get hired at the Hartford office and there are no openings in any of the other offices in that general area. She suggested I could interview at the Atlanta office and then possibly eventually transfer up there if I was hired here. Shit.

2007-01-13T14:00:00.000-05:00

Well, after today I'll have made two steps toward my new life.

In just a few minutes after I finish this blog post and a couple other assorted tasks at the apartment, I'll be headed to Peachtree City to drop off several boxes at my mom's house for "long-term" storage. These are things which I want to keep but which I will most likely not need in the near future and so I will be putting them into storage so that I don't have to move them. This is the first of what will probably be two loads of things going to Peachtree City for storage and is the first task that will begin showing signs in the apartment that vacation is imminent.

Second, I officially applied for a job. I don't know whether I'll get it or not, but it is still momentous in that it is my first application for a "real" job. The company has offices all over the place, but I applied for the Hartford office since CT is probably still my leading option in choice of places. While still appealing, the other options seem to have less viability right now. I'm still open to people trying to convince me of other places since if this job I applied for doesn't come through then other than needing more research there is no reason I can't apply in other places as well. However, in the absence of other convincing suggestions, I will probably continue to target the CT area.

The job itself, if I get it, will take a lot of work and be long hours, and the work wouldn't even necessarily be exactly what I want to do, BUT I think the positives of it would make it worth it for me long term even if I didn't stay with that job. Basically what the company does is medical staffing, both contract/short-term and long-term/direct-hire. What I would be doing at first is recruitment work of trying to recruit medical professionals. I would have to do marketing work to attract them and then I would have to screen and interview them. I would then manage payroll and scheduling for my pool of medical professionals as well as doing customer service work with the companies that I help place them in.

The main advantage to the job is the diversity of tasks that I would be doing. It would cover a lot of human resources tasks if I chose to go that route later, it would include basic marketing/sales, and it would cover basic management skills. In addition, the company provides training in business and management.

Basically, when I chose to leave the job, then on top of my degree I would actually have work experience in several different areas, including management, which I think would really open up job possibilities for me. The salary is not huge, but I think it is good enough and relatively decent for starting wages. I am holding off on making any real judgments on the salary until I figure out what percentage of it is actually takehome after taxes/SS/insurance/etc. and until I can figure out the cost of living difference (some websites claim it is ~25% more expensive up there).

The woman at the national recruiting center that I talked to on the telephone yesterday is going to talk to the manager in Hartford to figure out whether I'll need to go up there for the interview or whether it can be accomplished by interviewing at the Atlanta office in combination with talking to the Hartford manager on the phone.

More as it comes.

Edit: I forgot to include this when I first posted. The job

2007-01-09T01:08:00.000-05:00

I think I just got molested...

I was outside measuring a moving truck that I saw parked out there to get a feel for how big they are when a man came up and started talking to me about how depressed he is and how much his life sucks. He had obviously been drinking but I decided to take pity. It sounded like he really has had a shitty life. So, I slowly walked back to the building with him. He asked if we could go to my apartment for a few minutes and I said no to that so he asked if I would come to his for a few minutes and so I thought what the hell, at least I'll be able to make sure he passes out in his own apartment.

So, at this point he has me sitting on the bed and he's just kind of on his knees leaning against my chest. He rubs my chest a little but I figure it is like the good natured back rub comfort kind of thing and that he just feels the need for feel human presence. His other hand gets closer and closer to my crotch area and before I know it he reached in and started rubbing.

At this point I stood up and tried to excuse myself. He tried to get me to stay and even tried to capture my interest by telling me about a rocking chair that he pulled from the dumpster. Then he tried to talk me into taking him out to eat or giving him money. It was only after I told him I'd bring some back that I was able to get out of there without him following me. I took a different route to try to avoid showing him where I live, but still, while I was writing this blog entry he knocked on the door a number of times.

After he just kept knocking, I looked up and dialed the number for the athens police department but it was a recording and said if I had an emergency then to call 911, which I considered doing if he didn't leave. It's now quiet, but I guess he knows where I live. So, now what? Do I report him to the apartment complex, to the police, or do I just forget about it and hope he doesn't bug me again?

Notes to self:
1. never become a social worker who has to deal with people like that on a regular basis
2. Make sure to move away from here
3. Make sure the new apartment complex doesn't do section 8 (which this guy is)

2007-01-08T11:43:00.000-05:00

Well, today is the day that Spring semester 2007 begins at UGA... and I'm not there. Kind of weird, ya know? The pattern my whole life, or at least since whatever age you start Headstart at has been fall semester, christmas break, spring semester, summer break, repeat. But I went and graduated. It really didn't feel like it was a big deal at all and really it still hasn't sunk in what I did. The achievement aspect really is not the biggest thing of it to me. The biggest thing to me is that I just changed my entire lifelong pattern of annual behaviour. I haven't seen or talked to any students that are back in school for it to really sink in on more than a conceptual level.

I've jumped off the train. What's fucking weird about time being called the fourth dimension is that in the first three you can "look" and move in all of the directions that they encompass. In time, you can only move forward but you can only look backwards. So that means that I really can't know what I'm jumping into because I have to do it with no sight. The real world is more like an ocean with various waves to carry you forward. Waves grow, strengthen, and die off. Looking back from my jumping point I can make guesses about the waves from their past behaviour. Watching from the train has given me some insight into how the waves work. Being on it longer has theoretically given me a better understanding than someone who jumped off earlier, but the nature of the ocean is far less mechanical and predictable than a mechanical train.

People group together in this ocean to create other mechanical entities like boats (clubs, companies, etc.) to try to get back on a more constant progression and provide some sort of comfort in relative safety. The problem with boats, however, is that they dissociate you with the water a little bit. In times when the ocean is calm, the boats can go faster than you can swim and so it may well be better for you to be on a boat, however, when the ocean is in turmoil, a skilled waverider can, at far greater risk, potentially move far ahead of the boats because of the more direct contact.

I hope that I can learn to know when to ride the boats and which ones to ride.
I hope that I can learn when to get off the boats.
I hope that I can learn to "see" the waves where no true sight (4th dimension) is available.
I hope that I can learn to ride the waves.
I hope that one day I will look back and see the bows of many boats behind me.

2007-01-04T19:31:00.000-05:00

Well, my Sanskrit teacher finally turned in grades. Despite leaving 60% of the final completely blank, he gave me a B just like in previous semesters. That gives me a final college GPA of 2.98. For job/resume purposes, I'll go ahead and round it to 3.0, but if I ever choose to do further schooling I'll probably try to get in a summer/night course at a community college to bump it up just that little bit to a real 3.0 first.

School will start for most people pretty soon so it'll be interesting to see if the whole graduated thing sinks in...

2006-12-21T10:13:00.000-05:00

The other day, my mom made a not so subtle jab when she suggested that at every new chapter in my life I reexamine how I am presenting myself such as my hair and see whether it lines up with the new role I am trying to take such as, in her words, "career man." Why do people in this country think that people are first and foremost their role and then individuals afterwards? I don't want to sell my soul and spend my life conforming to various molds of roles I have to play. Roles to me are instrumental toward personal ends, not ends in themselves. This is causing me a problem as I try to figure out what field I'll go into in a few months. Most people you can ask them what they do for a living and it's a pretty good chance that whatever job they do they will have done for years and will continue to do in some form or other for years. (e.g. I'm a plumber, a secretary, a doctor, etc.) I don't ever want to get stuck in that. I want a job full of mobility. I want to be able to get it in cities/states/countries of my choosing and I want it to continually change over time. Some kind of management appeals to me because it is a skilled position that brings in decent money and would allow me to work in all sorts of different companies that do different things and still be qualified for them. Unfortunately, that is not an entry level job and so I have to start somewhere and then figure out how to get up to the level that I have that kind of mobility. I still need to figure out where the best starting point is and the quickest way up. I just need to get out of the masses at the bottom and I don't think destroying all I've created and being reborn in a tightly constricted mold to shape me is the way to do that.

2006-12-20T22:53:00.000-05:00

Well, shit, it looks like I have to drive to Pennsylvania for christmas. It'll be long and boring, but according to my calculations it won't be much more expensive than flying would have been and it will be a lot more reliable than flying standby around christmas would have been. Here's hoping there is no snow!!!

2006-12-19T21:38:00.000-05:00

So yeah, college is over. Shit.

My mum and her friend came up to Athens on thursday a bit before the big final. I decided I had absorbed about as much of the information as I was going to and so I went with them to show them some of the town instead of studying more. We walked around town a bit after the driving portion. We ran into someone from my psych class downtown and they insisted upon taking a picture of me with her. Cool. My mum's friend had me fold my arms in one of the pictures and stated that it looked more masculine that way. I resented that. I made reference to my purse and my mum said I should call it a bag instead of a purse. I said, "but it is a purse" and resented her remark. I hate such blatant gender typing behaviour. I had them drop me off on campus about 30-40 minutes before the test so that I could get the last minute cramming in so that I could try to remember the items that I knew would only stick for a short time since the long-term storage was full. They then went to the mall to see a movie. I spent about an hour on the sanskrit final and beat them back to the apartment.

The next morning was graduation. We set the alarm early enough to get up. When it went off my mum wanted another 15 minutes of sleep. Her friend took took a long time to get ready. I was supposed to be there at 8:30 and we didn't even leave the apartment until 8:35. Traffic was a mess but we made clever use of side roads and avoided good bits of it. When I got out of the car, mum and her friend told me that I should put the robe on before going in saying that everyone else would show up with it on. I carried it in.

After asking a police officer where gates 3 and 4 were to find my location, I entered the tunnel filled with multitudes of robed bodies and I tried to find someone in charge. Nobody seemed to be yet there was still order. Funny how we all get beaten down to the point that we just simply accept and follow an arbitrary system of order with nobody there to enforce it. Once I found the end of the line, I put the robe on and stood there for a second before realizing that like the rest of the robed pizza box hatted people, I'd simply fallen into the order too. So, I abandoned my place at the end of the line and went in search of familiar faces. I found 3, but most importantly I found the one I was looking for. There was a girl in my psych class also graduating and one day in class she had misheard my last name and thought it started with a 'B' and was happy that someone she knew would be sitting near her at graduation since her last name starts with a 'C'. I had to correct her on the spelling of my name but on this graduation day I wandered until I found her and I stood talking with her and her friend in line. When nobody came through to put us in alphabetical order I simply kept my place and sat with her at the ceremony. For any of those thinking anything beyond friendship was going through my mind, I'll point out that she's married and has a three year old kid. She's just a nice person.

So, most of the ceremony was pretty decent. The main commencement speaker was a bit of a bore. At one point, Jennie, the girl I was sitting with asked if he was campaigning. My parents sat on opposite sides of the stadium completely on accident. My dad probably liked it that way. My mum, however, had saved him a seat on her side. Afterwards, we borrowed a sash from someone to take my graduation pics in since the sash kind of adds flair to the robe. I would have bought one for the flair factor if I'd realized that I would actually get to wear it. The way it had been explained to me I thought I had to give it to someone else rather than wearing it myself.

Then we went out to the car. In the rush of the morning my mum didn't plan for a way home since her friend had dropped us off at the stadium and then left to get to a doctor's appointment. My dad had said in advance that his back seat was crammed and that there was no room for her in the car. She tried to move things despite protest insisting that she could fit. To my eyes it was perfectly obvious that even if my dad hadn't been a stickler for seat belts, there was no way she could have fit. While her situation looked pitiable, I wouldn't help but remember that it was her own lack of planning that put her into this situation. I gave her directions how to get to the apartment on the bus and then showed my dad around campus and the town a bit before heading back to my apartment. He quickly saw the apartment and then had to leave to be on his way.

I then took my mum to see some of the areas that I like to walk here including the "zoo" at one of the parks here. The weather was just cool enough and the lighting was good to create a really peaceful setting in the park and we had a good time just relaxing and watching the bear and the otter.

We then came back to the apartment and my mum looked through my movies. She picked to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. She had also begun reading the book I was carrying around as well and so after the movie she finished reading it stating that she doesn't like to start a book and not finish it. So I felt proud that I managed to expose her to two examples of the weirdness that I enjoy and that one of the cases was an R-rated movie which she wouldn't normally choose to watch due to her religious beliefs.

Saturday I had to drive her to the airport and figured that I was already that close to PTC so I'd just go the rest of the way. I hung out with Matt until he went to work and then I hung out with Emily while she worked and did christmas shopping. When Andrew got off of work we went to his house and watched Forbidden Zone and apparently I'm one of few of his friends that actually likes the movie. Matt came over for a bit and then left. Andrew then showed me what the allegedly addictive World of Warcraft is like. It's rather similar to things like MUDs that I used to play a lot in high school except that this is graphical. While I could see the appeal of the nice graphics, I think I may prefer the old text based games since they required more imagination and lent themselves more easily to roleplaying and chat rather than just repetitive motions to built experience. I got to sleep at Matt's at about 3AM which he thought was early to go to bed. Guess I have more of a day life than some people. I woke up before he did on Sunday, so I went and had lunch with Andrew and Emily and then saw Nissen for a few minutes and ran some errands (e.g. dropping things off at my mom's house) and then I went to look around for people I knew. I walked a shopping center, a Best Buy, and a Wal-Mart and ran into only Jeremy's brother and one of the renters of my mom's house. So, I called Greg and talked to him for a couple hours. I then went with Emily through a pretty drive which included a bison in somebody's back yard. Our mission was to find the Borders bookstore which Emily simply knew was there only to find that the aliens must have taken it away because in its place was a Books A Million bookstore instead. We went and visited Andrew and Matt at work. Soon thereafter we all split and I headed back to Athens.

I started to go through papers and things at the apartment as the post-college transition but that process was abruptly terminated as more stressors came online. Now I'm going to Pennsylvania for christmas and have to leave on thursday. So much for cleaning. So much for working a full work week to make up for the previous week's missed work. Then Greg and Miranda will be in town for a few days afterwards. Then I may have a couple days in which I could head back to Athens only to turn right back around and go to PTC for new years. I almost might as well leave thursday and not come back until after new years.... guess I can't start the post-college transition until January. How will I take care of my animals that long? Grr.

Then what? Will all of those days be as busy as days like today full of work? Will I really have any more time in my day to change anything? Am I really going to get any rest from the stress I experienced in college or is it going to be just as much but only in more monotonous and less varied pains? Will I even have time, money, energy, or information to even move or will I just keep sitting here too busy to move an inch?

No Rest For The Wicked.

2006-12-14T17:51:00.000-05:00

Oh, BTW everyone, I switched to the new beta version of Blogger today. This had the unintended side effect of making a bunch of my posts show up as new in my rss reader ( Google Reader) so if any of you use an RSS reader for viewing my blog and it shows up with like 25 new posts, rest assured that I didn't suddenly get very creative and post that many new ones.

2006-12-14T17:47:00.000-05:00

Well, my Sanskrit final is over now.... I left probably about 60% of it blank. The translation portion had about 3 complete sentences with some scattered words and plenty of blank spaces littering it. The forms commentary had some commented, some blank. I didn't even bother to do any of the verb paradigms at all since I didn't know them. I spent all of my study time trying to memorize all of the passages thinking they were worth more points than the paradigms. Fuck it. College is over now.

2006-12-05T17:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I feel weird. Today I discovered that tomorrow is operating on a friday schedule. I only have one class on fridays and the lecture portion of that class has been over for about two weeks since my teacher made up the sessions earlier in the semester so that we could end early since she was expecting a child (which she birthed on thanksgiving day). So, the result of that is that today was my very last day of lectures of my undergraduate career. That's gonna take a while to sink in. Now I just need to finish my sanskrit project, do my finals, and pay my 2 year old library fine and then I am done completely. Finals are not going to be any walk in the park though. Most of them will be difficult and the sanskrit one will be hell (~20 pages of sanskrit = 45 pages of heavily annotated translation that I have to basically simply memorize plus some grammar stuff to know). My mom is trying to convince me to reschedule my wednesday exam so that I can go pick her up at the airport, take her to ptc, wait while she does some things at the house, and then drive her to Athens. I have the sanskrit final thursday so my wednesday is intended to be devoted almost wholly to memorizing sanskrit. Is she fucking crazy to think that all that interruption won't have serious negative consequences???

2006-11-28T07:57:00.000-05:00

Last night I dreamed that Ozzfest had been yesterday. I had gone to see the first few bands and then had to leave to go to class and was planning to go back when class was over to see the rest. However, somehow I managed to not only completely forget to go back but also to forget that I'd even ever been there. The next day (the hypothetical today) I ran into Andrew who had been there the whole time and he was saying how great Tool (probably my favourite band) had been and at this point I remembered that the concert had been the previous day and that I'd been there for the first few bands but it took me some time to figure out why I didn't remember much of it especially the bigger bands. Then I realized that I had simply forgotten to go back and I was mad.

2006-11-25T23:49:00.000-05:00

If I were ever to move to the country rather than a city, I can tell you right now one of the major reasons I would do it. Out away from major city lights, the night sky is bloody amazing. In Athens at night I see maybe 5-10 stars on any given night. When I'm down here at my dad's, the night sky is fabulously littered with stars. Tonight was a clear night and you could even see the milky way cutting across the sky. I looked at all of the clusters of stars and saw a shooting star. Most people in modern city society really can't understand why the ancients found the night sky divine, but it really is. Imagine if you could see it in an even more remote location without even the relatively distant neighbour's lights on. If there was a nationwide power outage on a night when people were out, I wonder how many people would awaken spiritually by the sudden appearance of divine manifestation in the form of the pure night sky.

2006-11-25T00:04:00.000-05:00

So, the day before thanksgiving came and my dad still hadn't called to invite me so I felt it was pretty safe to assume that he had either forgotten in the midst of business or that his plans had changed. I decided that at that point I had 3 options. I could go with Matt in Atlanta or Kenneth in Charlotte, I could figure something out myself, or I could call my dad myself. I eliminated the first option because I didn't want to impose, I didn't want a pity invite, and I wasn't really in the mood to drive just for that. I didn't want to call my dad myself because even though I went there for the past two years (being specifically invited both times), I didn't feel like that gave me a right to feel entitled to an unspoken invite. So, I decided to make my own thanksgiving. I went shopping to get the necessary supplies and made 2 pumpkin pies the night before. Then, thanksgiving morning, I woke up and prepared my turkey and put it in the oven (yes, I bought a whole 5.8lb turkey just for me) and then prepared the rest of the food. I had turkey, mashed potatoes (from real potatoes, not instant), gravy from a packet, canned corn, green beans, yams, and cranberry sauce, and stuffing from a box mix. I was rather proud of my plate when I sat down to eat and it looked like a real thanksgiving plate.

When my mom heard what I was doing, she was mad at me for not assuming the unspoken invite and then tried to convince me to fly to Minneapolis. I really didn't feel like dealing with the hassle of standby flight and the possibility of not getting back in time since I can't afford to miss a day of school.

Then, at about 2PM, my dad called and asked me what I was doing for thanksgiving. I replied "eating it". The conversation then led to my explaining that I made my own since I hadn't heard anything. At that point, he established the unofficial invite policy so now that it is given I am open to using that option in the future. He mentioned that he doesn't know how long my break is but that I was still welcome to come down, but I don't think he really thought I would.

So, I finished watching the movie I was watching, began packing, and by 4PM I was on the road. At 6PM I called his phone and asked what the plan for the night was. He wasn't sure what I was talking about so I specified that I meant at his house. He assumed I was inquiring in order to decide whether to come and was surprised to hear that I was already 2 hours down the road. I made good time and made it to Cochran about 45 minutes later (it's supposed to be a 4 hour drive). He then gave me directions to Eastman where he and his wife were working on redoing tiling at the old house they are trying to sell. If only they'd been at home! As I left Cochran, the town seemed to drop off pretty quickly so I sped up thinking I was back on open road and I didn't make it too far before flashing lights appeared and I stopped. Turns out the speed limit was still 35mph so my going 61mph was a wee bit over. He marked it down to 59mph (I guess >= 25 over is something worse) but gave me a ticket so that extra leg of the journey will be expensive both in citation fees and in whatever extra money my insurance company will happily demand from me.

So, today I spent some of the day playing with some of my dad's wife's kids and then I spent most of the day working on my Sanskrit project. My little half-sister Brianna was pretty much terrified of me at first and always shied away. However, thanks to my psych classes and my nature, by the end of the day I was on good terms with her and she was smiling and babbling away with me. Apparently that's good time and with some people she simply never warms up no matter how many days you give her. Being attentive and responsive but not overstimulating or pushing her when she's had too much is the key.

So, if I keep being able to make progress on the Sanskrit project, I'll probably be here most of the break. I may swing by Peachtree City on the way back for a day and/or a night if there is any demand for it.

Oh, and this is totally off-topic, but I've discovered something problematic with my finances. Most of the expenses that school puts on my debt are in the form of loans. Most of the credit card debt and its increase is not from school, but simply from daily living expenses. I simply don't make enough to cover all of the bills. My mom is trying to talk me into taking a trip around christmas/new years time to try to use more flight benefits before they run out, especially in case Continental does want proof again before next fall. She argues that it is worth going into more debt for since I won't get the opportunity again. Normally I would agree (e.g. Amsterdam), however this is where my problem comes in. At the current rate of debt increase, if I go on that trip, I won't be able to afford to move. As it is I'm worried about whether I will or not since this revelation about the source of the debt means that even after school is out, my debt will continue to increase until I get either a second job, more hours on the current job, or a new and higher paying job. If I want to move at the end of February or soon thereafter then I won't really be able to get a second job for that short of a period of time. If I do get a second job, it will require staying here quite a bit longer both because I'd want to put in reasonable time to not cause the employer to hate me and because with that extra time taken up I wouldn't get that last bit of time I had hoped to invest into really putting a last shove heavy experience time into Athens and so that would have to stretch out more too. So, I'm not really sure what I'm going to do since even if I were to trim back my expenses to a minimum, it would not slow down the debt growth substantially enough to make it worth the extra effort to maintain and the losses sustained to save the money.

2006-11-20T19:07:00.000-05:00

Well, results are in. I passed the tests. Too bad taking one piece out of a heap of stress still leaves a heap.

2006-11-19T21:25:00.000-05:00

Just for the record, I feel better now, but I'm leaving up that previous post both for historical reasons, because I do feel that way sometimes especially with as much pressure and uncertainty as I have going on right now, and also because it does say things that are hard to say otherwise.

2006-11-19T16:05:00.000-05:00

Gosh, it's annoying the toll stress can take on you leading to fatigue, lack of motivation, and despair. I feel like this is how it would go if it was a movie trying to make a point. Don't worry, I have no intention of acting this out or anything remotely similar to it, but I feel like this sort of hypothetical narrative explains better how I feel right now.

Family and friends would be gathered at the graduation ceremony. The graduate would have spent many long years to finish college and everyone would be proud of the great accomplishment it is. The graduate would feel completely empty inside about it and wonder about the worth of anything being celebrated that day. It would be a day that is supposed to be perfect and should give the graduate pride and fulfillment but all of the hubbub would only serve to amplify the disparity between how he should feel and how he does feel. At the climax of the ceremony when all attention is on him, he would take whatever document was given to him, look at it, drop in on the floor laughing a sad laugh at how fucking pointless everything is and how worthless this whole thing is and how equally worthless any alternative would have been and then he would look out and see the growing distress at everyone in the crowd watching him. He'd laugh at their distress more to hurt himself than to hurt them. He'd know it would hurt them too but nothing would stop the events unfolding. With a click and a bang he'd find out if there is an afterlife. There would be wailing and commotion and grief and love and distress and myriad other human emotions. Nobody would understand why it happened. Nobody would know what he felt. Nobody would really ever know his dreams, his secrets, his feelings, the significance of things in his life to him, etc. They would look at the events and wonder how at a moment that is supposed to be so joyous and sets him on the brink of starting off his life with greatness he could feel he needed to do such a thing. They'd see the things he had done and scraps of evidence of the things he wanted to do and see how much more he had than so many other people and wonder how such a passion for experiences could lead to this. Nobody would really ever understand, not even he himself, and he would be lost forever.

2006-11-17T14:27:00.000-05:00

Well, the die is now cast. While the rest of the semester will not be easy, I see no reason to believe I should fail any class. So whether I graduate or not depends almost wholly on the results of the tests which I literally just finished taking. I should get results by Tuesday morning. If I pass both tests, I'm good to go. If I don't, shit. Since the tests are now taken and turned in, nothing I do now, unless I go crazy and blow off all of my classes or die or something extreme, will affect whether I graduate or not. I'm not sure if I'm not more stressed about my powerlessness in the matter or whether I was more stressed right before the test...

2006-11-13T01:28:00.000-05:00

While I try not to make posts which are not mostly of my authorship, this post will be such a one. In a previous post, I included an excerpt of a poem that is in the book I am reading. I came across the rest of the poem in the back of the book and given its relevance to my situation, I'd like to share the whole thing.

Stages
By Hermann Hesse, from The Glass Bead Game

As every flower fades and as all youth
Departs, so life at every stage,
So every virtue, so our grasp of truth,
Blooms in its day and may not last forever.

Since life may summon us at every age
Be ready, heart, for parting, new endeavor,
Be ready bravely and without remorse
To find new light that old ties cannot give.
In all beginnings dwells a magic force
For guarding us and helping us to live.

Serenely let us move to distant places
And let no sentiments of home detain us.
The Cosmic Spirit seeks not to restrain us
But lifts us stage by stage to wider spaces.

If we accept a home of our own making,
Familiar habit makes for indolence.
We must prepare for parting and leave-taking
Or else remain the slaves of permanence.

Even the hour of our death may send
Us speeding on to fresh and newer spaces,
And life may summon us to newer races.
So be it, heart: bid farewell without end.

2006-11-08T20:23:00.000-05:00

Though I claim not to be a fatalist, I find very often that I find "inspirational" cues in my environment in the form of odd synchronicities and finding bits of advice strewn in books I read, lectures I attend, etc. I think that this is not a God or supernatural directing force, but instead, my subconscious and unfiltered mind making its thoughts and desires manifest through my actions and choice of exposure to stimuli. This analysis of motive by observing behaviour is certainly not without flaw and one must be aware of cognitive processes which cause one to inhibit feelings or act contrary to one's desires for social purposes. I don't know how exactly to describe which observations are insightful and which are potentially misleading, but I think often you can tell the difference. So, what made me even think about this you may ask. Well, I was reading along in the same book I've been reading for weeks and I was startled when I came across a passage where the character quotes from one of his poems and says:

Serenely let us move to distant places
And let no sentiments of home detain us.
The Cosmic Spirit seeks not to restrain us
But lifts us stage by stage to wider spaces.

Also, I've been thinking more about the graduate school idea and have come to two realizations. One, if I were to do so in the near future or even after a year or two break, I wouldn't finish until I was close to 30. This stuns me because while I realize that 30 is not old, to me the 20's are the youthful period where you are supposed to get out and experience the world while you can and the idea of wasting all of that time in school is fairly abhorrent to me. So that leads to the second thought which came upon me today. Here are the stages I predict for my life for now:

Once I finish school I will still be in Athens for a period that I will refer to as detox. It isn't that school itself is toxic, however. It's more analagous to exercise or metabolism. In the process of school and the benefits it provides, certain toxic byproducts accumulate and manifest in phenomena such as anxiety and stress. So, I will stay in Athens until I feel detoxed. That may happen fairly quickly and so I may leave when the lease expires or it may take longer. I would prefer not to move during the summer due to increased gas prices so if I take too long I may postpone the move until fall or winter.
The next phase is the launch of my life. At that point I will almost assuredly move somewhere. I will concentrate on things like spending time with my animals while I have them and on the stationary explorations. I'll take the time to read books, watch movies, grow plants, and do my various other projects that take up space and materials. In addition I will, at a leisurely pace, take care of preparatory steps to facilitate the next step. For example, I may enroll in a 6-12 month part time course to get certified in teaching english as a second language. I'll also use this as a time to financially detox from the effects of school. Hopefully by the end of this period, school debts will be all but taken care of.
The next step happens when all of the animals have died natural deaths. I will not get rid of them in any other way. In addition, projects being worked on will have to come to a natural conclusion. (e.g. if it is in the middle of the summer, I wait until winter when the plants die) Then, free of financial burdens and responsibility over other living creatures, I will put the stationary explorations on the backburner and begin the period of outward exploration. During this period I can do adventurous things like spending a summer in Alaska or working a cruise ship or backpacking or living in Europe.
If the previous stage ends and I feel compelled to settle down into a place then I may consider graduate school at that point. Being tied down for some time would obviously not be a major issue at that point and as long as I had enough money to live comfortably enough I'd be okay. I'd also be fully detoxed of school and so it wouldn't bother me in that way. Now, I realized that I apparently have a feminine cultural value when it comes to my feelings on employment. To me a job is something that provides the money to live and is absolutely not the primary focus of my life. So the idea that I wasn't building my career would not bother me at all and I'd probably feel like I was progressing more personally in school than in a job which would likely feel stagnating by doing the same thing all the time. If however, I found a job that was stimulating enough, I could easily skip the further schooling as well. I only mention it here to say that if it happens then this stage is where it is most likely to happen. So, come retirement I'm probably screwed, but I refuse to slave away and waste the prime of my life.

2006-11-07T22:59:00.001-05:00

In case you, like I this morning, do not realize it, if you run quickly backwards 6-7 feet while turning your head back to look upwards at the shuttle attempting to go way over your head and then you jump and shift your upper body weight backwards by swinging your arm to hit the shuttle with the raquet, you should not expect to land on your feet. A little extra weight padding on your rump like I have is not to your disadvantage in this case. When I landed, the teacher and my coplayers asked me if I was okay and the first thing out of my mouth was "did it make it?" meaning did the shuttle that I just embarrassed the hell out of myself to hit make it over the net. It didn't. At least the only things wounded were my pride and a small bruise on my elbow.

2006-11-06T14:17:00.000-05:00

I. I've noticed that a significant number of the people I know are ending up in rather stagnant lives. They seem to be perfectly satisfied to stay close to where they grew up, work dead end jobs, and their only other activity is hanging out with people. Pure contact and amusement often with intoxicants and little substance. While I don't think there is anything inherently wrong in this lifestyle as long as one is not leeching off of others to sustain it, I don't ever want to get stuck in that sort of life myself. I'm always reading, trying to learn and experience new things, and doing my various projects. Many of these stagnant people have not completed post-secondary education and many have not even started any and so I hope that my having a college education will help me somewhat. I wonder though, is it such a large portion of society that dead ends like this or are there just a lot of them in the circles I run in?

II. It's almost sick how easily influenced my moving decision is. I was fairly committed to either staying in Athens or leaving Georgia until I visited Jeremy and that caused me to reevaluate the possibility of moving to Atlanta instead. I got a message on my voicemail the other day from my mom and she said something along the lines of "since it looks like you'll be staying in Georgia for a while" and I experienced a minor panic. The main reason that I worry about moving to Atlanta is that my first post-college move will, I feel, set a precedent for many of the decisions in my life. While Atlanta would provide an easier transition and would provide benefits that any other location would not, I worry that I'll get stuck in Georgia and/or only taking small steps. Moving somewhere further away would set a more adventurous precedent and would give me more confidence to make bigger changes later. Also, I think I've finally started to reach that ~2 year point where you start to really feel comfortable in a place. Would it be best to spend a few months of rest and enjoy the town that I've come to love before I consider leaving or should I just cut ties as soon as the opportunity presents itself?

III. I've got some concerns about moving that I'm hoping that my readers can address as well since I know I have at least two who have moved a bit including at least one who has moved internationally. First, when I moved to Athens, before I could get an apartment, I had to give job/wage information. So, in order to get housing somewhere I have to have a job in that place. How do I get a job in a place that is far enough away that making several trips for interviews is not practical? This will be a relatively small but present issue even if I move to Atlanta and it will be a major issue if in a few years I'm able to fulfill my dream of living internationally. Second, I want to be able to move around a bit, including internationally, on my own. I don't want to find a job and stick with it and let them transfer me around. I want to be able to decide when and where I want to move without any limitations. Given this I'll need to find some line of work in which I can find employment just about anywhere, but I don't want to just work low-wage unskilled labour either. While I have some computer skills, I would prefer something less hard science and something "warmer" as a job if possible. Any suggestions?

IV. I've been thinking a lot about one of Curt's principles of escaping the mormon mindset: realize that you aren't special. I think I've been taking that to mean to not think that you are set apart from everyone else in some kind of positive way and it has been helpful even in that narrow interpretation. I'm realizing now that it has a wider meaning from that and the attempted application of the wider interpretation has been yielding, I feel, results. Quite simply, what was missing is that I'm not substantially worse than other people either. In talking to Kenneth, he asserted that other guys don't have more to offer than we do and that our lack of romantic success is more due to confidence and lack of effort. In my social psych class we've been talking about ideas like pluralistic ignorance. I've expended great amounts of mental effort trying to figure out where I "missed the bus" on various developmental issues or how others seem to have a greater level of competence at various social tasks. While it is true that people vary in social skill, I don't think that's where my deficit really lies in actuality. I think my mindset that I missed the bus is what has held me back. When I am able to even think a little bit that hey, I didn't miss the bus and I try to observe and interact with that perspective and realize that I don't really come across as uncultured or awkward when I freely interact, I can see a glimpse into that self-delusion. So, I think that related to the "realize you aren't special" rule, we can add, to use mormon terminology, "realize you aren't unworthy." Living in the mormon world where everyone puts up the perfection façade can make you feel like shit because you see all of your problems and failings but you don't see that in others because they are so skilled at hiding it. See enough of this and you end up with belief perseverance even after moving to an environment (e.g. UGA) where the evidence no longer supports the belief. It is only through repeated exposure to the evidence along with an open mind that these beliefs can be challenged. I think of myself as an open minded person, but we are all closed minded in some ways and it is naturally embarrassing when you reach the realization that your being closed minded about certain issues is exactly what has been holding you back from progress. At least I see it now!

V. This sentiment is likely to be very unpopular, however, I feel like I should be clear on my stance. As most of you know by now, Saddam Hussein has been sentenced to death by hanging pending appeal. While I readily concede that he's done many despicable things, I don't think he should be hanged. For one thing, I oppose capital punishment in general and for another, I still believe that the entire invasion of Iraq was not only unethical, but illegal as well. In addition to that, I think that Saddam did some good things as well. He promoted cultural pride, modernized the country, gave women additional rights, and ran a secular state not based on Islamic law. In addition, as we are now seeing, Iraq had a tumultuous past with many very sectarian groups. While we cannot support his methods of trying to keep the peace, we must admit the great struggle it would have been to govern such a country. I think Saddam's ascent parallels a lot of other leaders such as Castro. They did a lot of good things to help the people but at some point power corrupted. I hate it how Americans demonize Saddam and how they can't understand why some people in Iraq actually support Saddam. Though I do not condone many of his actions and in fact decry many of them, if he is led to the noose as the bloodthirsty seem to be pushing him toward, I will personally mourn that day.

2006-10-25T01:48:00.000-04:00

Okay, I need to put forth another call for input from my readers. As most of you know, I'm strongly considering the possibility of moving after I graduate. One of my premises has been that if I leave Athens then I leave Georgia. After recent events I'm beginning to reconsider on that. So the question is, after considering the points I am going to make next, would it be better to leave Georgia or stay in Georgia and move to Atlanta or will it really matter and why do you feel the way you do for whatever answer?

I had a small amount of electrolysis done on my upper chest (about 20 hairs) to make sure that hair doesn't pop out from the collar when I wear a t-shirt (it always looked bad on others and I didn't even want the small bit that had the potential to do that to me to happen. Now, I still have a slight bit more I want to do on the face until I put that on hold and then I have the back patches I want to do and then I could come up with a number of small random spots like that chest patch that I want to get zapped. If I leave the state, I won't be able to finish all of that without going to a new electrologist and paying more and having to hope they are as effective and develop a new rapport, etc. If I move to Atlanta, I'd still be close enough to drive back up here to see things here and to keep zapping

I hung out with Jeremy at his birthday party this weekend and it showed me how it really can be really nice to hang out with people. As y'all know, I don't tend to make friends very easy and so moving to a new state would quite possibly mean no friends for quite a while. Being in Atlanta would be closer to friends than I am even now and would bring that element back into my life a bit more

In my psychology class we talked about identity formation and how college actually serves to delay identity achievement in nearly all areas except career identity for most people. I very much see that myself as I try to figure out who I am and what I am doing where I see people like Jeremy and Erik who did not go to high school progress in identity formation. It's starting to make me jealous even though I have been led to believe my life choices are better. So, one of my primary goals after finishing school will be to do some good searching and try to work out some identity issues by study and experience in the real world. Now, I don't know whether having friends around me is good (supporting, new ideas, etc.) or bad (preconceptions based on the past) for that.

I think it would be fun to do things like go to nightclubs and concerts and other downtown activities on a regular basis, but living far from the city with no friends around makes that very difficult. If I had friends to do clubs with, I could drink more and experience that more deeply. If I was in the city, I could take public transit or at least have only a short drive to activities. While this is theoretically true in any city I could choose to move to, I already have friends here who could act as seeds to help me meet more people and know good places to go.

So, those are the major reasons that make me think maybe it is better if I just move to Atlanta. On the other hand, there are reasons to leave too such as new experience, covering new areas of the country, exposure to different kinds of people, making a cleaner break from this chapter in my life to allow me to move on and not get stuck in this era, and possibly ending up in a more socially and politically liberal area where I would have more in common with people.

Remember also that regardless of where I end up, I would be planning on it only lasting about 3 years max until the animals are gone. Once that time comes, my options will be a lot more open than they are now.

So, what do y'all think?

2006-10-25T00:53:00.000-04:00

Today I was reading and I came across this passage:

To one striving for Castalian virtue that world seemed sometimes a wicked underworld, sometimes a tempting playground and arena. For generations many young consciences have experienced the concept of sin in this Castalian form. And many years later, as an adult student of history, Knecht was to perceive more distinctly that history cannot come into being without the substance and the dynamism of this sinful world of egoism and instinctuality, and that even such sublime creations as the Order were born in this cloudy torrent and sooner or later will be swallowed up by it again. (Hermann Hesse, The Glass Bead Game, Pg. 267)

Following the reading of that passage, my mind set about its usual explorations and the following is the flow of thought that came out:
Purity, cleanliness, etc. arise from the "dirty," chaotic, instinctual mass. In some sense, these "bubbles" are sterile and the mass organic and alive. The bubbles are an aberration -- often the cap of a scab on an abstract movement that has infected the mass. It hardens, commercializes, and defines the movement and thus the system heals from it. The scars from it we call history. Its meme virus may have injected cultural DNA which may subtly affect the character of the beast and may reflare in infection over time. Not all of them are bad. Sometimes they may weaken the being. Sometimes they may allow it to adapt or be inoculated against other threats. Either way they shape it. Excessive nationalism/patriotism or emotional/intellectual investment into a group ("cause" ha!) is an attachment to a disease, passion = infection. Is awareness of this and attempt to sculpt society based on expected consequences of each option really just a harmful genetic experiment or weakening impedance of the natural flow?

And as food for thought... is this being, like all other beings, destined for death after a slow, but inevitable deterioration? Or is this being divine and immortal, capable of healing all mortal wounds despite eternal scarification?

Other thoughts to consider:

Maybe there are justifications for scarification/tattoos/piercings in humans as a rational alternative to the pure body as a temple idea
Following on the previous idea, I've always felt that making mistakes or doing anything "sinful" (e.g. sex) would be an eternal defilement of myself and leave a stain on me forever. Life should be a work of art and few artists would consider a nearly blank canvas a work of art.
This flow of thought given above, like many of my posts, was not something that I (consciousness (c)) came up with, but instead something that I (mind (m)) came up with. I(c) don't really feel like I have any honest claim over it since I don't feel like I(c) produced it. I have to wonder if the many religious leaders over time that have produced holy books by hearing or channeling were not simply just aware of the I(c)/I(m) distinction.
Another thing I realized about the body (b)/m/c distinction is that I really need to reevaluate how I(c) deal with self-conscious emotions like guilt, shame, embarrassment, etc. It just seems weird that I(c) should feel that about things that I(b)/I(m) do that I(c) have no control over.
I(c) also realized that while I am aware of the b/m/c distinction in myself, the I that others see is a composite of the 3. I(c) often think to myself on the fallacious assumption that people are interpreting my actions based on that I when they are not. So when I(m) rationalize and interpret their reactions, it is missing a key premise. I'm not yet sure how to resolve this and understand how to see myself as a whole as others do to be able to predict how various actions of mine are more likely to be actually interpreted. I also wonder whether others make the b/m/c distinction in themselves, whether they see themselves as c or whether they see themselves as the integrated whole.

2006-10-19T21:53:00.000-04:00

Oh yeah, as if I haven't already posted enough today, I forgot something on the club post. Pictures!

[sarcasm] I was terribly photogenic [/sarcasm] So, despite how I looked in the pics, there were only two with me in them (well, my hand was in one other) so I posted them anyway, but lest y'all get any crazy ideas, I'm going to explain why I look like I do in them.

The one with my eyes closed and mouth wide open: the club was dark and I didn't know Matt was going to take a picture. The flash goes off a split second before the picture actually snaps and so it caught me right in the middle of being surprised and reacting to the unexpected blinding flash.

The other one: Matt took probably 10 pictures in a row of Kenneth and me and after a few of them I started giving him a "what the fuck are you doing?" kind of look and the only one in the series that he happened to save was one in which I had that look on my face.

2006-10-19T21:16:00.000-04:00

I think I've begun to peak over the ledge of a new stage in mental or spiritual development.

I have long since had a distrust in my body as I found that often its desires and will not only did not always align with my own, but often conflicted. I began to think of the body as not really part of me because I don't feel like the entity I call "I" really had any say in the desires of the body.

Now I'm starting to feel similarly about the mind as well. I've become increasing aware of the rationalization powers of the mind and I've begun to become aware of disparities between its interpretations and reality. I also feel like I'm coming to terms with a few things in my past but I'm very suspicious now that these feelings aren't simply my mind's rationalizations and coping mechanisms to deal with the present. I am starting to feel like my mind is not really part of me but is simply an artificial substrate generated to resemble the real world and I am operating in this substrate rather than in the real world. It has artificial limitations and the translation from the real world to the mind world is increasingly noticeably flawed. As I base my actions on this artificial world and then realize those actions in the real world and then interpret the results through the skewed translation to the mind, then of course I feel a disconnect and fundamental misunderstanding of the world around me!

So, now the question arises how much the body really is in conflict with "I" or whether those conflicts were anomalous results generated by the flawed mind filter. I am tempted to believe still that the conflicts are real and that "I" am different from my body. It is becoming increasingly confusing to try to describe who "I" am because so many traits and descriptions that most people provide are of the body self or the mind self, neither of which I consider to be my true self.

So, if I am not the body and I am not the mind, then what am I? The only thing I can think that is left is consciousness itself... am I really just a being of pure consciousness and if so, what is consciousness? Does it even have an independent existence or is it simply a fleeting property of interactions between other, more tangible forces which are not really me?

This also raises the question of agency (where agency is defined as the power to exert power or influence over your environment) is even really a property of "I" or whether I am merely observing the agentive powers of one of the other selves.

Wouldn't that be a simple way to solve the problem of free will vs. determinism? Simply stated, you do have agency if you take a broad definition of self, but you don't if you take the most narrow definition of what really constitutes the self. That is to say, the true "I" may not have agentive powers at all, but may, in the process of existing, observe other parts of the self (e.g. body, mind) which do have agentive power in the world.

So, if this theory of self being merely consciousness is true, what are the implications for how I should live my life? And if, through this thought process, my life changes, have "I" exerted agentive power over my life or have I merely changed my angle of observation? (feel free to interpret that concept in any physical/mystical/quantum/whatever way you choose)

2006-10-19T21:07:00.000-04:00

So, as many of you know, I am attempting to graduate this December. For what was supposed to be an easy semester given that I could freely pick all but two of my classes from nearly anything I wanted, somehow this semester has turned out to be the one in which I have the least free time out of any I've had. This has, in turn, made it difficult to make sure all of the technicalities and details necessary for graduation are taken care of. In this past week, by skipping pieces of work to buy myself some time, I managed to do the following:
* Verify that I do not have to apply for graduation, but only have the graduation check (did that last semester), have the correct graduation date set, and meet all of the graduation requirements
* Just today I finally managed to get my graduation date fixed by going through a small chain of command despite the system telling me I was past the deadline for changing it to this semester (it was previously listed as Spring 2007)
* As long as I pass all of my classes this semester, the only requirements left will be for the US and GA constitution credit. I am now registered for a November 17 free administration of these tests which they claim are graded quickly. I am seeking information from the person that changed my graduation date as to whether this will get the results in in time or whether I need to cancel that registration and just pay a fee to take the tests earlier to ensure that results are in in time. I also purchased the book to study for the GA constitution test (about $8) and still need to check out the book for the US constitution part (I don't need the whole book and don't want to pay for a full real text book for the portion I do need). So, now I just need to study for the tests (I did some sample questions and I definitely need to study to pass) and then get the results back in time.

So, I'm a few steps closer and so I should hopefully be able to pull it off. It'll be about time!

2006-10-19T20:19:00.000-04:00

Note: this post assumes that you have already read this post by Kenneth at least up until the point where he says that I left. This entry contains my perspectives on some pieces of that entry as well as some additional items not contained there.

Before the drive to the club:
For his fall break, Kenneth went down to Peachtree City and thinking it'd be fun to get the old four of that particular group that we had together, I went down for the weekend as well. Since it has been a long time (we estimated 2 years) since all of us have been together and it is a relatively rare occurrence due to everyone's living situations, we decided that it ought to be special.

A few days before the weekend, someone we knew from high school joined Facebook and mentioned in his profile that he is a doorman at the club Eleven50 and that he could get us on the guestlist.

For friday night, Andrew and Matt (the only two who still claim PTC as their residence) decided that they would go to their usual bar in Peachtree City. This idea appeased Kenneth who was surprised to hear they even have a decent bar in Peachtree City at all, however, it just didn't do it for me. I've been to that bar with Andrew and Matt before and to me it just felt like a restaurant without food. I was also hesitant to pay bar prices at a place like that.

So, when I saw the opening with the club, I immediately put plans into motion to replace bar night with club night. My assumption was that the only objections anyone might have would be the distance since cover charge was taken care of by getting on the guest list. Boy was I wrong!! Left and right came the objections and I grew extremely frustrated at the group. Some complained about how late it was, others about the dress code, etc. I got so frustrated by it all the night before that my reeling mind made me not be able to fall asleep until 3am.

We managed to take care of Kenneth's shirt objection relatively easily and I managed to convince him to buy shoes at wal-mart even if he had to return them the next day and that I'd pay for the damn things if I had to. We thought we had Andrew set and then found out his shoes weren't okay. He got all mopey because he couldn't wear his favourite shoes and we had to drag him out of that to convince him to buy some (with the intention of returning them the next day). During my night of frustration and ranting, Kenneth and I came up with a plan to make it happen. Anyone with objections either had to take care of them or stay home, period. Most of my frustration stemmed out of two things:
1. 90% of the objections being raised were, IMHO, so easily solvable that I couldn't understand why they were even being raised as possible blockers instead of just getting taken care of
2. Kenneth and I were going out of our way, driving long distances, and giving up much needed homework time in order to make the weekend nice and it seemed like certain other elements of the group weren't willing to go outside of their normal routine at all or take time off of work to have time to do things or anything.

By the time I finally got out of Athens, I was running late and through excessively frequent phone calls to multiple parties, I tried to make sure we were all set so that I could get to Matt's house, change my pants, and head out the door finishing the remainder of the changing in the car. On the way, I got a call from Emily saying that she wanted to be home by 1AM and so she wasn't sure we could still go. I restrained my wrath in that phone call and called Kenneth to make sure that Andrew and Emily had been told the rule about going (he was supposed to have, but I didn't want to take out my frustration on Emily if indeed, she hadn't been told). Lo and behold, she hadn't been told, so while I was frustrated as hell at getting one of those types of phone calls I had very, very specifically been trying to avoid getting before confirming our final count on the guest list, I couldn't be too mad at Emily since she hadn't been told. As I got to the border of PTC, I got a message from Andrew saying that I needed to pick him up at his house, take him to Wal-Mart to get shoes, and then to Matt's house. Why he hadn't taken care of this during the previous hour and a half that I'd been driving so that we could get out quickly I still don't understand.

At the club:
We walked in and the place was quite different than I had expected. Our first encounter there was to see that they had a bathroom attendant and we couldn't figure out whether we were supposed to tip him or not. I never ended up using the bathroom, but none of the rest of our group who did tipped the guy. I hope that was okay.

It's pretty embarrassing to admit it now, but from the pictures on the website, I expected a high-class, well-lit, jazz/classical music kind of place. Instead, it was dark, crowded, playing very loud hip hop music, with interesting lighting effects. With this atmosphere, the visualization screen on the back of the stage was almost hypnotizing. I looked around and I couldn't help but think "this is living" and how much better this was than the bar would have been and how glad I was that we managed to actually pull it off.

I had intended to get in free with the guest list and then start a tab on my credit card. Getting the drink vouchers was thus actually a problem because I had no cash to tip with and had to borrow from Andrew. Once I used up two of my three vouchers (we ran out of cash to tip with on the third one), I considered starting the tab then, but the drinks were very expensive and I wasn't sure that I could negotiate how to work a tab/do credit card purchases with the volume level in the club so I didn't keep drinking. Having more alcohol would have been better though because it would have helped me feel more like an organic part of the atmosphere which would have been absolutely mind-blowing.

During the episode where the girls asked us to dance, I thought it was interesting to watch how each of us behaved. Matt just started dancing like a madman loose as a drunkard with coordination intact, yet he's a complete teetotaler. I suppressed my doubts and my conscious mental inhibitions and just tried to dance (this was my method all night), however, my body felt very stiff and the joints fairly rigid, probably due to some less conscious inhibitions still exerting influence, so this prevented me from being as fluid as I would have liked. Kenneth, on the other hand, kept protesting that he didn't know what he was doing, etc. and all I could do was laugh and think that that is definitely not what you are supposed to do even if it is true and how in the not too distant past, I probably would have reacted identically to how he did. It was nice to see I've made even some small amount of progress.

I continued my rigid dancing attempts for most of the rest of the night with a slightly widened range of motion during the time that we actually got up on the stage.

The drive home:
We discovered that Matt couldn't make it through a single full song on his CDs without changing the song before it finished and there are probably 50 songs he told us we'd get back to later that we never did. I guess he owes us all of them and he'll just have to remember which all of them were himself. ;) Although we hadn't had much to drink, we tend to act crazy together even when sober (one time we even claimed to have gotten high off of potato chips). So, we sang along to songs like fools and I'm still trying to convince Matt to record his hilarious cover of Girls Just Want to Have Fun. I considered baring my bare ass out the window while we drove down the interstate to raise the hilarity factor, but talked myself out of this.

The days after:
Prior to leaving for Peachtree City, I had what could have turned out to be a big problem. My car wouldn't start and the first two attempts at jumpstarting it did nothing. I took my jumpstarter back inside and hooked it up to the wall to charge for a bit longer. Later I took it out again and this time the car jumpstarted. However, it wasn't with no cost. I had managed to place my right foot on a fire ant mound in sandals. I managed to brush them all off thinking it hurt and was annoying, but thinking nothing of it until the next day. I was limping around a bit because the bites hurt and I just figured they were sore. Matt's mother asked why I was limping and so I told her I stepped in an ant hill and that's when she pointed out how swollen my foot was. I hadn't even noticed. It was pretty gross and when I had tennis shoes on, it felt like the shoes had been filled with jelly prior to my foot going in, so I tended to stick to my sandals which didn't have the jelly feeling. It wasn't until 5 days later that the swelling went down enough that I could quit limping.

As testament to the sacrifice it had been for me to go, I was very stressed out the next week as I attempted to deal with school and the apartment without having gotten all of the tasks done that I normally got done in a weekend. I fell behind in classes and had to pass on my turn of reading in Sanskrit because I hadn't gotten far enough. By the end of the week, I had stressed myself right into one of my night migraines. The next day I was so tired that I managed to trip and fall up a short set of stairs.

This past weekend I was faced with the task of trying to catch up on all of that that I was behind on and despite the fact that I did fewer diversionary activities than on a normal weekend, I still kept busy the entire weekend and got less done than on a normal weekend. So, that led to this week, which contained a quiz, two tests, and a portion of a group paper due. So that kept me on full steam still until finally letting up earlier this evening, hence the blog flurry as I finally flush parts of my queue.